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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Old Lovers and Be Careful What You Wish For (Updatedf)

This is a revised and updated version of the post of nearly the same name. The last post somehow was deleted and with the events that have passed since, I felt an update was in order.
When Rick D*******a sent me a friend request via Facebook I was immediately stunned. Then I became suspicious. Why would he want to locate me? Who put him up to doing this? Why now? Of course my next thought was that his marriage must be in trouble--didn't know if he was married or not butt I figured if he is trying to contact me--something is wrong at home.
Rick is that nice, sweet polite guy who isn't really physically attractive but the way he treats you makes you want to leave your panties at home. He was like that in college. I didn't know he was engaged the night he ended up in my dorm room and in my bed. All I knew was this was my first real man and I asked him to 'go slow with me.' I had never had a man send my clitoris into spasms nor had a man give it a tender kiss but Rick did and in short, I was his.
We had this secret between us that was never revealed. The last time Rick came to my room, he was armed with a Bible. He read James 1: 8 to me about the "double-minded man" being unstable in all his ways and told me that I had made him this way because sleeping with me was interfering with his relationship with his fiancé. Kinda felt a weird sense of pride that somehow I had driven this man to the Bible for answers--but to what?
He was dumping me and I guess feeling badly about it. But he didn't feel too badly for that "one last ride." So we went to bed together 'one last time' and then afterwards, he never spoke to me or looked in my direction the remains years of college.
Thirty years later, I get a Facebook Friend Request from none other than Rick! He made his request in September but I couldn't figure out what to do until May. I was surprised he didn't give up. To be honest, I really don't remember a lot from my college years so I was reluctant to answer his post. But a step at a time I would post to him and to be honest, he was a wonderful distraction during my last radiation treatments for breast cancer. He said he hurt for me when he read I had cancer and he'd thought of me often during the years.
I was fascinated that he was still married to the girl he was engaged to when he was sneaking into my bed on occasion. How is somebody married 30 years? An amazing feat if you ask me!! But you know something? 30 years DOES change a person. Rick would text me "Thinking of you" on the days of my treatment which made me feel better. Then we began sexting to each other. I had never done this before but I must say I can give E.L.James a run for her money when it comes to talking dirty to a man! But this wasn't the 25yr old boy who used to sneak in my room at night I was sexting, this was a 57yr old married man, grandfather and business owner. Ugh
Through a strange occurrence, Rick came to see me right after a treatment. I was excited and nervous because I was about to see in person the guy who read the Bible to me before he "laid and left me" 30 years ago! Wow!
When he arrived, I realized he wasn't the guy in my head. 30 years had worn on him but his eyes were as blue as the first time he was looking up at me in bed. His hair was as white as snow and his hands were as rough as anyone who works in the fields. We did some fast catching up and I held his hand through it all and ventured up and down his arms feeling those muscles I remembered in college. He kissed me as hard and as passionately as he had done in school and I felt his tongue in my mouth flow all the way down to my clitoris--just like in school.
But this wasn't going to be a Lifetime Movie where the college lovers reunite and live happily ever after. This story ended before an affair could begin. 30 years have taught me that  woman must be her own person and live or die by her choices. I chose to see Rick that day and even though you could see the 30 years on his face, he was still the sweet boy who read the Bible to, made love to you then dumped you for his then fiancĂ© now wife.
He asked me did I remember the first time we'd made love and I should've asked him did he remember the last time we made love. 30 years later a dream was stopped before a nightmare could begin.  Sometimes the fantasy is far better than the reality.