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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Thursday, May 30, 2013

COUGAR TROUBLE Pt. 2: The Manufactured Relationship

     Since the last time I wrote on this subject, life has changed immensely. After eighteen years under my roof, my son, Blake, is now under the one "Boss Lady" shares with her three children. I hate it. This is not the life I had envisioned for my son at all. I wanted him to graduate from high school, keep working, go to college, meet a nice girl, date her, bring her home to meet me, try to win me over, change my mind about her, marry, give me grandchildren and live happily ever after. What could be better? I know we can't help who we love but that doesn't apply here. My son is just the object in a manufactured relationship.
      As a woman, I know all about manufactured relationships. I know how manufactured relationships are done and have had a few myself. The principle is to evaluate the viable candidates and then choose the best one. I have cut a guy or two from the herd at my place of employment and then proceeded to "get him to like me." You know, gush to whoever will listen about how cute 'he' is, spend a little too much time trying to "accidentally" run into him in the hallway or in the parking lot, making up things to talk to him about and evaluating every glance, look, word, etc. to convince myself that we were "meant to be." While it can be done with any man if you try hard enough, younger men are always easier to get. That is exactly what Boss Lady did. She got a roommate out of it. Unfortunately, these relationships start falling apart when the woman discovers that while she was trying to get the guy to like her--she never really decided that she liked him.
     It was bad enough that he was at her house after work when he was telling me he was with a friend but then he purposely picked a fight with me so he could declare, "I'm going to live with Sara!"
Not the best way to tell your mother your plans, huh? That's exactly what I'd expect from a guy my son's age. I get it. I hate it but I get it. I was just not ready to let him go and I certainly wasn't ready to turn him over to another woman...not this woman...not a twenty-six year old mother of three. Not yet. Now yet. Hell, not ever!

Monday, May 20, 2013



     Blake, my eighteen year old high school senior son, got a part-time job after school in January of this year. Flexible hours. Money in the pockets. What could be better? Pretty soon, he was going to and from work with his friend "Sara."  Another kid from his high school was working there, too. They were dating?.. intimate? Maybe. Got to be realistic. Horrifying thought for any mother.
     One night a very sexy message was sent "accidentally" to my phone. It was from Sara. I showed it to him the next morning as he was getting ready for school, he just rolled his eyes. High school girls are bold these days, huh?
    Two days later, Sara called to tell me what a great employee Blake is and apologize for that text.she had sent. Sara is no teenager. She is my son's boss!
     Sara is a twenty-six year old, single-mother of three children who are all under the age of six. Two boys by one father and a girl by another man. That's just a fact, not a judgment. Things happen. She is however, known to "pursue the new guy" at work. Blake was just the latest. By the way, that text was sent to me on purpose.
     Blake and his date went to the prom two weeks ago. Sara called me to find out where 'they' were and said, "If you'll give me his date's cell number, I'll call and find out where they are--for YOU." What?
     Friday night was graduation and Sara shows up with her two little boys, moves people around, in and out of their seats so she could sit in the ONE available seat next to me. Three people in one seat. During the ceremony the youngest became uncomfortable, began to cry so Sara moved everyone around again and spent the rest of the evening watching from the hallway.
     I tell myself Blake is eighteen, has a job and is responsible. He'll get over this, It's just a phase. He's flattered by the attention etc.. I do, however, have the occasional vision of Blake with Baby #4 as Daddy #3 or Sara sneaking into our house and boiling Blake's dog, Rascal! (He doesn't have a rabbit.)

                                                    I'll let you know what happens.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Value YOUR Mother

Mom and I were inseparable for the first nine months but we split one day and went our separate ways! That's the joke I like to make to explain away the fact that my mother was absent from most of my life. It's easier to take when I make a joke about it.

She was one of those free-love 60's kind of gals who chased after drugs, the latest political cause and men. "Make love not war" was the slogan of the day but she forgot the rest of it..."and be prepared for BOTH." That's how I got here. I was an inconvenience she had to dump and dash. She left me with her mother.

 She'd breeze in and out of my life as the years passed. In a previous entry, I wrote of her sex talk. "All men want to do is stick their..." That's Mom. No boundaries, no filters and no idea how to talk to her child. No desire to, either.

So when Mother's Day rolls around, she expects me to take her out, give her a gift and listen to her gripe about how SHE should've been the one to go to college, get a degree and have a career...not me.
I play along and rationalize in my head that doing this crap will get me a place in Heaven! Gotta have a sense of humor about it, right?

Her absence spoke louder than words. From it, I learned that we are all meant to be here. Love yourself. Admire yourself. Forgive yourself.  Value family. Always be there for your child. Teach what you know. Learn what you can. Get silly. Get that blessing. Get that college education. Get that career. Get that heart's desire. Get hurt. Get rest. Get relief. Get back up. Get an attitude. Get that life you are meant to have. No matter what it is GET IT.

If you were blessed with a loving mother, take today and let her know. Admittedly, I envy those who do.                                                      

                                                            Happy Mother's Day