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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

My Merry Little Christmas

Okay, I was kinda dreading Christmas. Never ever had the 'Hallmark Card' Christmas. Wasn't looking forward to any holiday. My son Blake, graduated and is living his own life. Didn't bother getting a tree. Seemed pointless. But then I decided to try and get out of my own way and "let Christmas happen." I did a little prep work by getting involved with services dedicated to homeless women and children. I also signed up with a nation-wide "Secret Santa" campaign, sent a few gifts to my 'match' and received a wonderful gift package from mine! That just might be my new tradition.

Couldn't avoid the invitation for long so I went to my son and his girlfriend Tara's home for Christmas dinner. Didn't really want to go but Blake wanted me there.  I thought I would stay a few minutes, make up some excuse to leave and then go back home. But when I got there, it was like stepping onto a "Walton's" soundstage. There was an enormous tree decorated with everything from popcorn to handmade ornaments. Dinner was ham with sliced pineapple, buttered corn, rolls, Pringle's PECAN PIE potato chips(!), millions of calories etc. all for the consumption; presents to the ceiling and for the first time in a very long time, I was in a houseful of children! The kids-ages ten and under--were screaming, shrieking, running and causing trouble. The chaos was wonderful!

The biggest surprise for me was the diamond/ruby necklace my son and his girlfriend gave me. Normally, my son can't keep a secret but this is one time he did. Wow! Dinner, a gift and family.
When I left for my own home, I started thinking. What is 'family'? There's the one you start out with, the one you hope for and the one you end up with. This certainly isn't the one I dreamed for my son. But so what? My 'family' is now Blake, Tara, her three children...and a granddaughter for me whose ETA is mid-March '14. How 'bout that? It's a wonderful life.

Now I am ending my Christmas Eve with the first Midnight Mass of Pope Francis. The Bishop of Rome is teaching me non-judgmental love and that maybe I should continue 'getting out of my own way.' Who knows what blessings await when you just let things happen!

Thursday, December 12, 2013


He was sixteen, driving at three times the legal limit for alcohol with two friends in the back of his pickup truck. After he crashed, there were four people dead and nine wounded. This was not the first time he'd driven drunk nor was it the first time he'd been in trouble with the law. Prosecutors wanted the maximum penalty of twenty years and with this teen's history, they thought he'd at least be taught a lesson. But during the trial, a doctor was able to convince the Texas judge that this teen suffered from "Affluenza," or the effects of having no parental guidance or boundaries due to his parent's wealth therefore needing rehab instead of restitution and jail time...and the judge agreed. So now the teen is being held until the 'proper' rehab center can be located while four of his victims lie in their final resting place. The news reported that "Rich Dad" wants to place the teen in a 5-star resort facility in California because they "don't allow cell phones in the suites or their gourmet dining areas" at a cost of four hundred thousand a year.

We know of cases where women were deemed "too pretty to go to jail" and that rich people get treated differently by society and the legal system but now we have a pseudo-diagnosis of being too rich for jail and a name for it: Affluenza. It was explained like this:

         "Affluenza is the result of wealth. Your parents are so busy buying you things, taking you places and seeing to it that you are experiencing only the best that they aren't able to give you the proper guidance, teach you right from wrong and/or set boundaries. They do not have the ability to tell their children, 'No.' Because of their wealth, they are unable to follow through on punishments or make their child suffer any sort of consequences. Therefore the child is an abused child and needs treatment instead of incarceration." As stated before, the judge agreed.

Four lives gone and nine others will forever suffer the consequences of this teen's actions while he never did--according to the 'justice' system. The judge reportedly claimed, "No punishment will bring any of the victims back, the focus must be on the living...the teen." Wealth has prevented any further actions or appeals at this 'sentence' while the judge prepares for her impending retirement.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Lennon and Madiba

I was a teen when Grandma walked into the kitchen and said, "Somebody's shot John Lennon." I didn't believe her. She had to have the wrong information. That was too much of a shock.Who would want to kill him?

By the time I was old enough to know who The Beatles were they had broken up. Strangely enough, my grandmother had their music in our house right along with her collections of The Carter Family, Roy Acuff, Hank Williams, Sr., Bessie Smith and Dinah Washington. Grandma liked to listen to the words of songs and thought "those English boys say such wonderful things."
After their split, it seemed that each Beatle had gone onto their own individual success--even Ringo. Paul had gone off with Linda, George was getting spiritual, John had Yoko and I think Ringo had an actress wife. I was just grateful that they had left their music to the world. "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," "Ticket to Ride," "Norwegian Wood," "We Can Work it Out" etc., were works of God-given genius as far as I was concerned. I'd wonder what it must've been like in those "Lennon-McCartney" writing sessions.
When I first heard "Imagine," I was struck by it's simplicity. The song reminded me of some of the discussions I had with various friends of mine. We asked, "What if...there was no Heaven, hunger, war" etc., while John (yes, we kind of felt like we knew him) asked us to "Imagine" those things. Maybe if we could "see it" we'd "achieve it." We figured he'd be around when his world "living as one" started to happen. But he was taken from us that night in 1980.
There's been a lot of coverage of the passing of Nelson Mandela since Dec. 5th and as I watched some of it, I remembered the death of John Lennon was Sunday the 8th. I didn't think the two men could be connected in any way and then I saw the children in New York simultaneously singing "Imagine" with children from Johannesburg, South Africa at the end of this particular news broadcast. Maybe somewhere John and Madiba are smiling. Imagine that.

Friday, December 6, 2013


'Baby Daddy' was lying on the living room floor in his reindeer boxers when I came out of the bedroom.
"I'm tired, overdue and a mess! I'm having this baby today!" I declared.
He just said, "Sure, okay." I went back to bed.
He was still there in the same position when three hours later, I came out of the bedroom and said, "I'm having this baby today."
"I know. You already said that."
"No, I mean I'm having this baby NOW!"
Labor had begun.

He flew by me to get my packed bag from the bedroom closet, I just made myself comfortable in our big recliner. He came back in the living room with my bag and said, "Let's go to the hospital."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to sit right here."
"But you can't have the baby here. We gotta go."
"I'll have this baby anywhere I want." I said, "I'm not going anywhere. Since you're so fired up to go somewhere, go to the kitchen and bring me some cherry Jell-O."
Well, God bless him, he ended up bringing me all six containers of the Jell-O over the next hour but he was watching me so intently that I just couldn't take it anymore! "Okay. If you'll quit staring at me I'll make YOU happy and go to the hospital. Let's go." I said.
That man walked me to the car like a sheriff escorting a suspect and drove me to the hospital like he was at Indy. But we made it there safely (even though he did reach 80mph. at one point.)
I had natural childbirth and while there was a crisis involving the umbilical cord,
 at 9:14p.m. Tuesday, December 6th 1994, Blake was born...during a commercial break on TV's "Frasier"!                                   
                                                          Happy 19th Birthday, Blake!    

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Post-Shopping Elixir

Nothing cools down a spicy meal or a day of Christmas shopping like sangria. I'm reminded of that famous commercial---let me paraphrase it, "I rarely drink but when I do, I like some sweet sangria. So stay thirsty...and keep shopping, my friends!"
Combine 1/3 cup orange juice
2/3 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup sugar in a half-gallon pitcher.
Stir the sugar until dissolved.
Add 1 bottle (approx. 750ml) dry red wine.
Add ice, lemon slices and orange slices to the mixture.