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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Old Lovers...Conclusion & Confession

It took me 8 months to accept Mike's...real name not 'Rick.' friend request. My concerns were. Was he in touch with my abusive ex-hubby trying to locate me? Was it really Mike from 30 years ago? Isn't he married? Why is he contacting me? After all those thoughts, I clicked the 'confirm' button and said to myself "What's the worst that can happen?"
Mike and I texted back and forth. Facebook or telephone. Late night texts began to get sexual. I guess I was his "Sext-tress." It lasted for 8 months, too. I never took anything he texted seriously especially those plans to meet and f**k. Funny thing was, I never let him know where I lived so every time he made "plans" I just rolled my eyes. I could barely live with the fact that I was secretly 'sexting' a married man but I rationalized it by saying, "That's just Mike." The way I saw it, I was talking to the Mike I knew in college...not the 57 year old married grandfather of today. I was wrong.
"I love you." "I miss you." "I want to be with you." "We'll be together soon." You know...all the married man lines. I never believed a thing he said but I was giving it just as well as I was getting it.
Soon, the text got fewer from him and I was finding myself texting him first more often. Needless to say, it was getting old. I started wishing to God that I had never confirmed his friend request in the first place.
Monday I sent him a "call me" text that went without a reply. Thursday, I texted him and he immediately responded with an "I miss you." I thought 'how'? We've seen each other once in 30 years! How could he miss me?
He then called and he said he was busy but he'd call me between 4pm/5pm. Needless to say...he never called. Secretly, I was relieved. I texted him and told him he was too busy and I didn't fit in his life anyway because he was married! "But you are important to me" he responded to which I replied "Actions speak louder than words...but I'll always love you."
"Okay...love you, too." Then I decided I was done with all this Lifetime movie crap and wrote, "Do you want me to stop texting you?" No reply. I asked that question two more times and still got no reply. Ridiculous, right? Of course it was.
Even though I didn't want to lose his friendship, I realized we didn't have a friendship. We were playing a stupid game...it was wrong...and he'd never end it, so I did.
The next day I ended it by promising never to text him ever again. Still no response. Big deal.
Okay...I sort of hoped he'd respond but that was just my "fear of abandonment" issue talking. I even thought of Faith Hill's song "Cry." But I was just being stupid. I'm not anymore...I'm done!
I really feel badly about violating my #1 rule of "No married men." but it was 'good old Christian Mike.' what was the worst that can happen?
I learned that no matter how nice a guy is/was...married means "No." I just wanted an old friend from college. But that guy doesn't exist anymore. The exchanges were fun at first. I knew I NEVER wanted him to leave his wife. They never do 9 times out of 10 anyway. It was just something to look forward to while I was going thru breast cancer. No more. None. Done. Sure, I've prayed for a special man to come into my life but then I read: "God will NEVER send you another woman's husband."
And the People of God said, "AMEN!"

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Buyer and "Survey Taker" Beware

I like taking surveys...yep...I think my opinion is worth something.  On Dec. 7 od 2015, I took a survey on which programs I watch and those I do not.  At the end of the survey I see, "For your participation you are eligible for the following....."  Now being a breast cancer patient, the only thing that appealed to me was a skin cream priced at $1.95. So I ordered it. If it is as good as they claim, I might order more. What I didn't know was by buying this product at $1.95, I would be billed 99 dollars per month until I closed "my account."
This is a scam I ashamedly fell for. Now I have to have my debit/credit care changed, dispute this charge at my bank and have to go TO my bank to get my money back.  At present, I have no transportation...but I will have sometime soon.
I called the company who issued the charge and she said that "taking part in the survey and taking a product offer 'gave them permission to bill my account every month until I call them to cancel my so-called membership. She also kept telling me of the "tremendous benefit of the DERMASCLARA cream and 'kit' that I had received.  This "kit" is a 1/2oz squeeze bottle of cream that doesn't seem to be any more than a watered down Oil of Olay.
This stupid mistake of mine now results in a closed debt card, being issued a new card that will arrive between 7-10 days...which I understand. Then I must get a ride over to my bank to sign a "disputed charge form" while the spokesperson at the cosmetics company refuses to discontinue this "monthly shipment.
I told her repeatedly that I do not want the product but she just kept saying "Have a Nice Day."
So because I was stupid enough to "grab that bargain" they "grabbed me right back claiming the charge can/will go up to $99 per month." I'm NOT paying it. My bank is working with me to get this settled.
"Live and Learn" as my grandma used to say. I certainly have this time.
Even though I explained to her my "one-time offer" was to be exactly that...a "one time offer" I got tricked into monthly shipment of a nicely packaged but worthless product.
So Readers: Do not make the same stupid mistake I did. Vanity probably won over because when you are a cancer patient you see yourself as ugly, at times scaly and would like a little help. So I ordered the $1.95 cream as "reward for my survey participation" but am now apparently on the hook for monthly shipments!
Don't be a fool like I was. If you are offered a product from a survey you've taken, get someone on the line to ensure that the product you ordered is all you will get and not a recurring charge and shipment you hadn't wanted.
Trying to cover up some chemo skin got me into this mess....I'm just hoping to stop someone else from being a fool!
Buyer and "Survey Taker" Beware!!!
God Bless

Monday, January 4, 2016

Medical Update: Conditions Are Deceiving

Just wanted everyone to know what Stage III Breast Cancer looks like! Years ago I heard the actress, Kitty Carlise say that she wrote "I Forgive You" and "It wasn't your fault." on her bathroom mirror for comfort and consolation to what ever Life had brought her that day. I adopted that and many, many times it raised my spirit and my drive to beat Breast Cancer!  How do you think I'm doing, Readers?
With Love,
Dyane Lody