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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Johari Window---Our "Panes"

The most fascinating thing I remember from Psych class was the idea of the "Johari Window." It explains an aspect of self-concept and human nature. I believe it shows something that is common to all of us no matter where we live or where we are in life. Rich or poor, Royalty or commoner, think of yourself as a window with the following four panes of glass:

Pane #1: OPEN.
We know ourselves and what we like to show to others. You are just "you."

Pane #2: CLOSED.
This is the part of ourselves we lock away. The past is past--over and done. It's history!

Pane #3: BLIND.
This is what we just cannot see about ourselves that everyone else can. You think you're nice but you come off like a jerk.

Pane #4: HIDDEN
This is what we dare not reveal about ourselves to others out of fear of rejection and/or judgment.  "What if they knew you had...been in jail? a junkie? bouts of depression? etc."

The next time you are in a group, with your friends or alone in a crowd, take a look at all the "windows" around you. Try to imagine who and what you would be OPEN to, CLOSED to, BLIND to and what you feel you'd need to keep HIDDEN from all of them.

Friday, July 19, 2013

COUGAR TROUBLE Pt. 3: "Star Trek Mode"

 I am going into what I call "Star Trek Mode." I'm entering another final frontier where "no one has gone before...to find something positive." Why? Because my son's 26yr old, single mother of three children by two different daddies, roommate, boss, girlfriend is now pregnant with baby #4 by "Daddy #3." Blake is Daddy #3. As far as I'm concerned, the dreams I had for him are gone.

 He won't be going to college (on a full ride) in the fall. He won't be playing soccer for a college team and he won't be pledging a fraternity. He will, however, be joining the fraternity of fatherhood.

All he does anymore is work and as he puts it, "take care of the kids." No eighteen year old boy should be raising other men's children AND preparing for his own. He 'should' be working a summer job, going to baseball games, hanging out with his friends and picking out a dorm in the college of his choice, not being an apprentice father.

I am angry at her for executing this plan for what I have referred to previously as a "manufactured relationship." I am angry at my son for being so irresponsible and I am angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I have analyzed and dissected the 'psychological deficits this woman must have to allow herself to bring children into this world time and time again.' I did the same with my son. 'Did I not provide him enough encouragement, love, opportunity, positive examples or goals? Is he trying to fill some psychological need within himself that came from growing up without a father?' How in the hell can a child spend his entire life with me and grow up to have the exact same easy-going personality of his absent father? Could there be something to that DNA business after all?

While this event has prompted a very adult discussion between my son and myself, I decided to go into "Star Trek mode" and look forward to this new future. They may not have any extra money but I choose to believe it adds to this adventure. My son has a full-time job with benefits so I choose to believe it shows a lot of foresight on his part. Even though at times I have flashes of anger and a few tears, they are private moments that I choose to believe are none of my son's business. My son is very happy and planning to marry this woman so I choose to believe this makes him more of a real man than my father and his own father ever were.

Most of all, while this is not the life I envisioned for my son, in "Star Trek Mode" I choose to believe that everything will be alright.


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Hello, My Name is Dyane and (apparently) I'm Co-Dependant

     Does anyone remember a time when a character trait or a habit (good or bad) didn't signify you had a psychological condition? Anybody remember when drinking on the weekends didn't mean that you were going to be an alcoholic? When did keeping everything from your or your children's childhood make you a hoarder? When did being punctual and doing the very best you could to keep your word to someone make you "co-dependent"? When did "doing unto others" indicate that you were overly concerned about what others think and you should consider "seeing someone"?
      Tina is a good friend of mine and she's been going to "support groups." Yes, groups. She must've started going only recently because suddenly everything we talk about ends up on the subject of
addiction and conditions. Everyone has one or the other or both.  She has decided that I am "co-dependent." Here's why:

I like to be on time.
If I am supposed to pick someone up, I'll be there ten to fifteen minutes before the agreed time.
I like to listen.
I was taught to treat others the way I want to be treated.

      Tina decided that since I am reliable/dependable, I have a deep-seated need to be liked/loved. I became a nurse because I "can't deal with my own problems so I deal with everyone else's." I arrive a little bit before a designated time because I want to 'go the extra mile' so people will love me. I like to listen instead of talk--because I don't want anyone to know 'the real me.' I try to follow the Golden Rule because I think that "cosmically, the universe will reward me." Meanwhile, my friend is "co-dependent," an "overeater," a "compulsive gambler" and a "social media addict." BUT...
       In all the years I have known her, Tina has never had any kind of weight problem. She has never placed a bet, played the lottery or bought a 'scratch-off.'  As for social media addiction, this girl only recently bought a cell phone! She's not on Facebook, Twitter or any of the millions of sites that exist in cyberspace. Truth is, she is a very nice person who has broken up with her boyfriend, gets a bit sad from time to time and has a habit of seeing problems where there are none. That's right, she's just a normal person looking for a syndrome. Know anyone like that?

                                Title Correction: Hello, My name is Dyane and I'm NORMAL.

                                                               You're NORMAL too!!!!