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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Saturday, December 26, 2015

A Small 'Year-in-Review' Rant

This year I decided to do the "2015 Confession" today instead of waiting til New Year's Eve. I need to do it now because...I might not remember them if I wait any longer.
I never thought of my breast cancer as "an experience." It was detected, found and removed--successfully. Even though the oncologist--a woman(!) assures me I am 'progressing nicely' as each day goes by....my last scan reveals that I must take the hormone treatments for 10years, not the 5 years I was "promised." As an RN, I know medicine is an evolving science with wonderful treatments for people with all kinds of diseases and ailments--subconsciously, I was counting on that 5 year limit. My Bad! Cancer's a bitch but then so am I!!
I never loved R**** at all. Sure, you were cute and at the time I had no boobs or hair or self-esteem. That's why I let you come see me in hospital. You WERE coming to see me. Then B****y put an immediate stop to those visits. I am still surprised you let her stop you from coming to see me--a breast cancer patient who posed no threat to you two as a couple. Nevertheless, you stopped visiting me.  Funny thing though-you two are no longer a couple...and I'm still alive!!
Don't believe the hype!! IN MY CASE--these pink ribbons and bracelets, keychains and hats are nothing more than merchandise. They can get you singled-out for some REALLY UNWANTED conversations from-mostly good-hearted people and those who simply want you to know THEY know you've got/fighting breast cancer. I was a target with a lovely pink bull's-eye on my head or wrist.
"It's easier to pull a man down than it is to raise him up." So?  I learned that lesson this past year.
Met at church. She lived in my neighborhood and from what I saw, was a pretty good person. But soon, I was running her to HER dr.'s appts and barely making mine! I tend to do that. I actually believe(d) that friends do for each other if and when they can.  Turns out, I had met an addict with absolutely no intentions whatsoever of ever being clean and sober. I found I was feeling badly about myself because I couldn't help her. Oh, she knew every food pantry in the area, how to get "around the system" and some sort of 'gov't money' that she used to do her buying. Couldn't rescue her. She was bringing me down!!
Except for my son and granddaughter, I have no family. "Aunt Lily" passed from lung cancer and "Paula" passed just before Christmas leaving a scattered bunch of cousins I've either never seen or want to see. Frankly, you readers rank 3rd in my heart because sometimes, when I've really been in pain, in the grasp of loneliness and yes-thinking of ending it...I go to you. "My Readers" is such a comforting thing for me during this particular holiday. Even if ONE person read my posts and HATED them, I'd be unable to feel alone. THANK YOU ALL!!
I have cried, screamed, yelled at God and thanked Him for giving me this experience. No, I do not think God gave me cancer. He made me the 'Enforcer' I used to be. I finally learned to take care of myself FIRST without thinking it was selfish to do so.
I swept away all those "fake friends" and raked in a few lovers who weren't repulsed by my scars, baldness or the various wigs I'd wear. They saw me.
You see me too. I reveal more to you because maybe someone somewhere will learn something from me.
Now let's have a KICK-ASS 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. Merry Christmas, Dyane. May peace be with you.

    For your refrigerator - or bathroom mirror:

    “A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.” - Jim Watkins

    “Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.” - Thomas Carlyle

    “A failure is not always a mistake. It may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.” - B. F. Skinner

    “Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." - Robert Collier

    “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

    “If you are going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill

    “The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That’s real glory. That’s the essence of it.” - Vince Lombardi

    “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” - Maya Angelou

    Soak these in, like a sponge. Please post here and let me know when you've received them.

    1. You will never know how much I needed these encouraging quotes...esp today. I certainly AM and will CONTINUE to soak in and cling to each and every one. THANK YOU!! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

  2. Wishing you the best - as always. All of my comments are sent out of care and concern for you, none are meant to control you - you are the driver of that vehicle.

    As a courtesy, please, simply let me know when you've read them. (P.S. A comment was left a couple of blogs ago - I'm not sure if you've read it.)