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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Saturday, December 26, 2015

A Small 'Year-in-Review' Rant

This year I decided to do the "2015 Confession" today instead of waiting til New Year's Eve. I need to do it now because...I might not remember them if I wait any longer.
I never thought of my breast cancer as "an experience." It was detected, found and removed--successfully. Even though the oncologist--a woman(!) assures me I am 'progressing nicely' as each day goes by....my last scan reveals that I must take the hormone treatments for 10years, not the 5 years I was "promised." As an RN, I know medicine is an evolving science with wonderful treatments for people with all kinds of diseases and ailments--subconsciously, I was counting on that 5 year limit. My Bad! Cancer's a bitch but then so am I!!
I never loved R**** at all. Sure, you were cute and at the time I had no boobs or hair or self-esteem. That's why I let you come see me in hospital. You WERE coming to see me. Then B****y put an immediate stop to those visits. I am still surprised you let her stop you from coming to see me--a breast cancer patient who posed no threat to you two as a couple. Nevertheless, you stopped visiting me.  Funny thing though-you two are no longer a couple...and I'm still alive!!
Don't believe the hype!! IN MY CASE--these pink ribbons and bracelets, keychains and hats are nothing more than merchandise. They can get you singled-out for some REALLY UNWANTED conversations from-mostly good-hearted people and those who simply want you to know THEY know you've got/fighting breast cancer. I was a target with a lovely pink bull's-eye on my head or wrist.
"It's easier to pull a man down than it is to raise him up." So?  I learned that lesson this past year.
Met at church. She lived in my neighborhood and from what I saw, was a pretty good person. But soon, I was running her to HER dr.'s appts and barely making mine! I tend to do that. I actually believe(d) that friends do for each other if and when they can.  Turns out, I had met an addict with absolutely no intentions whatsoever of ever being clean and sober. I found I was feeling badly about myself because I couldn't help her. Oh, she knew every food pantry in the area, how to get "around the system" and some sort of 'gov't money' that she used to do her buying. Couldn't rescue her. She was bringing me down!!
Except for my son and granddaughter, I have no family. "Aunt Lily" passed from lung cancer and "Paula" passed just before Christmas leaving a scattered bunch of cousins I've either never seen or want to see. Frankly, you readers rank 3rd in my heart because sometimes, when I've really been in pain, in the grasp of loneliness and yes-thinking of ending it...I go to you. "My Readers" is such a comforting thing for me during this particular holiday. Even if ONE person read my posts and HATED them, I'd be unable to feel alone. THANK YOU ALL!!
I have cried, screamed, yelled at God and thanked Him for giving me this experience. No, I do not think God gave me cancer. He made me the 'Enforcer' I used to be. I finally learned to take care of myself FIRST without thinking it was selfish to do so.
I swept away all those "fake friends" and raked in a few lovers who weren't repulsed by my scars, baldness or the various wigs I'd wear. They saw me.
You see me too. I reveal more to you because maybe someone somewhere will learn something from me.
Now let's have a KICK-ASS 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Women are Friends...Until a Man Walks in

Here on Christmas Eve, I'm told I no longer be friends with Cathey...are you ready for the reason??
Cathey has a kind and wonderful heart...God knows she's had her share of abusive relationships, loneliness and what have you. So I shouldn't have been surprised when it came down between Brad and me...and I was "unfriended" over the phone.
See, Cathey and I met at church. We (I thought) were working on a nice friendship when her ex-boyfriend's 34 year old son moved in with her. Now, as long as I supplied the car, money and even...the 'smoke' I was always welcome in her home.
"It's my home. You're my best friend...you're always welcome in my home." Then Brad moved himself and his latest girlfriend in on Cathey which suddenly made my friendship "unnecessary."
In fact, Brad blames me for not being able to keep this girlfriend living in his tiny bedroom.
First of all, that lie kept being repeated, "We're friends" he said, "we'll always be friends." Then his girlfriend told him she was going back to grandma's because I made her uncomfortable. Soooo?
Not only could I not believe he'd do me like this...why wouldn't he?
He's 34 years old, chooses not to learn to read or write, has no real job, a felon, has plenty of access to weed, travels from woman to woman to 'let' them take care of him but I just saw him as a guy. Looks like there were just too many queens in Cathey's beehive so she told me essentially our friendship had always been about a ride, money and companionship.
Since I have only one of the required elements needed to be her friend---I'm out.
She also told me that I had to stay away from her place because Brad might "go off" and destroy her home if we remain friends. She's cutting me out so Brad won't show off that 'evil temper' he tends to brag about and destroy her home.
All it does is confirm what a liar Cathey is. She doesn't want anyone coming between her prospective dick--even ME that girl that was 'always welcome' in her home. Yeah, we're friends alright---letting me give her a ride, letting me give her some money and smoke--we're groovy. No more.
I just can not believe that she is using fear to keep me way from "my 2nd home" because Brad might lose his temper.
This is all on me. I wanted Cathey to be my friend and she had me convinced I was. "Through thick and thin" she'd spew but I knew better...a little too late.
So, Brad's gf went home to Granny's supposedly because I made her uncomfortable, leaving Cathey so insecure and desperate to hang on to Brad that she'll not allow me in her home... I might just be competition. Wow! 
Her timing was excellent. Here it is Christmas Eve and I won't be getting any gifts from her or going to her Christmas dinner because of Brad. "I just can't have him being mad and tearing up my home" so I get the boot!
 I'll just hold onto her gift until "Big Bad Brad" isn't home.
Or forget them. Why not?  They were only too eager to get rid of me!!
Grandma always said, "Women are friends ...Until a man walks in."
You're right again, Grandmother. RIP

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Lost a Friend---Merry Christmas.

I knew it was just a matter of time before my "place" in the friendship would no longer be 'needed' Yesterday was that day.
We are driving down the road when 'Ben' announces that he is going to go "pick up an ex-girlfriend who just got into it with her husband and bringing her home". Wow! He's just decided to move somebody in without asking first. He doesn't have to "he's a man." He said nothing would change--well, it has.
There goes our morning ritual of coffee and a morning walk with the dogs.. He can't now...he's got to be with Ally. ALL THE TIME!
He was supposed to go to church with me but after declining my invitation yet going to HER church.
I know how this goes...suddenly no calls, no shopping and NO offers of a ride now that my car is torn up. I have hauled people everywhere but when I need something...they don't know me now that I have no car. The silence is deafening!
The latest is the complete transformation of Ben. He is really just a 34yr old country boy whose hobbies include getting high...and getting high again. Unfortunately, nobody ever really knew he smoked.
He goes from house to house taking up residence in the spare rooms "earning his keep" by cleaning and cooking. No monetary help just the handyman.
At one time we were friends. But I never thought our friendship would be broken because of the stray woman he has picked up! She's the latest in our group of pitiful people. "But I swear, nothing will change. Really?
Then why won't you speak to me? Why avoid me? It is as if he is completely taking over this woman's life and has no time for his friends."
Hurt. Cut deep. Why? Because I know I am now "Out of the Family" now.
Somebody might get the wrong idea--can't have that now, can we?
I really hate to admit this but I'd give anything for a man to call me "Baby" "Sweetie" or some other term of endearment but 'tis not to be.
What breaks my heart is that this is like high school. A guy claims a girl and she's his. Done with her? Move on "it's not like she has feelings."
Well, I have feelings of anger, betrayal and shock.
The night before she arrived, Ben assured me that his other friendships would not interfere with "us."
First thing: He never came for coffee like he said he would and I'm just supposed to understand.
I certainly am jealous. I would LOVE to be in a married relationship like this girl is and know that if things get rough, she can always run to Brian.
That means no contact with females while she is there. The silence is deafening in my friend's house. She's now got 3 dogs, and two strays...the people.
I have been bumped down to "acquaintance friend."  He has to spend his time with her!
But he told me to my face that nothing would ever change our friendship. BOY!! Did he get that wrong. He won't even call my name. He completely ignores me.  Some friend!
Oh, this Christmas is shaping up to be a DANDY!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The Ballcap Incident

In all my years of "Redneckery" I have never heard that ballcaps are sacred and NEVER to be touched. Unfortunately, I found this out completely by accident.

A couple of friends and I were talking when a little bit of good-natured teasing began. You know how it goes...You start ragging on someone and it's fun but sooner or later somebody does something wrong and all the humor stops.
Rob and I were joking with each other. He then started poking at me and relentlessly teasing me when I did the only thing I knew to do...I knocked his ballcap off his head.
"Stop that," he said. So what did I do? RIGHT. I knocked it off his head again! What? He gets to poke and push me (gently) but I can't retaliate?
I did not know the sacredness of the ballcap. The second time his cap came off, he was actually upset!! Dish it out but can't take it?
In a huff, he left and the silence in the room was deafening. There was even a hint of 'impending doom.' This immediately ended the fun and I was unaware of the treason I had just committed.
The next day my friend Gale took me aside and said, "You need to stop knocking caps off guys heads, One said he'd "KNOCK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU" if you ever touched his cap again!"
I've only knocked a cap off two guys so the "list of suspects" was small. Oh Hell, I knew it was Rob. 
Initially, I thought Gale was joking. What MAN is gonna knock "it" out of a woman if she knocks his cap off his head? He was ragging at me pretty hard and when he started shaking me, I did the only thing I knew to do...knock the guy's cap off his head.
So I decided that I'd apologize to Rob because I most certainly did NOT mean to break the rule that states "a woman must never knock the ballcap off a man's head."
Two days later, I had done a little 'herb shopping' and wanted to share a bit. As I go to Gale's, I see Rob helping some guy move a couch. So I pull up, get out of the car and walk up to Rob to apologize to the man for knocking his ballcap off his head TWICE. But he wanted nothing to do with me!
"Rob, I want to apologize for..." I said but he started walking away from me--mad!! OMG!!
"But I just wanted to apologize. I didn't know the rules about the ballcap." He'd have none of it!
"No, no, no. Don't want to talk to you." he said.
About 15mins later, Gale and I are "partaking of the herb" when in walks Rob! He just sat right down on the couch with us. This struck me funny. A few mins ago, I was literally chasing this guy to issue an apology only to be rebuffed and yet......
"So Rob," I began. "you won't accept my apology but you'll accept my w**d?"
Stunned silence....................SCORE!!!
Suddenly, he began to spew apology after apology for how he acted when I tried to settle this crap. "I didn't mean to act like that towards you......" I just blocked out the rest. Bottom line was he'd been "wronged" and his pride had been hurt so it was too late for apologies. The damage had been done...

until he saw an opportunity to "get high with a little help from his friends."

Earns me a 'tip of the cap,' wouldn't you say? LOL!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Oh, the Things You Overhear about Yourself from Friends!!

Broken hearted and a bit bewildered by what I overheard a "friend" say about me. I've been friends with a guy who is trying to get his life back together. He's employed, no children though decent looking, he's got a big ego. He is sharing an apartment with---now get this--the woman his father nearly married. The woman--"Cat" is also down on her luck but she's taking action to lift her out of her current "crisis."
We were at the guy's father's home and I was reclining in a chair just out of his sight. Now, the guy is talking to his sister...unfortunately, they were on speaker phone and I hear this:
"Oh, I love J***** with all my heart,"
Sister: "What about that 'new one'?" meaning me.
He replies, "Oh THAT? That is just a friend with benefits."
I heard all of this and realized that "he" was trying to get a message to "J*****" that he had already replaced her with me. Unfortunately, I do NOT provide "benefits" and resented the implication. Until that very moment, I thought the guy and I were actual friends. Platonic friends. But a real friend doesn't insert your name into a conversation about an ex-lover to incite jealousy.
I sat straight up and was furious. How could he do that? Well, at least I knew where I stood now. I was being promoted as a sometime lover...ICK!!
Nothing hurts like betrayal. When I catch someone "showing me who they really are" I believe them. Dr. Maya Angelou knew this and taught this to all of us. (RIP Dr. Maya.)
I knew I could not let another moment go by without a confrontation. So when the telephone conversation with his sister ended, I tried to take him aside and ask him why he'd said what he said.
Funny thing about confronting a friend...they do not want to admit their mistakes so it didn't surprise me that he tried to avoid me but I certainly didn't expect him to start crying!
He'd been caught telling his sister how he really viewed me, hurt my feelings and yet never expected that he might be overheard OR have to explain his actions. But I was angry about being thought of as a "THAT" and a "friend with benefits." The former didn't even dignify me as a person...I got a THAT! The latter implied a sexual relationship between he and I...(again) ICK!!
When the tears didn't effect me as he'd anticipated, he pulled out the old "I'm just going to kill myself over this" routine.
"Ill just kill myself." he said.
"Sounds like a good idea to me." I said. "I certainly have no use for you anyway." I replied. Cruel? Not in this case.
I did learn a lesson in friendship between a man and a woman. To find out how they really feel about you, find out what they say about you when speaking to their close family i.e. a sister. and you'll get the truth. ...and the "truth will make you free."
I'm free off this "friendship."
With friends like that.......well, you know the rest!

Profiled at the Walgreens

Yesterday my son Blake and I stopped into a local Walgreens. I wanted a new sewing kit and Blake just wanted to look around. I'd picked him up from work so he was a bit tired so was "just looking."
As I am standing at the counter to pay for the sewing kit, an elderly man was in front of me paying for his merchandise. While waiting, I saw Blake leave the store. Apparently, that clerk had seen Blake leave too because he leaned over to the elderly gentleman and said quote, "You see that guy that just left? He probably stole something." unquote.
I heard this and asked, "Are you talking about my son?"
A little stunned he said, "Well, yes. Young guys like that come in and don't buy anything but leave with their hands in their pockets usually steal."
"Well, if you think my son shoplifted let's get him back in here and you can check him."
"No, no" he said, "I was just talking to that gentleman."
"Yes, and giving him the idea that because my son had his hands in his pockets...he's automatically a shoplifter!"
I couldn't believe my son--and probably me--were being profiled.
Blake is a tall guy with short hair, blue eyes and a certain red "hue" about him that actually confirms him as a Native American. Yesterday, Blake had just gotten off work with nowhere to change from his suit to regular clothes. Admittedly, his suit is black and so are his shoes. He stood out.
I understand that stores have issues with shoplifting and customer service. Maybe profiling helps.They have to be careful and protect the store while treating customers with excellent service . But for a clerk to "decide" my son was a shoplifter because he was in black and had his hands in his pockets was too much.
I certainly learned a lesson--if you are a young man and walk into a store, please don't have your hands in your pockets. Really?

Monday, October 19, 2015

My "Pity Party" or Crappy Monday

I am currently going thru the last stages of my breast cancer. I have been told I have to go 5 years to be considered cured...well, BlogSpot family....why should I bother?
I live by myself. Nobody ever comes to visit me BUT they call when they need a trip to wherever the fuck they need to go FULLY EXPECTING me to do, buy, take them some place or whatever!
OK. This is hard for me to admit but I have very little money and even less food for the time being. Sure, my medications cost a lot of money and I need a little bit of help for the time being but NOBODY in my family seems to know I'm even alive until they need m car.
SOMETIMES, I'd like for SOMEBODY to say, "Hey, how u doing? Need anything?"
I have been going to a church that is Baptist AND in support of the LGBT community. It is a positive and friendly place. It is an actual praising church. I've seen them send kids to camp, pay on some folks medical bills...you name it. So...even though I would've rather taken a bullet than ask but the pastor of the church DID say the deadliest thing he could say to me. He said, "If u ever need anything, let me know."  The problem is I tend to believe people. So I took a little piece of paper and wrote, "Pastor, is there any way you could buy me a pack of bologna?...."
GOD why in all of Hell did I send him that note? NOW not only does he know I have very little food FOR NOW...I admitted it myself!
I was told by my oncologist that love and support is important for all cancer patients and with my family...I'm better off dead. I cannot believe the comedown my life is experiencing. I had everything I needed to get my RN license back and career choices that weren't available the last time I worked as an RN. But instead of sending all that to the nursing board, I stopped by my house for some reason that still escapes me, turned on my local news and was 'reminded' to do my monthly breast exam. Well, I did and now the rest I guess is history. Stage three invasive breast cancer, immediate double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and now hormones.
Today really broke my heart. I have this 'friend' who insisted I take her new man to the Social Security office in town so at age 36 can apply for disability for being illiterate. Yep, this guy is 36 years old and not only cannot read or write--has no desire to learn. Just "get me a check," I guess.
Then I had to take my grown son to his office because "why get a car when Mom will take me?"
Look everyone, I am about at the end of it. I try to tell myself that God is allowing this to prepare me for something in the future. "Keep your head up!" "Prayer changes things." "Ask for help when you need it!" Why? When you can't get a pastor--who said "let me know if u need anything"--to buy u a package of bologna...you are pretty well screwed.
It gets hard sometimes constantly having to pull myself up by my bra straps.
I get tired. I get sick. Unfortunately, I'm truly all I got!!
I know. I know. I should have some cheese with all this "whining" I'm doing but today was awful. Yes, I understand that no matter w!hat I go through, Jesus Christ went through worse...and even though I am a child of God, I'm not THAT one! I'm just a human. Nobody I know realizes it. But I know YOU do.

Thank You Readers!!

Friday, October 16, 2015

Time for a Change?

A woman supposedly has the "prerogative" to change her mind...so by this logic, she can change anything else right?   Having way too much fun on a Friday night!  I think it's the hair! New hair and the attitude to match!
I should've put a little blush on my Cherokee cheekbones...but everything else turned out alright.


As REO Speedwagon sing in "Variety Tonight"   'I can be different, Honey.....I can be new.....want someone else? I can be HER, too!!"

Have a Great Weekend! More posts are on the way.

Love you Readers!

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Do Men NOT Know that Women Lie, too?

My grandmother always said, "Never trust anything that bleeds 5 days a month, every month for years and doesn't die." So why don't men ever question women?
Recently, a blast from the past started sending me Facebook messages. He made his way thru by commenting on my "inference" of breast cancer and even though I have a strict policy of "never go back to anyone you used to date" and "no married men" I slipped. Well, unfortunately, he was both. But big deal, right? Women can't talk to married men? NO. They can't.
"But we can just be friends." NO. You can't.  Especially, if the married man is "connected" in the community and "well-known at church." This merely sets the stage for him to eventually say, "You haven't kept any of our messages, right? I'm a married man...I have standing in the community and church...blah, blah, blah."
My question is: "How can a man with apparently so much to lose never considers the honesty of the woman he "wants on the side."? Does he really expect HER to be 100% honest...when he's not? Why does he expect HER to protect his marriage?
"To thine own self be true...lie your ass off. Men never see it coming."
The fascinating thing to me is HE can tell you whatever he thinks will work at the time while never thinking that you might not be telling the truth-either. Now climb off those moral mountains ladies...you might say "liar" but I'm saying "protective speech." Why not? Doesn't every married man claim, "I am married. I shouldn't have been doing this anyway." Wow, ladies...that's some consolation, huh? In other words it's, "Look, I gotta keep this secret so my wife doesn't find out. Besides, YOU should've known better."
Again, why doesn't it ever occur to a married man that you might be an even better liar than he is?
Men know women lie, right? I'm not letting some secret "cat out of the bag" am I? Contrary to many a married man's fantasy, "outside piece" isn't home alone by the phone awaiting for you to call so she can start breathing again. You see, she's actually not dying to break up your family to get you for herself. She knows you're all talk...maybe you should start realizing that she's "all talk," too.
My little married man friend "said" something to me that I can't live with. Every woman should have a line that can never be crossed by anyone. Once the line IS crossed, whoever crossed it simply no longer exists. Cut them out. Even the Bible speaks on the value of doing this.
I still wonder: Did he really think I was going to give him directions to MY home? Why do men think women have no life?  Oh sure, we are taught to "worship" the male form and "stand by him because he's only...just a man" (s/o to the late Tammy Wynette) BUT NOT WHILE LOSING OURSELVES!
I have every text and post he ever sent me. Girls like to collect things...and we like to read those sexy, erotic messages 'our' man leaves us that somehow prove his love...even though he's married. You can bet he's erased every message you've ever sent!
Again, why are men so careless? Telling you where he works? Saying he'll call but never does? Making an awful lot of personal information about himself "virtual pillowtalk"? And "taking time out of his busy day to text you" is supposed to be some big deal?
Ever wonder why so many men get caught cheating while women rarely are caught? It's because WE are better at it. "Our" outside man/men are at least across town and out of town. We are the are the gatherers-we will "scout around" in case of an emergency--or a breakup. We have a backup plan, and a backup plan for the backup plan. We are careful. Most of the time, he isn't even aware of it.  He's his own priority, he's decided that his wife is now "The Warden" so he deserves some "outside p***y."
"My wife doesn't understand me." he says. So?
The inability for a man to think "what you sow, so shall ye reap" is the key to everything girls. Not only are we secretly relieved when "our bull" wanders over to someone else's pasture...we know it'll never occur to him that we've checked out a few "bulls" ourselves.
I lust for big, tall, dark-haired men with intelligence and jobs. Anything less and I have suffered.  But I have learned.  It works in our favor, ladies that a man is made the way he is because they are so much easier to cheat on and lie to than we are.
Married men aren't the free-wheeling, good time guys they used to be once they got away from "the warden" at home. One told me that if a naked woman was "in the mood" and wearing a Cardinals jersey, he'd be too distracted by the jersey "to perform" sexually. OMG!!
Women, on the other hand, will tell the worst lover she ever had how wonderful he was--and he will BELIEVE it. Thank God.
So if you're thinking "relationships can't be based on lies" you're right. But guys, please consider that your "outside piece" may be a better liar than you are.
I am!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

In Praise of the Younger Man

My grandmother always told me to ,"date young guys...raise them as you want and when he 'acts up' just get another." Strange words I suppose coming from your 70 year old granny but she was very liberated in her views on everything...especially sex.
In my life I have found her words to be great advice. Personally, I prefer younger men. Every older man I dated only wanted to stay home, sit in the corner of a sports bar or nothing. Initially when I entered the dating world, I dated older men. because I thought I was supposed to . But the problem I found was, while older men are usually great conversationalists, not much into the "action" part. Sure, I'd like to talk about the world's issues, wars as other failings of humanity but sometimes a girl just wants to fuck.
Recently, I asked 57 year old "Mike" this question: "What would you do if I came to you, in the mood and naked underneath my St. Louis Cardinals jersey?"
Mike: "Oh, I'd be too distracted by the jersey to do anything sexual."
WTF? OMG! I'm a Cards fan from way back but if I come to you naked under my Cards jersey--I expect sex! Even during the playoffs, a naked woman wearing only a Cards jersey wants you!! But no. Sorry.
I asked a 30 year old friend of mine the same question:
Adam: I would look at her and say "That's beautiful...now take it off, let's f**k!"
I even asked my 21 year old son and his response was:
Blake: "Naked under a jersey tells me she wants sex." BRAVO!
I date in the "I don't care about your age" group. But I have noticed a difference in older vs younger men...and this is just MY experience
Most of the time, I am a 5'5" in shape, blonde and a 38DD chest. I consider my self attractive and I love cooking, sports and men. Like some men, my dates are supposed to end with sex. Terrible, I know but I am a single woman, drug and disease-free and a professional. I just need a "match." The match seems to be lurking around in the 30 to 50 age range.
In MY experience, older men have to have their pills--can't tolerate spicy foods after 7pm, and they tell me all about their arthritis, gout, ex-wives and problems with their grownup children. You go out to have some fun and you end up hearing some old guy's life story.
In MY experience, younger men are just fun. Dance, dance, dance--maybe a couple of shots (I don't drink) and their attention seems to be squarely on me. That's refreshing.
I like a good, hard f**k from time to time but older men just aren't interested. Younger men are fun, most express no interest in issues of the world...they just want to have fun.
I recently was the designated driver for my friend's birthday and we went to a bar called "Rock Tavern." Great sports bar in my town. I sat at the bar drinking water and watching everything from the baseball games, WNBA, and MMA. Younger men were impressed with my sports knowledge and my long blonde hair. We laughed, one asked me to dance and eventually we shot pool. I looked over at my friend and she didn't have the smile on her face like I did. She seemed bored with the gentleman sitting with her.
Okay. Some men like blondes, some like redheads--I happen to love younger men. The ones I PERSONALLY have been with ready to go and last a long time. They wouldn't let a jersey distract them from p***y. They have no trouble "getting it up" no little blue pills needed.
The basic difference I have found between older men and younger men is the former is just waiting to go home while the latter are trying to find a way to get YOU to their home! I relate more with younger men. They don't ask me medical questions when they find out I'm a critical care RN. Older men want to know why "this hurts" or "what's the best thing to treat, whatever."
Now nobody can fight age completely but we women have an entire industry devoted to keeping us young looking and repeat customers. I wish the same industry would create a 'male division."
Younger men are fun, free and frisky. Surprisingly, the younger men I meet have manners and can talk to a woman while looking her in the eye. Magic.
I'm like a man...when I see something attractive, I want to meet them. I want to dance with them and I don't want to pass up what MIGHT happen.
I understand that older men have seen it all, had their families and their careers. That brings them money, retirement and boredom. It's fine. These men are awesome. But I like younger men.
Societal norms have changed. Women now "check out and judge men initially by their looks." We aren't limited to a certain mindset when it comes to relationships. The worst relationship I've had lately has been with a 57 year old man.
As expected, he was a professional, hard working with no time to eat right and look better or any time for me. Sex was rare but the "sexting" was up to par. But sometimes a woman "wants it" too.
So younger men....thank you for your energy, your interest in sex, your carefree foolishness and your stamina.
Nothing compares to YOU!!!  

Monday, October 12, 2015

Almost Adultery

I used to wonder how a woman could consider "dating" a married man. A friend of mine used to only date married men because she claimed that "once they got away from their wives it was PARTY ON!" I could never understand it. But it all turned into a learning experience when "Rick" contacted me from 30 years ago!
My rules have always been: Never date a guy you have dated in the past. No married men. So right off the bat, "Rick" is disqualified. He's both. But I believe I know now how a woman could get caught up in a relationship with a married man.
Since May, "Rick" and I have had all kinds of conversations--unfortunately, they were predominantly sexual conversations. Oh! The things that man said he was going to do to me! Now "Rick" has over thirty years invested in his marriage. I figured he had experience, right? Isn't that what they say: Married men know how to talk to women. Ok. Ok. He's saying these things to me like, "I want to suck your breasts." (even though I am  surviving breast cancer after a double mastectomy!)
"Text me any time, Love."
"I want to fill your pussy full."
"I love you." etc.,
With all these things sent to you, I can sort of see how a woman can fall for that and look beyond the fact that "your man" is married. "Rick" called me initially. He asked me about the old days in college where he and I had sex literally everywhere. He seemed to have focused on the time he and I had sex in the stairwell of our dorm. In my mind, he must've been having marital problems or he wouldn't get in touch with me. I was on my guard.
Unfortunately, I have a horrible character flaw. I'm dependable. If you need me at work at 10a.m., I'll be there by 9:45a.m. If I say I'll be somewhere at a certain time, I'm there fifteen minutes early, "just in case something happens." This flaw carries over into my relationships with men. I can't play "hard to get" or all those games we women have been told to play to "catch" a man. Problem is--my dependability and interest in men--invalidates me as a person. So apparently, standing guys up; pretending to be busy so your man will wonder what you're doing and with whom is essential in a relationship. I can't do it--and that's why I'm single.
Started noticing that "Rick" didn't text me first anymore. After four months, I had unknowingly "been me." I was thoroughly interested in his past. He had been in the army and flown helicopters and I thought that is a fascinating aspect of his life. But we never got around to talking about it. We had phone sex or sex-text instead.
We made plans many times to see each other with promises of food and fun...neither happened. It reminded me of old episodes of soap operas where the guy was letting down his "other woman" easy because "You know I'm married." As it happens, being married is the ultimate commitment dodge. Let's be serious, being married IS the greatest loophole for a man!  "Hey, why did you get involved with me? I'm married."
Time went on and I found myself wishing to see him, texting him a "Hello, how are you doing?" ever so often. As a woman, he and I had been "talking" for over four months--we had a connection, right? Well, no. Women bond. Men don't. We think that if we "love him the right way--he'll leave her for me." Nope! What happens is we wait and wish.......
Then I realized "Rick" was becoming more of an inconsiderate, "I'll text you when I can." I had "done it again." I had been so genuinely interested in my friend from thirty years ago, answered his every call/text and been my usual dependable self. THEN...it happened. He stepped over the line.
As a woman there are things I simply will not tolerate. One is when you blatantly disrespect me and take me for granted. This is what slapped me back to reality.
"I think you need to get a job so you wouldn't text me so much." "Rick" texted.
So once again, I had made someone think they were the only man alive. That seems to be a lot easier to do with texts because the recipient is free to interpret your words as THEY want. So my dependability and being new to the "married man" deal had made him think I had no life. I am a breast cancer survivor, going back to the nursing field soon, while going to doctor's appointments but I never told him---and he never asked. Now......
I was so upset that "Rick" had literally told me to "get a job, so I wouldn't have so much time on my hands." That ended it. Instantly.
There is no way in Hell that I can ever text/take a call from "Rick" ever again. "Get a job"? Wow!!
Thank God we never had sex. I don't think I could've lived with myself if I had slept with "Rick." I certainly can't now. "Rick" used to make plans to see me but he would then either cancel at the last minute or just not text me at all. But when he did text "Old Faithful" would "understand about the cancelled plans" or just ignore the subject altogether. No problem.
It is over between "Rick" and me. I'm a bit ashamed. I am now DONE!
There is NO going back to a man who tells you to "Get a job so you won't have so much time on your hands to text"!!
Question: What is in me that people feel free to say such things to me?
First time he broke up with me he quoted James 1 verse 6 regarding the "double-minded man. This time it ended because he told me to "get a job"!

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Old Lovers New Problems

It as a full year ago today that I got a Facebook request from 'Rick." Time really does fly. As in a prior post, the friend request was stunning. I was completely shocked. I was so shocked and stunned that it took me from September to May to respond.
Why was he contacting me after all these years?
There must be something wrong in his marriage for him to reach out to me.
It's been thirty years....I should find how his life has been, right?
A couple of texts between old lovers is harmless, right?
I have always had two hard and fast rules in my life. 1.)Never go back once "it's over" and 2.)Never date/flirt with a married man. Those two rules have proven to be very helpful in my life and the life of my conscience. Then Rick comes along.
Initially, I just ignored his friendship request hoping he'd just give up. "Never go back...," remember? Well, it has been over thirty years....maybe just this ONCE?
"Never....with a married man," remember?
Yeah, but rules are made to be broken...what would it hurt to just say "hi"?
In May, I responded to "Rick."
For the first time, I had reconnected with an old lover. For the first time, I didn't care Rick is married. For the first time, I was going to follow my heart. For the first time, I ignored my conscience. Why?
Because Rick was my "first time." You never forget your first, right?
I never told him I was a virgin because I figured he could tell. I wasn't going to tell him!! I had some cuddling experience and some "everything but intercourse" knowledge but I had never gone "all the way" with anyone. Rick changed all that.
I have been texting 'Rick' since May and I must say I have acted like a silly, co-dependent little girl! He has been the perfect distraction from my cancer treatments. We "sext" and make plans--but those plans never pan out. Something is always coming up "unexpectedly" or he "forgot." I hope he'll text and then "text me first" but then I am afraid "did his wife find out about 'us'"? Should I text him to make sure "we're still 'friends'"?  UGH!!
"Rick" is different to me. He was the first man I ever slept with so I see him as special. Good God, he's almost a super hero to me! Now........do I finally tell him he was my "first"? Communicating with the first man I ever had sex with goes against everything I think is right. Unfortunately, I'm allowing myself to almost break commandments simply because Rick "deflowered" me.
I want to tell him he was my first lover in hopes of that fact explaining why I have acted like a high school girl and why I took eight months to finally accept his Facebook request. Sure, I could have "declined request" but I was intrigued and wondered if he'd eventually give up on me. He didn't. He "added me." It made me a bit uncomfortable but it was sort of sexy...reconnecting with the first 'real man' you ever had? Irresistible.
I have slowly been "coming to my senses" because he IS married...he'd never leave his wife....and I would never ask him to leave her. I don't want to give him up, he's becoming more and more important to me but I need to do just that. Truth be told, I tolerate our "secrecy," his never calling--always texting and plans that never succeed because he was my "first." I see him as that same guy who "went slow" with me over thirty years ago.
We haven't texted since Sept. 2 and with this holiday, I'm sure he and his family went to Nashville for the UT Vols game or St. Louis for the Cardinals' games. Now if/when he texts me, I am going to confess that I indeed was a virgin in college, he was my first lover and that should explain my texts especially if they seem a bit co-dependent. I love him...then and now.
Then it will be "Good-bye...my First."

Monday, August 31, 2015

Survivor and Sexy

As a beautiful, horny, breast cancer survivor with now long blonde hair, I have to make a confession. I have been seeing the past come back at me.  In all stages of my treatment, I was too scared to talk about the effects of all I had been thru and what the treatments would leave behind. A completely new me?
I am a rather young and sensual person. I love touching a man's neck, shoulders and.......breast cancer didn't take the desire for doing that.
I dream of reverse cowgirl position and doggie-style and even two men at the same time. Cancer didn't touch the sexual animal in me.!
The topic may sound silly but please forgive me, I have "inhaled" and I'm feeling great! The problem with me is whenever I feel physically finished, I will inhale just before bed but what I have discovered is I am in a state of TURBO LIBIDO!
I am single...of course and "it just isn't decent" for a lady to want/ask for sex. Especially a breast cancer survivor? There is a portion of folks that seem to believe that you're no longer a woman with mastectomy scars, fake breasts and prosthetic breasts.  Well, I just so happen to have breasts that "are fake...and they are spectacular.
I'm again am a 38DD and I would love to have them loved, stroked and kissed from time to time. I don't know if it's the 'inhaler' I used but I am more prone to talk and share.
For example, I am naked at this computer bouncing up and down trying to release some written wisdom and the pounding between my legs. Cancer didn't take away my kinky side.
I watch porn. Of course this lady watches! I love the hardcore "get right to it" action. I thought of trying to be in adult porn just so I could relieve my near constant state of arousal. I walk around naked most of the time and when I go to work or etc,.I leave the panties at home. I've always "gone commando." It feels wonderful and with my pussy completely bald, the sensations are fantastic.
There is a man I have fantasized about for a few days...even masturbated calling out his name! But I am too shy to TALK to him. I want him to want my body because I really want his. Breast cancer didn't take the "kink" out of me!
In my dreams, I will walk over to him, wrap a leg around him, unzip his pants and caress his dick while forcing it into my very wet pu**y. He is almost too big and too hard to get inside me  but I'll stroke my clitoris to get him inside of me because I am now tight as a virgin since there's been no penetration for a long time. Too long!
So now as a breast cancer survivor whose nearly a frustrated sex addict.  I can get liquid or herbal courage if needed to enhance my libido, spontaneous orgasms and try to control the intensity of those orgasms before this starts interfering with my daily life. I'm afraid.
But just between us, I want sex very day!  I watch porn as I said before and at times wish I were the "recipient" of a DP or even better--a Gangbang! But I'm supposed to be a good girl! Oh, I'll be your good girl if you lift up my dress and spank me with your bare hand--you can have me.  My Goodness, I shouldn't be thinking of things like that.  No sex toys at my house, I want a real man to "break me in-again"!
I'm turning into the "lady in the street but a freak in the bed"...well, good for me! Breast cancer didn't take away the "freak" in me after all. 
Uh, Oh.................I'm feeling a spontaneous orgasm...............CUMMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2015

My Lovers: Worst to First!

It may not be conduct becoming of a lady but I have had requests to blog about some of my lovers and I don't like to disappoint. As the blog continues, I might have to excuse myself and "play with myself until I climax" if I tell too much about certain lovers!
As the title says, I'm going worst to first so let's just start at the first, shall we? My first sexual partner was unfortunately my worst lover. He couldn't help it I guess. I was thirteen, he was fifteen and I literally walked up to him and asked him to "show me what sex was." I ran with girls from fifteen to seventeen and dammit, I wanted to be able to put my "two cents in" from time to time!!
My first was "Rich." I went to his house, he put me on his bed and tried to put himself inside of me but ended up--I think--just using his fingers. And his kiss was like as old sock! "So that's it?" I asked.
"Pretty much." he said. Oh well.
My #3 lover was older and "Dale" had the largest penis I had ever seen. He took me to his place and tried time after time to "enter me" but he was so thick that he couldn't get inside of me. As understanding as he could be, he proceeded to "show me a couple of things." He showed me that I could cum from using his tongue and I learned how to perform oral sex on him! Surprisingly, I love and prefer giving oral sex than receiving! Ultimately, he addicted me to sex especially once he was able to put all of his dick inside me over and over and over again.
My #2 most satisfying lover is "Jon." We was also well-endowed and loved sex and by now, I wanted daily! He was only too happy to oblige. "Jon" loved to have sex outside, put me in positions like "reverse cowgirl," and on my knees and "do me" from behind. I have a small vagina but I learned a long time ago that I like 'em big and to hurt just a bit. Guess he made me a sex addict...if there is such a thing.
Tied at #2 is "Bo" who would let me experiment on him! I liked riding him--once I go that thick, hard penis up inside of me. I'd have to play with my own clit to get a bit wetter to make it less painful to get in me. He'd grab my hips and run me back and forth over his dick and I'd bounce up and down on him until we were cumming at the same time with screams and moans.
An Honorable Mention is "Ray" the 18 year old who had a thing for older women...I was 29, he was 18. He taught me that young men love experimentation and I still dream of the possibility of two men at the same time one day...blame that desire on "Ray."
Before I get to my most satisfying lover, let me say this. I have to deal with my high sex drive on a regular basis. I have a fetish for military men and police officers., Threaten to lift my skirt and give me a spanking (I do not wear underwear) makes me weak in the knees. No, I'm no S & M girl, but I do prefer to be FUCKED than MADE LOVE TO. There is a difference. I love the both and prefer the former. Don't judge!!
My most satisfying lover was "Jeff." He was my baby's daddy and turned me into his own sexual slave. I wore garters, fishnets and high heels for him, made love to him on the front porch in broad daylight and I can't tell u how many times we made love in our various cars. He, too was large and knew exactly how to make me cum using either his mouth, cock or tongue. And I was grateful for it!
He and I had to part ways and now my sexlife/fantasies pretty much go unfulfilled. Thankfully, I'll looking for lovers/lover who'll enable me to see a few new men in the future.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must take my wet naked body into the bedroom until I can find a way to satisfy myself.
I certainly am craving another lover if you're out there. Interested?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

It Was Just Lunch

I met "Bill" for lunch at my newly designated first date restaurant.  From what I knew of him, he was a very nice looking professional man who had grown up on the West Coast. Now this Southern Belle wasn't about to hold that against him.
I always try to be fifteen minutes early for a date so I can get the table or an available one already set with napkins and water waiting for my date. I think that is a welcoming gesture. The man arrives and the table and date are already in the "welcome, let's get to know each other" mood.
Bill was as handsome as was his photo. I have had great luck with online dating lately so a man that resembles his photo is great in my book.
We began talking--the "getting to know you" thing and I liked the way he spoke and the interest he seemed to have in his marketing career. I shared some of my experiences as an RN and how I hoped to return to it soon and he seemed impressed. We were getting along.
I took a drink of my water and adjusted my necklace. I like to wear the gold cross I got from my son for my recent birthday. As I adjusted the necklace, I caught sight of "Bill" whose entire attitude seemed to change towards me. He had a condescending smile and a slight roll of his eyes.
"Oh," he said, "you're one of 'those' people."
"What do you mean "those people?" I asked.
"You're one of those folks living here in the Bible Belt who go around peddling that invisible man whose living in the clouds and his story of sending his "son" (making a jazz hands gesture here) to save the world from sin. Well I'm an atheist and I'm never going to be converted." he said.
"All I did was adjust the necklace my son bought me for my birthday--you seem to be the one judging intentions."
"Well, I knew you were a Christian but I just didn't know to such a degree." he said.
"There's no degree and I'm not peddling anything. I simply adjusted a necklace so I would not be distracted while trying to get to know you better." I said. "Oh, will you excuse me?" I asked, "I have to go to the restroom."
I was pretty stunned at what had happened. "Bill" was nice and everything but he wasn't worth a free lunch. If the sight of a cross on a gold chain can upset him like this, what else would?
I wasn't going to hang around so as soon as I was finished in the bathroom, I washed my hands and left! Yep, I just headed for the exit, got in my car and headed home. Isn't there a passage in the Bible that tells us to "shake the dirt off our feet" if we know that someone isn't going to listen to us? That's what I did--sort of. I used the bathroom, washed my hands and "Bill" out of my life for good!
Wonder how long it took before he realized I was gone!!
Isn't getting to know people fun?????

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Old Lovers and Be Careful What You Wish For (Updatedf)

This is a revised and updated version of the post of nearly the same name. The last post somehow was deleted and with the events that have passed since, I felt an update was in order.
When Rick D*******a sent me a friend request via Facebook I was immediately stunned. Then I became suspicious. Why would he want to locate me? Who put him up to doing this? Why now? Of course my next thought was that his marriage must be in trouble--didn't know if he was married or not butt I figured if he is trying to contact me--something is wrong at home.
Rick is that nice, sweet polite guy who isn't really physically attractive but the way he treats you makes you want to leave your panties at home. He was like that in college. I didn't know he was engaged the night he ended up in my dorm room and in my bed. All I knew was this was my first real man and I asked him to 'go slow with me.' I had never had a man send my clitoris into spasms nor had a man give it a tender kiss but Rick did and in short, I was his.
We had this secret between us that was never revealed. The last time Rick came to my room, he was armed with a Bible. He read James 1: 8 to me about the "double-minded man" being unstable in all his ways and told me that I had made him this way because sleeping with me was interfering with his relationship with his fiancé. Kinda felt a weird sense of pride that somehow I had driven this man to the Bible for answers--but to what?
He was dumping me and I guess feeling badly about it. But he didn't feel too badly for that "one last ride." So we went to bed together 'one last time' and then afterwards, he never spoke to me or looked in my direction the remains years of college.
Thirty years later, I get a Facebook Friend Request from none other than Rick! He made his request in September but I couldn't figure out what to do until May. I was surprised he didn't give up. To be honest, I really don't remember a lot from my college years so I was reluctant to answer his post. But a step at a time I would post to him and to be honest, he was a wonderful distraction during my last radiation treatments for breast cancer. He said he hurt for me when he read I had cancer and he'd thought of me often during the years.
I was fascinated that he was still married to the girl he was engaged to when he was sneaking into my bed on occasion. How is somebody married 30 years? An amazing feat if you ask me!! But you know something? 30 years DOES change a person. Rick would text me "Thinking of you" on the days of my treatment which made me feel better. Then we began sexting to each other. I had never done this before but I must say I can give E.L.James a run for her money when it comes to talking dirty to a man! But this wasn't the 25yr old boy who used to sneak in my room at night I was sexting, this was a 57yr old married man, grandfather and business owner. Ugh
Through a strange occurrence, Rick came to see me right after a treatment. I was excited and nervous because I was about to see in person the guy who read the Bible to me before he "laid and left me" 30 years ago! Wow!
When he arrived, I realized he wasn't the guy in my head. 30 years had worn on him but his eyes were as blue as the first time he was looking up at me in bed. His hair was as white as snow and his hands were as rough as anyone who works in the fields. We did some fast catching up and I held his hand through it all and ventured up and down his arms feeling those muscles I remembered in college. He kissed me as hard and as passionately as he had done in school and I felt his tongue in my mouth flow all the way down to my clitoris--just like in school.
But this wasn't going to be a Lifetime Movie where the college lovers reunite and live happily ever after. This story ended before an affair could begin. 30 years have taught me that  woman must be her own person and live or die by her choices. I chose to see Rick that day and even though you could see the 30 years on his face, he was still the sweet boy who read the Bible to, made love to you then dumped you for his then fiancĂ© now wife.
He asked me did I remember the first time we'd made love and I should've asked him did he remember the last time we made love. 30 years later a dream was stopped before a nightmare could begin.  Sometimes the fantasy is far better than the reality.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Well I Thought It Was Funny!!

This morning I was shopping for silk stockings when I heard a clerk say, "You look like Santa Claus." I looked back at the voice and sure enough, there was a man who from the neck up looked just like Santa, Kris Kringle, etc., and apparently was "licensed" to let everyone know when Christmas would arrive.
I turned to continue shopping but all of the sudden "Santa" walks towards me with a Smartphone in his hand and in a loud voice for all the other customers to hear verbatim he says,
"Hey Little Girl, would you like to know how many days you have left?"
 Never one to miss an opportunity to shut something like this down I said, "Actually, I'm battling breast cancer right now so if you don't mind, I'd like to keep the "days I have left" a surprise!"
Well? What do you think?
I thought it was funny.
In my defense, he didn't ask me if I wanted to know how many days it was until Christmas--he SAID "do you want to know how many days you have left?" Besides, nothing good ever happened to me when the sentence started out with, "Hey Little Girl."
I think I've always been a smartass/comic because of necessity. It's not safe for a "girl child" to be around in the world alone...to paraphrase "The Color Purple." But sometimes Girls, don't you just want to shop in peace?
Apparently, the young clerk first speaking with "Santa" was giddy at the idea that he had actually seen the jolly old elf's license. He said, "I'll be a good boy from now on, ok Santa?" Now we are all grown people here--not a child in the building! Got a bit creepy to be honest.
"You do that." Santa said, "You're going to love your presents in 214 days."  
Santa didn't have to say a thing to me--I know exactly what will be in my stocking this year. A big lump of coal! At least that lump of coal will be in silk stockings!!!
So what have we learned?
Today is May 25 and there are 214 days left until Christmas!!!!!

(BTW--my last radiation treatment is June 5th and that will be the day I declare myself as "Breast Cancer Survivor!)

Happy Memorial Day

Friday, May 15, 2015

Understanding Alice.

I hadn't seen Alice, my biological mother in more than a year. Readers of my blog may recall the "relationship" she and I have. The last time I saw her was March 2014 when I went to the hospital to bring her the glasses that were found out in the yard at her apartment. She hadn't been seen that day so when a neighbor had gotten curious and looked in her window, he saw her lying on the living room floor unconscious--or dead. By the time I was notified, the next day, she'd had total hip surgery and would be going to a nursing home upon discharge. Later that evening, I took her glasses that had been found in the yard--apparently dropped by the ambulance crew that had gotten her the previous day. I knocked, walked into her room and said, "I brought your glasses."
"You get the hell out of here," she said, drawing her fist back at me, "don't you come back and that goes for that bitch Lily and Tommy, too." (Lily is her sister and Tommy is her son.)
I don't know why this exchange shocked me. Oh sure, the little girl in me always wants that "Lifetime Movie" moment when mean old Mom sees the err of her ways and begs forgiveness for everything she ever did or said--but this still "Alice" and to her, I was the reason she never got the life she wanted or deserved. But I understand.
"Mom" was 18 months old when she was sitting in her mother's lap that day. Dad came in and began stabbing her mother with a butcher knife. Aunt Lilly was four years old but got away, ran to a neighbor and told them her Daddy was killing her mom and baby sister. The police arrived to find their mother dying on the floor and Alice beside her unharmed but crying and soaked in her mother's blood. Unlike "Dexter," Alice grew up unguarded, unguided and unloved...but not a serial killer.
It must've been rough growing up with Lily as her sister. Lily was the first-born, the beauty, the "good one," by contrast--Alice wasn't any of those things. So I understand. Lily got pregnant and got married...Alice got pregnant, got dumped. She had me--then I got dumped.
Over the years, Alice let me know that I had her life. "We were getting married and then you showed up." she'd say. "If abortion were legal back then, you certainly wouldn't be here," she'd say. "She doesn't know what she's saying," I'd say to myself.  But I understood.
I was a cheerleader from fourth grade to my senior year of high school--she never saw me once. She didn't come to any of my graduations but she did come to my wedding--walked right by me, kissed "him" on the cheek and said, "I always wanted a son." She never married and here was my wedding. Her question was always, "Why did you get everything?" But I understand.
Last June, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have been in treatment after my double mastectomy. I can't help but smile to think what Alice would say if she knew I'd "had my boobs cut off." She was barely a 32A  while I was a 38DD. (My fakes are that size, too!) She'd be very happy. I understand.
I hadn't seen Alice in over a year and there'd be weeks that she wouldn't even enter my mind. Was that okay? Was I hanging onto that sad hope that we'd someday be "Mother and Daughter"? No--but I was missing something. May 10th was Mother's Day and it hit me. I knew what to do.
After church, I went to the nursing home. A woman who looked like her was sitting in a wheelchair draped in a little green blanket. "Alice?" I asked.
"Who are you?" the woman said--it was Alice. So I went to her and said, "I'm just someone you used to know." Then I gave her a box of "honey buns" and a single red rose surrounded in 'baby's breath' tied by a red ribbon with a card that read, "Happy Mother's Day---I Forgive You."
It wasn't done for her, it was for me. Face-to-face, end of an era. She'd be spending the rest of her life in this nursing home, pretending to be senile. She's finally being pampered, waited on hand and foot and at last, rid of me.  That's all she ever wanted...and I understand.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

My Church Dilemma

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2014. Proper doctors and proper treatment have given me a pretty good chance of beating this disease but there seemed to be an emptiness in my support system. I wanted to start going to church. I wanted a "church family." I basically wanted someplace to go where I could blend in and hear something else besides cancer talk. But church members don't come knocking at your front door. Right?
Two days after this thought occurred to me, a woman actually did come knocking at my door with a flyer describing a "supper" being sponsored by her church. It seemed like an "Ask and 'ye shall receive" type thing to me so I decided to check it out.  Preconceived notions aside, I had a good time. They served spaghetti and salad with very little "Bible talk." I've always heard of a "praising church" but I hadn't been in one and was really surprised at the themes of love, happiness and the "father" God and His love for all of us, not the hateful old man "God" who was just waiting for us to screw up.  I started going to this church every Sunday.
The small town church is idyllic and a few people I had known from high school attend there.  "James" was the first male cheerleader our high school ever had--his wife and six kids attend as does "Belinda" who at age fourteen was swimming at the neighborhood pool when her "Kotex" decided to detach and float right along side her! Back then, we didn't know about tampons, pantiliners or why swimming when you were having your "monthly" was a good idea at all! "Reggie" and "Tina" were still together after marrying during their senior year and NOT because she was pregnant! Almost every Sunday it seems that someone else from the Class of 1980 re-appears though most of my high school memories don't!
At last Sunday's service, reality hit. The congregation stood up for opening prayer and as the assistant pastor was bringing his prayer to a close  he said, "and may God remove the idea of gay marriage."
What the ****??!!
I raised my head and opened my eyes without thinking. Not only was this a surprise to hear, I didn't see the relevance. In all of the time I'd been attending, I hadn't heard anything but encouraging words and examples of how God loved "each and every one of us." Well, that includes gay people, right? God made them, too.
I was very disappointed and shouldn't have been so surprised but what did surprise me was the assistant pastor's unusual reason for opposing gay marriage. According to him, churches refusing to perform gay weddings would lose their tax-exempt status. So he was afraid the church would pay taxes? I began to wonder if I could continue going to this church with it's sudden anti-gay marriage stand. It may have always been their stand but this was the first time I'd heard any anti-gay remarks at all.
It reminded me of the times when closing prayer at Mass included requests for God to end abortion. The priest would use words like "sin" and  "abomination" of abortion, some of the same words used to describe homosexuality now that I think of it. I'm pro-choice and pro-"who you love is who you love and it's none of my business--just be happy." Could I "agree to disagree" with this assistant pastor and keep attending? Ignore this assistant pastor and keep attending? Deep in my heart, I think he is wrong, he doesn't speak for the congregation and he may have just taken it upon himself to "enlighten some of the deacons about a potential money issue" if gay marriage is granted to the entire country by the Supreme Court.
I find a family-style comfort in this church and can't let one man make me stay home on Sundays. Besides, Gandhi reminds us that "the only thing wrong with Christianity, at times, is its Christians."  

Friday, April 10, 2015

Almost Assaulted

They used to call him Beanie. He was just a skinny little boy in the neighborhood nobody wanted to play with. My son, Blake felt sorry for him and would try to include him in basketball and baseball while never letting anyone pick on the boy. Blake brought Beanie home for supper many times and that little boy certainly could eat. He seemed to love macaroni and cheese so whenever Blake let me know he was coming to eat, I made sure there was plenty of mac and cheese for Beanie. Then he moved away and we lost touch.
Two evenings ago, Beanie came walking down the sidewalk. It'd been four years since I'd seen the kid but even though he'd gotten a lot taller and his yellow hair was a lot longer--I could tell it was him. "So that's what happened to him." I thought.
About a hour after that, came a knock on my door. I looked out the peephole and saw Beanie standing there on my front porch. "Well, look at you!" I said, "Haven't seen you in a long time--you certainly got tall! Come on in this house."
As he started to come in, my dog Rascal started to growl and seemed to want to get between Beanie and me. Rascal doesn't like anyone to come in the house and he really doesn't like anyone getting close to me. As I was trying to get Rascal to calm down a bit, I happened to notice Beanie locking my front door. I thought that was strange but then thought I was just being silly. "Is Blake here or anybody else here?" Beanie asked. "Not yet, but Blake will be here pretty soon." I lied. Something about this was making me uncomfortable.
Beanie then walked up behind me as I was getting soda for us from the fridge and grabbed me around the waist. Unfortunately, I could feel him pressing himself and his erection against my butt as he was "just giving me a friendly hug."
I pushed his away and said, "What in the hell are you doing?"
"I'm just hugging you 'cause I haven't seen you in so long."
"Well, don't touch me anymore," I said. Now, Rascal had gotten behind Beanie and was nipping at his pants and ankles.
"I'm sorry." he said and he grabbed me again and said "let's kiss and make up." Suddenly, he has me in a bear hug, trying to kiss me. "You have got a great ass." he said and kissed me on the back of my head. Rascal started pulling on Beanie's pant leg and I got away from him. I grabbed a knife and said, "Look, I've got breast cancer, I'm sick and I'll stab you if don't get out of my house right now."
"Oh, did I make you mad?" he asked.
"Yes, you did cause I never expected this kind of crap from you."
"Yeah, I grew up pretty good, huh?"
"Okay, but if you want to live another minute, you'll get out of my house." Then I added, "I have a gun."
I then took a deep breath, pulled away, acted like I was crazy furious, grabbed him by the arm, pushed him out the door once I had unlocked it and told him to never come back.
Afterwards, I did all the extra lock checks around the house, put a chair against the front door, hit all the alarms and for my own peace of mind placed various "weapons" around the house just in case this guy decided to come back.
Authorities are aware but as far as I'm concerned, my safety depends on me. I'll never allow anything or anyone make me uncomfortable in my own home again.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine's Day Fun

While a lot of the world this weekend is using Valentine's Day to venture into the world of S&M, I like using Valentine's Day as a day to tell and show someone how I feel  about them in silly and sexy ways. I prefer games that don't have to have an agreed upon "safe" word or signed contract. Being a survivor of domestic violence, I wasn't able to get thru the worldwide phenomenon without long gone scars beginning to sting. I've had my fill of stocks and straps.
Giving your man a nice warm bath is a way to get the festivities off to a good start. I am partial to sitting nude astride my man, coating his chin and neck with some, hot, foamy shaving cream, with my hands on the razor and his hands on my hips--you know, for security. Oh, the illusion of a woman with a razor dangerously close to the arteries of the neck, herself somewhat defenseless in her nakedness. I wonder if there is a man more helpless than one lying under a nude woman.
Then since turnabout is fair play, it is quite a feat to have your man shave "the kitty." If you are able to get your man to "trim" the "trim,"  keep your eyes on his face the entire time. No man is as tender and then as brutal when given the honor of personalizing "his" piece...then tearing into it later!
Men need reminding that you aren't 100% committed to wearing panties.  I haven't worn panties in years but I am quite the collector of corsets, G-strings and thigh-high silk stockings.  No matter how high the heel or how short the dress, a lady can be draped in all kinds of naughtiness for her man...and they are the only two that know!
Take this Valentine's Day and live it up! Enjoy him...enjoy her and the day doesn't have to stop at midnight. And to keep Variety going--Take it from a song I love. I think it's REO Speedwagon:
"If you think u miss the thrill of the chase....
Or just get tried of the same old face
I can be different honey,
I can be new...
Want someone else?
I can be them, too!"

Monday, February 2, 2015

At Least He Tried to "Put a Ring On It"

No matter how old your children are, you want the best for them, hurt when they hurt and help whenever you can. You do your best to raise them properly and hope they'll have great lives, few problems and even fewer heartbreaks. There is nothing quite so painful as watching your child deal with rejection no matter what the level.
In previous posts, I "may have mentioned" what I think of my son Blake's relationship with his girlfriend but they've been together for more than two years and last March, they gave me a beautiful granddaughter. Over this past weekend, Blake asked me to dinner to show me the bridal set he'd gotten--and break the news that he was going to propose marriage to his girlfriend. "Don't do it! You're too young!" I thought but decided NOT to say. I chose to be impressed with the fact that he was going to make a commitment to the mother of his child and "put a ring on it"!
Instead of waiting and planning some big Valentine's Day proposal, Blake "popped the question" this past Saturday--after supper and after putting the baby down for the night. Apparently, he asked her to marry him, she said "Yes" but "hates the rings and won't wear them."
I'm stunned. Who takes the man but not the rings? Blake told me she thinks the rings are 'too big, not the right color and ugly.' Now, I'll admit they aren't Kim and Kanye caliber but they are decent, right?
What happened to 'it's the thought that counts'; the effort he put into the pricing, the selecting and the presenting? Whatever happened to loving the ring/rings because "he" got them for you? Wouldn't the gesture itself turn the cheapest ring into something priceless? When you love someone, isn't the ring just a formality? Apparently not.
I've got two sayings at the ready because sooner or later, Blake will ask me what I think about this episode with his girlfriend. One is a common adage and the other is a quote from the late Dr. Maya Angelou: "Actions speak louder than words" and "When someone shows you who they are--believe them." I guess that leaves nothing else to say but maybe:


(hand modeling by AnnaB! lol)

Monday, January 26, 2015

Women and Car Repair: The Hilarious Conclusion

In my last post, yours truly was waiting for her car to be repaired. I took it to "One Stop" for a starter but was informed that it was the ignition switch--not the starter that I would be needing and "Once we order it online, the earliest it could be delivered by UPS is January 5th." Now this is where customer loyalty and trust can be costly. I had been treated well by these people in the past and had no reason to question them so...like a fool...I didn't. I have to confess here I thought they would do the best they could because they knew my car was my only transportation and I had just begun weekly chemotherapy. I let them fix the car. My mistake.
When I got "the call" from the owner on January 12th that my car was fixed, I was relieved! Yes, I had to reschedule my chemos and yes, I had gone without a car since December 29th but so what? That was then this is now!!
Got to the shop, paid the bill, got in the car and NOTHING. Wouldn't start. The mechanic got in it and even though his hands were suddenly shaking--he got it started. "You gotta sometimes grease the new key when you put in a new ignition switch" was his explanation. "Will you be available if I get home and it won't start?" I asked--somewhat joking. "Aw, that won't happen again, Little Lady." Famous last words.
Three days later, the car wouldn't start at the grocery store. I called the owners, the mechanic came to help and started the car. "I came to you guys because I needed a new starter but you put in an ignition switch, right?"
"Oh yeah, you didn't need a starter."
Tuesday Jan., 20 was chemo day. Got up, got ready, got dressed, got into the car and NOTHING. The car wouldn't start. Granted, I was upset so I called the car shop again and again, the mechanic came out. Now the owner felt that I should just "Calm down and be glad the mechanic will come to you--a lot of places won't even do that" he said. Okay. When the guy got there, he looked under the hood and said, "It's the starter."
"Your car needs a starter." he said. Then, the man said, "I put an ignition switch when I should have put in a starter like you said you needed."
"So for the record," I said, "you 'fixed' something that didn't need it and I was right that it just needed a starter. Right?"
"Right. You were right. I'll go back to the shop and get you a starter and give you a call" he said.
Fortunately, less than three hours later, a guy I know took it upon himself to call HIS mechanic, get a starter, fix the car and have me on the road again for...forty-five dollars! Needless to say, I haven't heard a peep out from the "One Stop" folks but I do have hilarious story, an actual confession and a new catch phrase I can attribute to them:
         "Sometimes You Just Gotta Grease Your Key!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Women & Car Repair: Some Things Never Change

Despite all the hype and hope for 2015, I am experiencing the "same old same old" when it comes to getting my car fixed. My car has only been in the shop since December so the 'new year' hasn't really gotten started I suppose but then again...neither has my car!!
My car is a Saturn and I needed a starter. I took it to a local shop and 'wouldn't you just know it'? Saturn has stopped making "my particular kind of starter." The mechanic had to go online and order it to be delivered. The mechanic said, "It doesn't take more than a day or two to get a part delivered and UPS is really good at bringing us our orders." Well, "wouldn't you just know it"? The earliest they could get the part I need was January 5th! Of course this was explained to me after I called to check on my car's 'status.' "Sorry Little Lady, there's nothing we can do 'til that ignition switch comes in but as soon as it does, we'll have you back on the road."
Wouldn't you just know it!
I always have bad luck when it comes to getting a car fixed. The parts aren't there, the 'only guy who could fix it is unavailable', it's almost the weekend or the problem is worse than they thought. I get the 'Little Lady' treatment and that patronizing smile whenever I tell mechanics what is wrong with my car. How dare I? THEY will decide "what's really going on" with my automobile. My cousin Frank never has this trouble. He goes in, tell the mechanics what to do and the work never takes more than a day. Wonder what his 'secret' is?
My cars also seem to breakdown around a major holiday. My last car trouble happened just before Labor Day so it shouldn't have been a shock when my car decided to conk out around Christmas/New Years but it was.  Like millions of people, my car is my only transportation so when I have to be without it, it is almost traumatic.  I am still getting chemotherapy and I had hopes of 'getting a break' from the universe so I wouldn't have to put the treatments on hold. (Pardon the self-pity there, please.) But alas, twas not to be. Besides, everybody's got their troubles, right?
So it's tick-tock and watch the clock.  Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks and still no car. Maybe the universe is trying to teach me patience.
Unfortunately, life kind of stops for me when I have no car. (Again, please pardon the self-pity) At least now when I call the shop I get an "any day now" or a "Just stay positive" from them. Stay positive? Yeah, right.  I can't even call in favors. Everyone I gave rides to, babysat for and took to their various appointments in the past is suddenly out of reach, sick or swamped. Don't you just hate when that happens? Whatever happened to "getting by with a little help from my friends"?