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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Lost a Friend---Merry Christmas.

I knew it was just a matter of time before my "place" in the friendship would no longer be 'needed' Yesterday was that day.
We are driving down the road when 'Ben' announces that he is going to go "pick up an ex-girlfriend who just got into it with her husband and bringing her home". Wow! He's just decided to move somebody in without asking first. He doesn't have to "he's a man." He said nothing would change--well, it has.
There goes our morning ritual of coffee and a morning walk with the dogs.. He can't now...he's got to be with Ally. ALL THE TIME!
He was supposed to go to church with me but after declining my invitation yet going to HER church.
I know how this goes...suddenly no calls, no shopping and NO offers of a ride now that my car is torn up. I have hauled people everywhere but when I need something...they don't know me now that I have no car. The silence is deafening!
The latest is the complete transformation of Ben. He is really just a 34yr old country boy whose hobbies include getting high...and getting high again. Unfortunately, nobody ever really knew he smoked.
He goes from house to house taking up residence in the spare rooms "earning his keep" by cleaning and cooking. No monetary help just the handyman.
At one time we were friends. But I never thought our friendship would be broken because of the stray woman he has picked up! She's the latest in our group of pitiful people. "But I swear, nothing will change. Really?
Then why won't you speak to me? Why avoid me? It is as if he is completely taking over this woman's life and has no time for his friends."
Hurt. Cut deep. Why? Because I know I am now "Out of the Family" now.
Somebody might get the wrong idea--can't have that now, can we?
I really hate to admit this but I'd give anything for a man to call me "Baby" "Sweetie" or some other term of endearment but 'tis not to be.
What breaks my heart is that this is like high school. A guy claims a girl and she's his. Done with her? Move on "it's not like she has feelings."
Well, I have feelings of anger, betrayal and shock.
The night before she arrived, Ben assured me that his other friendships would not interfere with "us."
First thing: He never came for coffee like he said he would and I'm just supposed to understand.
I certainly am jealous. I would LOVE to be in a married relationship like this girl is and know that if things get rough, she can always run to Brian.
That means no contact with females while she is there. The silence is deafening in my friend's house. She's now got 3 dogs, and two strays...the people.
I have been bumped down to "acquaintance friend."  He has to spend his time with her!
But he told me to my face that nothing would ever change our friendship. BOY!! Did he get that wrong. He won't even call my name. He completely ignores me.  Some friend!
Oh, this Christmas is shaping up to be a DANDY!!!


  1. I wish you could/would rise above these people. I'm not preaching, just wishing - for your sake, and no one else's. You are more capable/deserving/good than you'll ever know.

    "They are able who think they are able." - Virgil

    "If I have the belief I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma Gandhi

    "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." - Henry Ford

    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” - Dr. Suess

    "Our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist. We are collaborators in creation." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

    “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” - Carl Gustav Jung

    and on a different note...

    "He that will believe only what he can fully comprehend must have a long head or a very short creed." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

    1. Great comments. Love your brilliance and thank you for your concern. Here's looking forward to a "Big, Blogging, New Year."