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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Crisis of Faith #1 Maybe Not ALL Are Welcome

I enjoy going to church. My church especially. It is a "praising" church with the motto of come as you are. Pretty cool. Anything from blue jeans to dresses and hats are welcomed and praise is the sermon.
Two Sundays ago, I was on my way to my church when I felt that left rear blow. Instead of being discouraged, I found it pretty fortunate that I was able to limp into the parking lot of my Aunt Pat's church. Well, I thought, I've always wanted to visit this church...what better time?! So I called a friend of mine to let him know that I'd be calling him after services and I'd need him to fix my flat tire. I had the money, he had a spare so we were in business!
After the call, I put my phone on vibrate, put my Bible in my MK bag and got out of the car. But suddenly, there stood a well dressed man in his 40's or 50's standing at my back bumper. "What are you doing here?" he asked. Even though I was startled I told him about the flat.
"You got somebody to come get you?" he asked.
"Well, yes, sir. I've always wanted to visit this church so I thought I'd attend and then call my friend to change the tire." He didn't seem too happy with my answer.
I was trying to figure out why I seemed to be intruding on this church and parking lot. I was well-dressed for church. I was modestly dressed, toned the makeup and was even wearing flats so I wouldn't be nearly 5'10" I am in heels. I was carrying a well-known purse so I didn't get this guy's "drift" I suppose.
I was fortunate enough to have been able to park perfectly in the first available one in the lot and wasn't blocking anyone but when I took a step forward towards the church...he got in front of me! He looked as if he was blocking my way into the church! What was happening?
I really felt strange. I never thought someone would try to prevent me from going in a church but it certainly seemed to be happening!
Then I did something I hate to do. But in this situation, it was worth a shot so I said, "My Aunt Pat Thompson goes to this church so I thought I would visit." The change that came over that man was predictable yet disappointing. He broke out in a smile, extended his hand and shook mine. I had actually said the "secret word" so suddenly I was welcomed.
This went against everything I had ever been taught. Everyone one is welcome in a church, right? My car might not be straight from the showroom floor but it was decent and I had someone coiming to fix the flat. What was his problem?
I think what stunned me the most is the feeling of having to meet some unspoken criteria before I'd be let in the building. Well, with this man's "approval" I started towards the sanctuary. Unbeknownst to me, a very nice red-haired woman had been watching this entire exchange and when I got close enough to her, she held out her hand, introduced herself and she accompanied me inside and sat beside me.
The church had quite a few of my long-lost relatives including the pastor. He recognized me, called me by name and welcomed me and I proceeded to have a wonderful service. There is very little sermon but lots of singing and praying. Yes, I did she my aunt who also ended up sitting with me. In and out in an hour. Beautiful service. Unfortunately, I was still thinking I'd probably not been allowed in if I hadn't "dropped" Pat's name.
After service, a friend had been by, fixed my flat and I rode home as if nothing unusual had happened. But it had occurred. For the first time I felt unwelcomed in a House of God. I've always heard of people going into the neighborhood to get people to come to church...not to "screen" anyone trying to attend. But of course, this would happen to me!! God Bless!!

A Hard Lesson to Learn During Thanksgiving

I love my 1997 Ford Taurus GL and like most cars, they have trouble from time to time. The first estimate I got for the "minor repair" was $2700.00! Yeah, right. So I decided to go to the manager of my complex Tony, to see if he had anyone he could recommend. "Ed" would be coming to my home to fix what ever was wrong because, " he fixes my cars." The manager said. Then he added, "look, Ed is sixty-two years old and he lives in his van. He parks in a vacant lot over in M'vill but he's nothing to worry about. He just needs a break." I thought if Tony knows him, he must be okay. Who cares if he is homeless and lives in a van? He's probably needing money around this time of year anyway sooo.
Ed drives up in his van, complete with dog and pulled out a series of tools to rival NASCAR. The deal was I buy the parts and I pay a set fee of $100.00 for time and trouble. No problem. Unfortunately, the more work he did, the more another problem began to surface.
Little by little, Ed began making rather inappropriate comments. "G*damn, you're a good-looking lady.""Anybody ever tell you, you got a great ass?" I ignored all his comments. Then he started bringing beer to the house. I don't mind beer, I just didn't want to think this man would drink, get drunk and then leave my house and have an accident. So I asked him not to bring it anymore. "No prob." he said. "You some sort of 'Christian?"
"You know, when I get this car fixed, you won't want to see me anymore." he said.
"But you're here because Tony recommended you and I'm paying you."
"Now you sound like you want to get rid of me."
"I just want my car fixed."
There were three consecutive days he came over, didn't even look at the car but brought in his guitar to show off his musical abilities. Now the man can play! No question about that but I wasn't paying to be sung to when my car needed to be completely fixed. "Maybe you'll let me take you to Gatlinburg sometime?" he asked.
"No thanks." I said. On those three days, he said he couldn't look at the car because "the time has changed, dark comes faster and my van don't have headlights". I was beginning to get nervous.
Then I really stepped in it. He was working on the car, came in to wash his hands and he smelled so badly that it took my breath away.  I didn't want to embarrass him so I said, "I'm going to be doing some wash soon, let me have that coat and I'll wash it for you." So I did. The next day when my son had come by to visit, Ed asked if he could take a shower. So I let him. I thought I was being nice and helpful because the smell wasn't just the man's coat...it was him. My son left after Ed did so, no big deal.
It got so bad that when the transmission leak was fixed, other things like unexplained flat tires and "extra examinations" of completed work had to be done by Ed. I told Tony who just told me to call the law but I didn't. I finished paying the guy and sent him on his way. But then he started calling and calling to the point where I stopped answering my phone. The he sent a text that read, "So much for you being a Christian lady. After everything I've done you just don't have anything else to say? I don't know what I did but you got some nerve being a backstabber, thief and a liar. Be sure to go to church on Wed and Sunday so you can keep on fooling those people." He wrote worse things but I never respond.
As usual, the police are no help at all and when I explained that I am all alone in my home and am still receiving breast cancer treatment their reply was, "And you thought this was important enough to notify us?"
Once again, I suffered from car trouble but THIS time it was the MECHANIC.
It hurts me to say this but I am beginning to understand some of the reluctance people have in hiring homeless men...especially when you can't trust a "trusted friend" to send you a good mechanic who maybe down on their luck.
I've told everyone I'm 'supposed' to tell when alone and some crazy man bothers you but looks like as usual it's fallen on deaf ears. BUT AT LEAST YOU ALL KNOW.  Thanks for reading!
                                             Happy Thanksgiving and May God Bless Us All

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Election 2016 You MUST Vote

This election has been the dirtiest and most obnoxious thing I've seen in my life. "Info-tainment" has replaced facts and serious discussions of the issues. I watched each convention and was horrified to see the difference between the DNC and the RNC. The DNC seemed to have more positive messages and unity while the RNC was backing a self-centered celebrity who claimed...in that famous "Jesus pose" he alone was the only one who could "make America Great Again."
In my area of the country , it is pro-Republican no matter who the candidate is. How can they do that? Speaker Paul Ryan has declared that he voted for Donald Trump after refusing to support him when Mr. Trump became the nominee. Others here, too are voting for Trump simply because he's a Republican nominee. To me, that is like voting for Obama just because he's black or Mrs. Clinton just because she is a woman.
In reality, voting just because of the above stated reasons are perfectly understandable because voters want someone "like them." But those in this area have absolutely nothing in common with Mr. Trump except their fear of immigrants "stealing their jobs" and the hope that since Trump is a billionaire, they will share in the piece of the pie.
For the past few weeks, I have refused to watch any news or so-called "news." What peace it brought to me. I didn't have to hear about emails, scandals, sexual assaults and hatred. I did watch the debates but after that I found comfort in channels showing old John Wayne movies and sports.
Three generations of us went to our local courthouse to vote early. This is my son's first election for POTUS and he takes it very seriously. So my mother, my son and I early voted. Nana said that she never imagined that one day she'd have the opportunity to vote for a woman for POTUS. What I've come to realize is that candidates must relate to voters whether they do it by promising walls, deportations, health care and equal pay for equal work.
None of us discussed who our votes were going to but we did discuss the disgraceful media coverage and the resurgent of the words "c**t' and 'p***y." We also commented on the debates and how the mediators didn't seem to be able to control those events. Nothing is worse than interruption after interruption, personal attacks and threatening to put your opposition in jail.
I have to admit that I am scared. Tuesday will be one of the most important days in our history. There seems to be just a hint of the "pendulum" swinging slowly backwards. Would we go backwards if we elect Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton? As a woman, what will I lose and gain if Trump wins or Clinton wins?
I remember a quote by George W. Bush said during his campaign against Mr. Kerry. He said, "Do you vote for the Devil you know OR the Devil you don't know?" Of course, he won because we didn't know what to expect had Bush lost his second term. That quote has stuck with me.
VOTE! No matter how you vote, VOTE. It is essential THIS year. Even though the real issues seemed to been put on the back burner, VOTE!!
VOTE! Have YOUR say! VOTE your conscience. Our world is in trouble and WE THE PEOPLE are the only ones that can bring this foolishness to a halt!

God Bless America!  VOTE!