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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Monday, October 19, 2015

My "Pity Party" or Crappy Monday

I am currently going thru the last stages of my breast cancer. I have been told I have to go 5 years to be considered cured...well, BlogSpot family....why should I bother?
I live by myself. Nobody ever comes to visit me BUT they call when they need a trip to wherever the fuck they need to go FULLY EXPECTING me to do, buy, take them some place or whatever!
OK. This is hard for me to admit but I have very little money and even less food for the time being. Sure, my medications cost a lot of money and I need a little bit of help for the time being but NOBODY in my family seems to know I'm even alive until they need m car.
SOMETIMES, I'd like for SOMEBODY to say, "Hey, how u doing? Need anything?"
I have been going to a church that is Baptist AND in support of the LGBT community. It is a positive and friendly place. It is an actual praising church. I've seen them send kids to camp, pay on some folks medical bills...you name it. So...even though I would've rather taken a bullet than ask but the pastor of the church DID say the deadliest thing he could say to me. He said, "If u ever need anything, let me know."  The problem is I tend to believe people. So I took a little piece of paper and wrote, "Pastor, is there any way you could buy me a pack of bologna?...."
GOD why in all of Hell did I send him that note? NOW not only does he know I have very little food FOR NOW...I admitted it myself!
I was told by my oncologist that love and support is important for all cancer patients and with my family...I'm better off dead. I cannot believe the comedown my life is experiencing. I had everything I needed to get my RN license back and career choices that weren't available the last time I worked as an RN. But instead of sending all that to the nursing board, I stopped by my house for some reason that still escapes me, turned on my local news and was 'reminded' to do my monthly breast exam. Well, I did and now the rest I guess is history. Stage three invasive breast cancer, immediate double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and now hormones.
Today really broke my heart. I have this 'friend' who insisted I take her new man to the Social Security office in town so at age 36 can apply for disability for being illiterate. Yep, this guy is 36 years old and not only cannot read or write--has no desire to learn. Just "get me a check," I guess.
Then I had to take my grown son to his office because "why get a car when Mom will take me?"
Look everyone, I am about at the end of it. I try to tell myself that God is allowing this to prepare me for something in the future. "Keep your head up!" "Prayer changes things." "Ask for help when you need it!" Why? When you can't get a pastor--who said "let me know if u need anything"--to buy u a package of bologna...you are pretty well screwed.
It gets hard sometimes constantly having to pull myself up by my bra straps.
I get tired. I get sick. Unfortunately, I'm truly all I got!!
I know. I know. I should have some cheese with all this "whining" I'm doing but today was awful. Yes, I understand that no matter w!hat I go through, Jesus Christ went through worse...and even though I am a child of God, I'm not THAT one! I'm just a human. Nobody I know realizes it. But I know YOU do.

Thank You Readers!!

Friday, October 16, 2015

Time for a Change?

A woman supposedly has the "prerogative" to change her mind...so by this logic, she can change anything else right?   Having way too much fun on a Friday night!  I think it's the hair! New hair and the attitude to match!
I should've put a little blush on my Cherokee cheekbones...but everything else turned out alright.


As REO Speedwagon sing in "Variety Tonight"   'I can be different, Honey.....I can be new.....want someone else? I can be HER, too!!"

Have a Great Weekend! More posts are on the way.

Love you Readers!

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Do Men NOT Know that Women Lie, too?

My grandmother always said, "Never trust anything that bleeds 5 days a month, every month for years and doesn't die." So why don't men ever question women?
Recently, a blast from the past started sending me Facebook messages. He made his way thru by commenting on my "inference" of breast cancer and even though I have a strict policy of "never go back to anyone you used to date" and "no married men" I slipped. Well, unfortunately, he was both. But big deal, right? Women can't talk to married men? NO. They can't.
"But we can just be friends." NO. You can't.  Especially, if the married man is "connected" in the community and "well-known at church." This merely sets the stage for him to eventually say, "You haven't kept any of our messages, right? I'm a married man...I have standing in the community and church...blah, blah, blah."
My question is: "How can a man with apparently so much to lose never considers the honesty of the woman he "wants on the side."? Does he really expect HER to be 100% honest...when he's not? Why does he expect HER to protect his marriage?
"To thine own self be true...lie your ass off. Men never see it coming."
The fascinating thing to me is HE can tell you whatever he thinks will work at the time while never thinking that you might not be telling the truth-either. Now climb off those moral mountains ladies...you might say "liar" but I'm saying "protective speech." Why not? Doesn't every married man claim, "I am married. I shouldn't have been doing this anyway." Wow, ladies...that's some consolation, huh? In other words it's, "Look, I gotta keep this secret so my wife doesn't find out. Besides, YOU should've known better."
Again, why doesn't it ever occur to a married man that you might be an even better liar than he is?
Men know women lie, right? I'm not letting some secret "cat out of the bag" am I? Contrary to many a married man's fantasy, "outside piece" isn't home alone by the phone awaiting for you to call so she can start breathing again. You see, she's actually not dying to break up your family to get you for herself. She knows you're all talk...maybe you should start realizing that she's "all talk," too.
My little married man friend "said" something to me that I can't live with. Every woman should have a line that can never be crossed by anyone. Once the line IS crossed, whoever crossed it simply no longer exists. Cut them out. Even the Bible speaks on the value of doing this.
I still wonder: Did he really think I was going to give him directions to MY home? Why do men think women have no life?  Oh sure, we are taught to "worship" the male form and "stand by him because he's only...just a man" (s/o to the late Tammy Wynette) BUT NOT WHILE LOSING OURSELVES!
I have every text and post he ever sent me. Girls like to collect things...and we like to read those sexy, erotic messages 'our' man leaves us that somehow prove his love...even though he's married. You can bet he's erased every message you've ever sent!
Again, why are men so careless? Telling you where he works? Saying he'll call but never does? Making an awful lot of personal information about himself "virtual pillowtalk"? And "taking time out of his busy day to text you" is supposed to be some big deal?
Ever wonder why so many men get caught cheating while women rarely are caught? It's because WE are better at it. "Our" outside man/men are at least across town and out of town. We are the are the gatherers-we will "scout around" in case of an emergency--or a breakup. We have a backup plan, and a backup plan for the backup plan. We are careful. Most of the time, he isn't even aware of it.  He's his own priority, he's decided that his wife is now "The Warden" so he deserves some "outside p***y."
"My wife doesn't understand me." he says. So?
The inability for a man to think "what you sow, so shall ye reap" is the key to everything girls. Not only are we secretly relieved when "our bull" wanders over to someone else's pasture...we know it'll never occur to him that we've checked out a few "bulls" ourselves.
I lust for big, tall, dark-haired men with intelligence and jobs. Anything less and I have suffered.  But I have learned.  It works in our favor, ladies that a man is made the way he is because they are so much easier to cheat on and lie to than we are.
Married men aren't the free-wheeling, good time guys they used to be once they got away from "the warden" at home. One told me that if a naked woman was "in the mood" and wearing a Cardinals jersey, he'd be too distracted by the jersey "to perform" sexually. OMG!!
Women, on the other hand, will tell the worst lover she ever had how wonderful he was--and he will BELIEVE it. Thank God.
So if you're thinking "relationships can't be based on lies" you're right. But guys, please consider that your "outside piece" may be a better liar than you are.
I am!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

In Praise of the Younger Man

My grandmother always told me to ,"date young guys...raise them as you want and when he 'acts up' just get another." Strange words I suppose coming from your 70 year old granny but she was very liberated in her views on everything...especially sex.
In my life I have found her words to be great advice. Personally, I prefer younger men. Every older man I dated only wanted to stay home, sit in the corner of a sports bar or nothing. Initially when I entered the dating world, I dated older men. because I thought I was supposed to . But the problem I found was, while older men are usually great conversationalists, not much into the "action" part. Sure, I'd like to talk about the world's issues, wars as other failings of humanity but sometimes a girl just wants to fuck.
Recently, I asked 57 year old "Mike" this question: "What would you do if I came to you, in the mood and naked underneath my St. Louis Cardinals jersey?"
Mike: "Oh, I'd be too distracted by the jersey to do anything sexual."
WTF? OMG! I'm a Cards fan from way back but if I come to you naked under my Cards jersey--I expect sex! Even during the playoffs, a naked woman wearing only a Cards jersey wants you!! But no. Sorry.
I asked a 30 year old friend of mine the same question:
Adam: I would look at her and say "That's beautiful...now take it off, let's f**k!"
I even asked my 21 year old son and his response was:
Blake: "Naked under a jersey tells me she wants sex." BRAVO!
I date in the "I don't care about your age" group. But I have noticed a difference in older vs younger men...and this is just MY experience
Most of the time, I am a 5'5" in shape, blonde and a 38DD chest. I consider my self attractive and I love cooking, sports and men. Like some men, my dates are supposed to end with sex. Terrible, I know but I am a single woman, drug and disease-free and a professional. I just need a "match." The match seems to be lurking around in the 30 to 50 age range.
In MY experience, older men have to have their pills--can't tolerate spicy foods after 7pm, and they tell me all about their arthritis, gout, ex-wives and problems with their grownup children. You go out to have some fun and you end up hearing some old guy's life story.
In MY experience, younger men are just fun. Dance, dance, dance--maybe a couple of shots (I don't drink) and their attention seems to be squarely on me. That's refreshing.
I like a good, hard f**k from time to time but older men just aren't interested. Younger men are fun, most express no interest in issues of the world...they just want to have fun.
I recently was the designated driver for my friend's birthday and we went to a bar called "Rock Tavern." Great sports bar in my town. I sat at the bar drinking water and watching everything from the baseball games, WNBA, and MMA. Younger men were impressed with my sports knowledge and my long blonde hair. We laughed, one asked me to dance and eventually we shot pool. I looked over at my friend and she didn't have the smile on her face like I did. She seemed bored with the gentleman sitting with her.
Okay. Some men like blondes, some like redheads--I happen to love younger men. The ones I PERSONALLY have been with ready to go and last a long time. They wouldn't let a jersey distract them from p***y. They have no trouble "getting it up" no little blue pills needed.
The basic difference I have found between older men and younger men is the former is just waiting to go home while the latter are trying to find a way to get YOU to their home! I relate more with younger men. They don't ask me medical questions when they find out I'm a critical care RN. Older men want to know why "this hurts" or "what's the best thing to treat, whatever."
Now nobody can fight age completely but we women have an entire industry devoted to keeping us young looking and repeat customers. I wish the same industry would create a 'male division."
Younger men are fun, free and frisky. Surprisingly, the younger men I meet have manners and can talk to a woman while looking her in the eye. Magic.
I'm like a man...when I see something attractive, I want to meet them. I want to dance with them and I don't want to pass up what MIGHT happen.
I understand that older men have seen it all, had their families and their careers. That brings them money, retirement and boredom. It's fine. These men are awesome. But I like younger men.
Societal norms have changed. Women now "check out and judge men initially by their looks." We aren't limited to a certain mindset when it comes to relationships. The worst relationship I've had lately has been with a 57 year old man.
As expected, he was a professional, hard working with no time to eat right and look better or any time for me. Sex was rare but the "sexting" was up to par. But sometimes a woman "wants it" too.
So younger men....thank you for your energy, your interest in sex, your carefree foolishness and your stamina.
Nothing compares to YOU!!!  

Monday, October 12, 2015

Almost Adultery

I used to wonder how a woman could consider "dating" a married man. A friend of mine used to only date married men because she claimed that "once they got away from their wives it was PARTY ON!" I could never understand it. But it all turned into a learning experience when "Rick" contacted me from 30 years ago!
My rules have always been: Never date a guy you have dated in the past. No married men. So right off the bat, "Rick" is disqualified. He's both. But I believe I know now how a woman could get caught up in a relationship with a married man.
Since May, "Rick" and I have had all kinds of conversations--unfortunately, they were predominantly sexual conversations. Oh! The things that man said he was going to do to me! Now "Rick" has over thirty years invested in his marriage. I figured he had experience, right? Isn't that what they say: Married men know how to talk to women. Ok. Ok. He's saying these things to me like, "I want to suck your breasts." (even though I am  surviving breast cancer after a double mastectomy!)
"Text me any time, Love."
"I want to fill your pussy full."
"I love you." etc.,
With all these things sent to you, I can sort of see how a woman can fall for that and look beyond the fact that "your man" is married. "Rick" called me initially. He asked me about the old days in college where he and I had sex literally everywhere. He seemed to have focused on the time he and I had sex in the stairwell of our dorm. In my mind, he must've been having marital problems or he wouldn't get in touch with me. I was on my guard.
Unfortunately, I have a horrible character flaw. I'm dependable. If you need me at work at 10a.m., I'll be there by 9:45a.m. If I say I'll be somewhere at a certain time, I'm there fifteen minutes early, "just in case something happens." This flaw carries over into my relationships with men. I can't play "hard to get" or all those games we women have been told to play to "catch" a man. Problem is--my dependability and interest in men--invalidates me as a person. So apparently, standing guys up; pretending to be busy so your man will wonder what you're doing and with whom is essential in a relationship. I can't do it--and that's why I'm single.
Started noticing that "Rick" didn't text me first anymore. After four months, I had unknowingly "been me." I was thoroughly interested in his past. He had been in the army and flown helicopters and I thought that is a fascinating aspect of his life. But we never got around to talking about it. We had phone sex or sex-text instead.
We made plans many times to see each other with promises of food and fun...neither happened. It reminded me of old episodes of soap operas where the guy was letting down his "other woman" easy because "You know I'm married." As it happens, being married is the ultimate commitment dodge. Let's be serious, being married IS the greatest loophole for a man!  "Hey, why did you get involved with me? I'm married."
Time went on and I found myself wishing to see him, texting him a "Hello, how are you doing?" ever so often. As a woman, he and I had been "talking" for over four months--we had a connection, right? Well, no. Women bond. Men don't. We think that if we "love him the right way--he'll leave her for me." Nope! What happens is we wait and wish.......
Then I realized "Rick" was becoming more of an inconsiderate, "I'll text you when I can." I had "done it again." I had been so genuinely interested in my friend from thirty years ago, answered his every call/text and been my usual dependable self. THEN...it happened. He stepped over the line.
As a woman there are things I simply will not tolerate. One is when you blatantly disrespect me and take me for granted. This is what slapped me back to reality.
"I think you need to get a job so you wouldn't text me so much." "Rick" texted.
So once again, I had made someone think they were the only man alive. That seems to be a lot easier to do with texts because the recipient is free to interpret your words as THEY want. So my dependability and being new to the "married man" deal had made him think I had no life. I am a breast cancer survivor, going back to the nursing field soon, while going to doctor's appointments but I never told him---and he never asked. Now......
I was so upset that "Rick" had literally told me to "get a job, so I wouldn't have so much time on my hands." That ended it. Instantly.
There is no way in Hell that I can ever text/take a call from "Rick" ever again. "Get a job"? Wow!!
Thank God we never had sex. I don't think I could've lived with myself if I had slept with "Rick." I certainly can't now. "Rick" used to make plans to see me but he would then either cancel at the last minute or just not text me at all. But when he did text "Old Faithful" would "understand about the cancelled plans" or just ignore the subject altogether. No problem.
It is over between "Rick" and me. I'm a bit ashamed. I am now DONE!
There is NO going back to a man who tells you to "Get a job so you won't have so much time on your hands to text"!!
Question: What is in me that people feel free to say such things to me?
First time he broke up with me he quoted James 1 verse 6 regarding the "double-minded man. This time it ended because he told me to "get a job"!