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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Saturday, December 26, 2015

A Small 'Year-in-Review' Rant

This year I decided to do the "2015 Confession" today instead of waiting til New Year's Eve. I need to do it now because...I might not remember them if I wait any longer.
I never thought of my breast cancer as "an experience." It was detected, found and removed--successfully. Even though the oncologist--a woman(!) assures me I am 'progressing nicely' as each day goes by....my last scan reveals that I must take the hormone treatments for 10years, not the 5 years I was "promised." As an RN, I know medicine is an evolving science with wonderful treatments for people with all kinds of diseases and ailments--subconsciously, I was counting on that 5 year limit. My Bad! Cancer's a bitch but then so am I!!
I never loved R**** at all. Sure, you were cute and at the time I had no boobs or hair or self-esteem. That's why I let you come see me in hospital. You WERE coming to see me. Then B****y put an immediate stop to those visits. I am still surprised you let her stop you from coming to see me--a breast cancer patient who posed no threat to you two as a couple. Nevertheless, you stopped visiting me.  Funny thing though-you two are no longer a couple...and I'm still alive!!
Don't believe the hype!! IN MY CASE--these pink ribbons and bracelets, keychains and hats are nothing more than merchandise. They can get you singled-out for some REALLY UNWANTED conversations from-mostly good-hearted people and those who simply want you to know THEY know you've got/fighting breast cancer. I was a target with a lovely pink bull's-eye on my head or wrist.
"It's easier to pull a man down than it is to raise him up." So?  I learned that lesson this past year.
Met at church. She lived in my neighborhood and from what I saw, was a pretty good person. But soon, I was running her to HER dr.'s appts and barely making mine! I tend to do that. I actually believe(d) that friends do for each other if and when they can.  Turns out, I had met an addict with absolutely no intentions whatsoever of ever being clean and sober. I found I was feeling badly about myself because I couldn't help her. Oh, she knew every food pantry in the area, how to get "around the system" and some sort of 'gov't money' that she used to do her buying. Couldn't rescue her. She was bringing me down!!
Except for my son and granddaughter, I have no family. "Aunt Lily" passed from lung cancer and "Paula" passed just before Christmas leaving a scattered bunch of cousins I've either never seen or want to see. Frankly, you readers rank 3rd in my heart because sometimes, when I've really been in pain, in the grasp of loneliness and yes-thinking of ending it...I go to you. "My Readers" is such a comforting thing for me during this particular holiday. Even if ONE person read my posts and HATED them, I'd be unable to feel alone. THANK YOU ALL!!
I have cried, screamed, yelled at God and thanked Him for giving me this experience. No, I do not think God gave me cancer. He made me the 'Enforcer' I used to be. I finally learned to take care of myself FIRST without thinking it was selfish to do so.
I swept away all those "fake friends" and raked in a few lovers who weren't repulsed by my scars, baldness or the various wigs I'd wear. They saw me.
You see me too. I reveal more to you because maybe someone somewhere will learn something from me.
Now let's have a KICK-ASS 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Women are Friends...Until a Man Walks in

Here on Christmas Eve, I'm told I no longer be friends with Cathey...are you ready for the reason??
Cathey has a kind and wonderful heart...God knows she's had her share of abusive relationships, loneliness and what have you. So I shouldn't have been surprised when it came down between Brad and me...and I was "unfriended" over the phone.
See, Cathey and I met at church. We (I thought) were working on a nice friendship when her ex-boyfriend's 34 year old son moved in with her. Now, as long as I supplied the car, money and even...the 'smoke' I was always welcome in her home.
"It's my home. You're my best friend...you're always welcome in my home." Then Brad moved himself and his latest girlfriend in on Cathey which suddenly made my friendship "unnecessary."
In fact, Brad blames me for not being able to keep this girlfriend living in his tiny bedroom.
First of all, that lie kept being repeated, "We're friends" he said, "we'll always be friends." Then his girlfriend told him she was going back to grandma's because I made her uncomfortable. Soooo?
Not only could I not believe he'd do me like this...why wouldn't he?
He's 34 years old, chooses not to learn to read or write, has no real job, a felon, has plenty of access to weed, travels from woman to woman to 'let' them take care of him but I just saw him as a guy. Looks like there were just too many queens in Cathey's beehive so she told me essentially our friendship had always been about a ride, money and companionship.
Since I have only one of the required elements needed to be her friend---I'm out.
She also told me that I had to stay away from her place because Brad might "go off" and destroy her home if we remain friends. She's cutting me out so Brad won't show off that 'evil temper' he tends to brag about and destroy her home.
All it does is confirm what a liar Cathey is. She doesn't want anyone coming between her prospective dick--even ME that girl that was 'always welcome' in her home. Yeah, we're friends alright---letting me give her a ride, letting me give her some money and smoke--we're groovy. No more.
I just can not believe that she is using fear to keep me way from "my 2nd home" because Brad might lose his temper.
This is all on me. I wanted Cathey to be my friend and she had me convinced I was. "Through thick and thin" she'd spew but I knew better...a little too late.
So, Brad's gf went home to Granny's supposedly because I made her uncomfortable, leaving Cathey so insecure and desperate to hang on to Brad that she'll not allow me in her home... I might just be competition. Wow! 
Her timing was excellent. Here it is Christmas Eve and I won't be getting any gifts from her or going to her Christmas dinner because of Brad. "I just can't have him being mad and tearing up my home" so I get the boot!
 I'll just hold onto her gift until "Big Bad Brad" isn't home.
Or forget them. Why not?  They were only too eager to get rid of me!!
Grandma always said, "Women are friends ...Until a man walks in."
You're right again, Grandmother. RIP

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Lost a Friend---Merry Christmas.

I knew it was just a matter of time before my "place" in the friendship would no longer be 'needed' Yesterday was that day.
We are driving down the road when 'Ben' announces that he is going to go "pick up an ex-girlfriend who just got into it with her husband and bringing her home". Wow! He's just decided to move somebody in without asking first. He doesn't have to "he's a man." He said nothing would change--well, it has.
There goes our morning ritual of coffee and a morning walk with the dogs.. He can't now...he's got to be with Ally. ALL THE TIME!
He was supposed to go to church with me but after declining my invitation yet going to HER church.
I know how this goes...suddenly no calls, no shopping and NO offers of a ride now that my car is torn up. I have hauled people everywhere but when I need something...they don't know me now that I have no car. The silence is deafening!
The latest is the complete transformation of Ben. He is really just a 34yr old country boy whose hobbies include getting high...and getting high again. Unfortunately, nobody ever really knew he smoked.
He goes from house to house taking up residence in the spare rooms "earning his keep" by cleaning and cooking. No monetary help just the handyman.
At one time we were friends. But I never thought our friendship would be broken because of the stray woman he has picked up! She's the latest in our group of pitiful people. "But I swear, nothing will change. Really?
Then why won't you speak to me? Why avoid me? It is as if he is completely taking over this woman's life and has no time for his friends."
Hurt. Cut deep. Why? Because I know I am now "Out of the Family" now.
Somebody might get the wrong idea--can't have that now, can we?
I really hate to admit this but I'd give anything for a man to call me "Baby" "Sweetie" or some other term of endearment but 'tis not to be.
What breaks my heart is that this is like high school. A guy claims a girl and she's his. Done with her? Move on "it's not like she has feelings."
Well, I have feelings of anger, betrayal and shock.
The night before she arrived, Ben assured me that his other friendships would not interfere with "us."
First thing: He never came for coffee like he said he would and I'm just supposed to understand.
I certainly am jealous. I would LOVE to be in a married relationship like this girl is and know that if things get rough, she can always run to Brian.
That means no contact with females while she is there. The silence is deafening in my friend's house. She's now got 3 dogs, and two strays...the people.
I have been bumped down to "acquaintance friend."  He has to spend his time with her!
But he told me to my face that nothing would ever change our friendship. BOY!! Did he get that wrong. He won't even call my name. He completely ignores me.  Some friend!
Oh, this Christmas is shaping up to be a DANDY!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The Ballcap Incident

In all my years of "Redneckery" I have never heard that ballcaps are sacred and NEVER to be touched. Unfortunately, I found this out completely by accident.

A couple of friends and I were talking when a little bit of good-natured teasing began. You know how it goes...You start ragging on someone and it's fun but sooner or later somebody does something wrong and all the humor stops.
Rob and I were joking with each other. He then started poking at me and relentlessly teasing me when I did the only thing I knew to do...I knocked his ballcap off his head.
"Stop that," he said. So what did I do? RIGHT. I knocked it off his head again! What? He gets to poke and push me (gently) but I can't retaliate?
I did not know the sacredness of the ballcap. The second time his cap came off, he was actually upset!! Dish it out but can't take it?
In a huff, he left and the silence in the room was deafening. There was even a hint of 'impending doom.' This immediately ended the fun and I was unaware of the treason I had just committed.
The next day my friend Gale took me aside and said, "You need to stop knocking caps off guys heads, One said he'd "KNOCK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU" if you ever touched his cap again!"
I've only knocked a cap off two guys so the "list of suspects" was small. Oh Hell, I knew it was Rob. 
Initially, I thought Gale was joking. What MAN is gonna knock "it" out of a woman if she knocks his cap off his head? He was ragging at me pretty hard and when he started shaking me, I did the only thing I knew to do...knock the guy's cap off his head.
So I decided that I'd apologize to Rob because I most certainly did NOT mean to break the rule that states "a woman must never knock the ballcap off a man's head."
Two days later, I had done a little 'herb shopping' and wanted to share a bit. As I go to Gale's, I see Rob helping some guy move a couch. So I pull up, get out of the car and walk up to Rob to apologize to the man for knocking his ballcap off his head TWICE. But he wanted nothing to do with me!
"Rob, I want to apologize for..." I said but he started walking away from me--mad!! OMG!!
"But I just wanted to apologize. I didn't know the rules about the ballcap." He'd have none of it!
"No, no, no. Don't want to talk to you." he said.
About 15mins later, Gale and I are "partaking of the herb" when in walks Rob! He just sat right down on the couch with us. This struck me funny. A few mins ago, I was literally chasing this guy to issue an apology only to be rebuffed and yet......
"So Rob," I began. "you won't accept my apology but you'll accept my w**d?"
Stunned silence....................SCORE!!!
Suddenly, he began to spew apology after apology for how he acted when I tried to settle this crap. "I didn't mean to act like that towards you......" I just blocked out the rest. Bottom line was he'd been "wronged" and his pride had been hurt so it was too late for apologies. The damage had been done...

until he saw an opportunity to "get high with a little help from his friends."

Earns me a 'tip of the cap,' wouldn't you say? LOL!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Oh, the Things You Overhear about Yourself from Friends!!

Broken hearted and a bit bewildered by what I overheard a "friend" say about me. I've been friends with a guy who is trying to get his life back together. He's employed, no children though decent looking, he's got a big ego. He is sharing an apartment with---now get this--the woman his father nearly married. The woman--"Cat" is also down on her luck but she's taking action to lift her out of her current "crisis."
We were at the guy's father's home and I was reclining in a chair just out of his sight. Now, the guy is talking to his sister...unfortunately, they were on speaker phone and I hear this:
"Oh, I love J***** with all my heart,"
Sister: "What about that 'new one'?" meaning me.
He replies, "Oh THAT? That is just a friend with benefits."
I heard all of this and realized that "he" was trying to get a message to "J*****" that he had already replaced her with me. Unfortunately, I do NOT provide "benefits" and resented the implication. Until that very moment, I thought the guy and I were actual friends. Platonic friends. But a real friend doesn't insert your name into a conversation about an ex-lover to incite jealousy.
I sat straight up and was furious. How could he do that? Well, at least I knew where I stood now. I was being promoted as a sometime lover...ICK!!
Nothing hurts like betrayal. When I catch someone "showing me who they really are" I believe them. Dr. Maya Angelou knew this and taught this to all of us. (RIP Dr. Maya.)
I knew I could not let another moment go by without a confrontation. So when the telephone conversation with his sister ended, I tried to take him aside and ask him why he'd said what he said.
Funny thing about confronting a friend...they do not want to admit their mistakes so it didn't surprise me that he tried to avoid me but I certainly didn't expect him to start crying!
He'd been caught telling his sister how he really viewed me, hurt my feelings and yet never expected that he might be overheard OR have to explain his actions. But I was angry about being thought of as a "THAT" and a "friend with benefits." The former didn't even dignify me as a person...I got a THAT! The latter implied a sexual relationship between he and I...(again) ICK!!
When the tears didn't effect me as he'd anticipated, he pulled out the old "I'm just going to kill myself over this" routine.
"Ill just kill myself." he said.
"Sounds like a good idea to me." I said. "I certainly have no use for you anyway." I replied. Cruel? Not in this case.
I did learn a lesson in friendship between a man and a woman. To find out how they really feel about you, find out what they say about you when speaking to their close family i.e. a sister. and you'll get the truth. ...and the "truth will make you free."
I'm free off this "friendship."
With friends like that.......well, you know the rest!

Profiled at the Walgreens

Yesterday my son Blake and I stopped into a local Walgreens. I wanted a new sewing kit and Blake just wanted to look around. I'd picked him up from work so he was a bit tired so was "just looking."
As I am standing at the counter to pay for the sewing kit, an elderly man was in front of me paying for his merchandise. While waiting, I saw Blake leave the store. Apparently, that clerk had seen Blake leave too because he leaned over to the elderly gentleman and said quote, "You see that guy that just left? He probably stole something." unquote.
I heard this and asked, "Are you talking about my son?"
A little stunned he said, "Well, yes. Young guys like that come in and don't buy anything but leave with their hands in their pockets usually steal."
"Well, if you think my son shoplifted let's get him back in here and you can check him."
"No, no" he said, "I was just talking to that gentleman."
"Yes, and giving him the idea that because my son had his hands in his pockets...he's automatically a shoplifter!"
I couldn't believe my son--and probably me--were being profiled.
Blake is a tall guy with short hair, blue eyes and a certain red "hue" about him that actually confirms him as a Native American. Yesterday, Blake had just gotten off work with nowhere to change from his suit to regular clothes. Admittedly, his suit is black and so are his shoes. He stood out.
I understand that stores have issues with shoplifting and customer service. Maybe profiling helps.They have to be careful and protect the store while treating customers with excellent service . But for a clerk to "decide" my son was a shoplifter because he was in black and had his hands in his pockets was too much.
I certainly learned a lesson--if you are a young man and walk into a store, please don't have your hands in your pockets. Really?