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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Monday, October 19, 2015

My "Pity Party" or Crappy Monday

I am currently going thru the last stages of my breast cancer. I have been told I have to go 5 years to be considered cured...well, BlogSpot family....why should I bother?
I live by myself. Nobody ever comes to visit me BUT they call when they need a trip to wherever the fuck they need to go FULLY EXPECTING me to do, buy, take them some place or whatever!
OK. This is hard for me to admit but I have very little money and even less food for the time being. Sure, my medications cost a lot of money and I need a little bit of help for the time being but NOBODY in my family seems to know I'm even alive until they need m car.
SOMETIMES, I'd like for SOMEBODY to say, "Hey, how u doing? Need anything?"
I have been going to a church that is Baptist AND in support of the LGBT community. It is a positive and friendly place. It is an actual praising church. I've seen them send kids to camp, pay on some folks medical bills...you name it. So...even though I would've rather taken a bullet than ask but the pastor of the church DID say the deadliest thing he could say to me. He said, "If u ever need anything, let me know."  The problem is I tend to believe people. So I took a little piece of paper and wrote, "Pastor, is there any way you could buy me a pack of bologna?...."
GOD why in all of Hell did I send him that note? NOW not only does he know I have very little food FOR NOW...I admitted it myself!
I was told by my oncologist that love and support is important for all cancer patients and with my family...I'm better off dead. I cannot believe the comedown my life is experiencing. I had everything I needed to get my RN license back and career choices that weren't available the last time I worked as an RN. But instead of sending all that to the nursing board, I stopped by my house for some reason that still escapes me, turned on my local news and was 'reminded' to do my monthly breast exam. Well, I did and now the rest I guess is history. Stage three invasive breast cancer, immediate double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and now hormones.
Today really broke my heart. I have this 'friend' who insisted I take her new man to the Social Security office in town so at age 36 can apply for disability for being illiterate. Yep, this guy is 36 years old and not only cannot read or write--has no desire to learn. Just "get me a check," I guess.
Then I had to take my grown son to his office because "why get a car when Mom will take me?"
Look everyone, I am about at the end of it. I try to tell myself that God is allowing this to prepare me for something in the future. "Keep your head up!" "Prayer changes things." "Ask for help when you need it!" Why? When you can't get a pastor--who said "let me know if u need anything"--to buy u a package of bologna...you are pretty well screwed.
It gets hard sometimes constantly having to pull myself up by my bra straps.
I get tired. I get sick. Unfortunately, I'm truly all I got!!
I know. I know. I should have some cheese with all this "whining" I'm doing but today was awful. Yes, I understand that no matter w!hat I go through, Jesus Christ went through worse...and even though I am a child of God, I'm not THAT one! I'm just a human. Nobody I know realizes it. But I know YOU do.

Thank You Readers!!


  1. Dyane, you hang in there - the deeper the valley the higher the peak. Surely there are food banks in your area that will assist you during this tough time.

  2. Hey, how are you doing? Do you need anything?

    1. Thank you. Very, very thoughtful of you! Acknowledgement from someone else works miracles!!

  3. Dyane, is there a place tangible things could be sent to you without revealing your residential address?

  4. Two packs of bologna have already gone bad - just kidding.
    I hope you are doing better, and have had a good Thanksgiving.

  5. I am working on getting an address for you. I'll let you know ASAP. Had an "episode" last week but I'm doing fine now.

    1. Good to hear from you. It had been a long while. Hang in there, and do the best with what you've got. (That's what all of us are doing - even if it doesn't look that way, sometimes.)

  6. If you'll give me your first name....u can get in touch with me at:

    220 Monday rd
    P.O.Box 6
    Corryton, TN 37721

    Got this P.O. box esp for you! Merry Christmas!