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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Pedophile in the Pews

Like nearly every Sunday morning, I'm getting ready to go to Sunday School/Church. I like my church, it's a 'praising church' and the pastor is awesome. I got in my car and prepped to drive the couple of miles it takes to get to my church. On that empty road just ahead of me was Bob a.k.a. "Bicycle Bob" the local child molester. The police told our neighborhood watch that Bob was a convicted child molester who was moving in around our area and we had a right to know this. I also knew the victim and his family.
There was Bob on the same empty road as me, peddling that red bicycle of his. It did flash through my mind, 'I could run him off the road. Nobody would see me do it and his body wouldn't be found for days.' Yes, I was having murderous thought on my way to church. My personal belief is that these monsters never can be cured so the less of them there are, the better. Needless to say, I passed old Bob and I went to Sunday School.
After Sunday School, we all went up to the sanctuary for the sermon. I took my usual seat in the middle. I put my stuff away in my purse, took out my Bible and was ready for our 'lesson.' But when I looked up...there sat Bob! Third row center. Right in my field of vision.
Steve Harvey has a standup comedy special called, "Don't Trip...God Ain't Through with Me Yet." HE also is far from through with me because I sat there in stunned disbelief that "Bicycle Bob" was in MY church. There was a convicted child molester in God's House! Surely, I'm not the only one in here that knows Bob or at least "about Bob." Then I thought, 'he does have the right to worship anywhere he pleases, right?' His presence really is 'none of my business, right?' 'I'm supposed to be a Christian, right?' 'Love the sinner, hate the sin, right?" "Cast the first stone and all that, right?" Sorry, God ain't through with me either! If I had had a stone, I would've hurled it directly at "Bicycle Bob"!
I could feel my heartbeat in my carotid arteries as I stared at the back of Bob's head. 'He must be wanting to start coming here before Bible School starts so he can pick another little boy to groom then violate, I thought. That's a horrible thing to think! But that IS what he did before according to the policeman who met us at our neighborhood community building all those weeks ago.
I then fixed my eyes on the pastor as he delivered his sermon but I didn't hear a single word. The thoughts in my head kept drowning him out. Here's a sample:
'Somebody in authority should know about Bob. He's served his time. Maybe this is the only place he can go. Are there any children on the same pew with him? Is he trying to get some "credit by association" sitting in the Dean family's pew? Is he thinking we'll think he must be okay cause he's sitting 'with' Mr. & Mrs. Dean? I'm not Christian enough to even get around this guy. I can't be the only one here that knows Bob's history, can I? Sure I can. What if I didn't tell anyone and something happened? Oh, he'll probably only attend once or twice. He's not going to make MY church HIS church! Wait, I can't think that way...."
In the closing of church, our pastor asked us all to stand, join hands and make our "family circle." No problem. But when I finally got in position, Bob was standing directly across from me in his. "God," I said to myself, "just my luck he's standing across from me. OMG, he's holding Mrs. Pyle's hand. Bet that old woman would be upset if she knew whose hand she's holding!"
Church dismissed and I made a beeline to a longtime friend who is a deacon and asked him if he knew, "about Bob." He said he and a few others knew 'about Bob' and chose to believe his attendance was out of his need for God. "I hope so." I said. I was relieved. I also learned a lot about myself and judgment that day. I still have a long way to go to be a real Christian but thank God, He ain't through with me yet.
BTW...Bob hasn't been back to MY church since.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Crisis of Faith #1 Maybe Not ALL Are Welcome

I enjoy going to church. My church especially. It is a "praising" church with the motto of come as you are. Pretty cool. Anything from blue jeans to dresses and hats are welcomed and praise is the sermon.
Two Sundays ago, I was on my way to my church when I felt that left rear blow. Instead of being discouraged, I found it pretty fortunate that I was able to limp into the parking lot of my Aunt Pat's church. Well, I thought, I've always wanted to visit this church...what better time?! So I called a friend of mine to let him know that I'd be calling him after services and I'd need him to fix my flat tire. I had the money, he had a spare so we were in business!
After the call, I put my phone on vibrate, put my Bible in my MK bag and got out of the car. But suddenly, there stood a well dressed man in his 40's or 50's standing at my back bumper. "What are you doing here?" he asked. Even though I was startled I told him about the flat.
"You got somebody to come get you?" he asked.
"Well, yes, sir. I've always wanted to visit this church so I thought I'd attend and then call my friend to change the tire." He didn't seem too happy with my answer.
I was trying to figure out why I seemed to be intruding on this church and parking lot. I was well-dressed for church. I was modestly dressed, toned the makeup and was even wearing flats so I wouldn't be nearly 5'10" I am in heels. I was carrying a well-known purse so I didn't get this guy's "drift" I suppose.
I was fortunate enough to have been able to park perfectly in the first available one in the lot and wasn't blocking anyone but when I took a step forward towards the church...he got in front of me! He looked as if he was blocking my way into the church! What was happening?
I really felt strange. I never thought someone would try to prevent me from going in a church but it certainly seemed to be happening!
Then I did something I hate to do. But in this situation, it was worth a shot so I said, "My Aunt Pat Thompson goes to this church so I thought I would visit." The change that came over that man was predictable yet disappointing. He broke out in a smile, extended his hand and shook mine. I had actually said the "secret word" so suddenly I was welcomed.
This went against everything I had ever been taught. Everyone one is welcome in a church, right? My car might not be straight from the showroom floor but it was decent and I had someone coiming to fix the flat. What was his problem?
I think what stunned me the most is the feeling of having to meet some unspoken criteria before I'd be let in the building. Well, with this man's "approval" I started towards the sanctuary. Unbeknownst to me, a very nice red-haired woman had been watching this entire exchange and when I got close enough to her, she held out her hand, introduced herself and she accompanied me inside and sat beside me.
The church had quite a few of my long-lost relatives including the pastor. He recognized me, called me by name and welcomed me and I proceeded to have a wonderful service. There is very little sermon but lots of singing and praying. Yes, I did she my aunt who also ended up sitting with me. In and out in an hour. Beautiful service. Unfortunately, I was still thinking I'd probably not been allowed in if I hadn't "dropped" Pat's name.
After service, a friend had been by, fixed my flat and I rode home as if nothing unusual had happened. But it had occurred. For the first time I felt unwelcomed in a House of God. I've always heard of people going into the neighborhood to get people to come to church...not to "screen" anyone trying to attend. But of course, this would happen to me!! God Bless!!

A Hard Lesson to Learn During Thanksgiving

I love my 1997 Ford Taurus GL and like most cars, they have trouble from time to time. The first estimate I got for the "minor repair" was $2700.00! Yeah, right. So I decided to go to the manager of my complex Tony, to see if he had anyone he could recommend. "Ed" would be coming to my home to fix what ever was wrong because, " he fixes my cars." The manager said. Then he added, "look, Ed is sixty-two years old and he lives in his van. He parks in a vacant lot over in M'vill but he's nothing to worry about. He just needs a break." I thought if Tony knows him, he must be okay. Who cares if he is homeless and lives in a van? He's probably needing money around this time of year anyway sooo.
Ed drives up in his van, complete with dog and pulled out a series of tools to rival NASCAR. The deal was I buy the parts and I pay a set fee of $100.00 for time and trouble. No problem. Unfortunately, the more work he did, the more another problem began to surface.
Little by little, Ed began making rather inappropriate comments. "G*damn, you're a good-looking lady.""Anybody ever tell you, you got a great ass?" I ignored all his comments. Then he started bringing beer to the house. I don't mind beer, I just didn't want to think this man would drink, get drunk and then leave my house and have an accident. So I asked him not to bring it anymore. "No prob." he said. "You some sort of 'Christian?"
"You know, when I get this car fixed, you won't want to see me anymore." he said.
"But you're here because Tony recommended you and I'm paying you."
"Now you sound like you want to get rid of me."
"I just want my car fixed."
There were three consecutive days he came over, didn't even look at the car but brought in his guitar to show off his musical abilities. Now the man can play! No question about that but I wasn't paying to be sung to when my car needed to be completely fixed. "Maybe you'll let me take you to Gatlinburg sometime?" he asked.
"No thanks." I said. On those three days, he said he couldn't look at the car because "the time has changed, dark comes faster and my van don't have headlights". I was beginning to get nervous.
Then I really stepped in it. He was working on the car, came in to wash his hands and he smelled so badly that it took my breath away.  I didn't want to embarrass him so I said, "I'm going to be doing some wash soon, let me have that coat and I'll wash it for you." So I did. The next day when my son had come by to visit, Ed asked if he could take a shower. So I let him. I thought I was being nice and helpful because the smell wasn't just the man's coat...it was him. My son left after Ed did so, no big deal.
It got so bad that when the transmission leak was fixed, other things like unexplained flat tires and "extra examinations" of completed work had to be done by Ed. I told Tony who just told me to call the law but I didn't. I finished paying the guy and sent him on his way. But then he started calling and calling to the point where I stopped answering my phone. The he sent a text that read, "So much for you being a Christian lady. After everything I've done you just don't have anything else to say? I don't know what I did but you got some nerve being a backstabber, thief and a liar. Be sure to go to church on Wed and Sunday so you can keep on fooling those people." He wrote worse things but I never respond.
As usual, the police are no help at all and when I explained that I am all alone in my home and am still receiving breast cancer treatment their reply was, "And you thought this was important enough to notify us?"
Once again, I suffered from car trouble but THIS time it was the MECHANIC.
It hurts me to say this but I am beginning to understand some of the reluctance people have in hiring homeless men...especially when you can't trust a "trusted friend" to send you a good mechanic who maybe down on their luck.
I've told everyone I'm 'supposed' to tell when alone and some crazy man bothers you but looks like as usual it's fallen on deaf ears. BUT AT LEAST YOU ALL KNOW.  Thanks for reading!
                                             Happy Thanksgiving and May God Bless Us All

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Election 2016 You MUST Vote

This election has been the dirtiest and most obnoxious thing I've seen in my life. "Info-tainment" has replaced facts and serious discussions of the issues. I watched each convention and was horrified to see the difference between the DNC and the RNC. The DNC seemed to have more positive messages and unity while the RNC was backing a self-centered celebrity who claimed...in that famous "Jesus pose" he alone was the only one who could "make America Great Again."
In my area of the country , it is pro-Republican no matter who the candidate is. How can they do that? Speaker Paul Ryan has declared that he voted for Donald Trump after refusing to support him when Mr. Trump became the nominee. Others here, too are voting for Trump simply because he's a Republican nominee. To me, that is like voting for Obama just because he's black or Mrs. Clinton just because she is a woman.
In reality, voting just because of the above stated reasons are perfectly understandable because voters want someone "like them." But those in this area have absolutely nothing in common with Mr. Trump except their fear of immigrants "stealing their jobs" and the hope that since Trump is a billionaire, they will share in the piece of the pie.
For the past few weeks, I have refused to watch any news or so-called "news." What peace it brought to me. I didn't have to hear about emails, scandals, sexual assaults and hatred. I did watch the debates but after that I found comfort in channels showing old John Wayne movies and sports.
Three generations of us went to our local courthouse to vote early. This is my son's first election for POTUS and he takes it very seriously. So my mother, my son and I early voted. Nana said that she never imagined that one day she'd have the opportunity to vote for a woman for POTUS. What I've come to realize is that candidates must relate to voters whether they do it by promising walls, deportations, health care and equal pay for equal work.
None of us discussed who our votes were going to but we did discuss the disgraceful media coverage and the resurgent of the words "c**t' and 'p***y." We also commented on the debates and how the mediators didn't seem to be able to control those events. Nothing is worse than interruption after interruption, personal attacks and threatening to put your opposition in jail.
I have to admit that I am scared. Tuesday will be one of the most important days in our history. There seems to be just a hint of the "pendulum" swinging slowly backwards. Would we go backwards if we elect Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton? As a woman, what will I lose and gain if Trump wins or Clinton wins?
I remember a quote by George W. Bush said during his campaign against Mr. Kerry. He said, "Do you vote for the Devil you know OR the Devil you don't know?" Of course, he won because we didn't know what to expect had Bush lost his second term. That quote has stuck with me.
VOTE! No matter how you vote, VOTE. It is essential THIS year. Even though the real issues seemed to been put on the back burner, VOTE!!
VOTE! Have YOUR say! VOTE your conscience. Our world is in trouble and WE THE PEOPLE are the only ones that can bring this foolishness to a halt!

God Bless America!  VOTE!

Monday, October 3, 2016

Breast Cancer...The Aftermath...and a Bit of "Cyber-begging"

Nobody tells you about the loneliness and suffering you do when your head hits the pillow at night. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer with lymph node involvement. 5 of six nodes were removed. Then, as past readers will recall, I had 18 rounds of chemotherapy and 33 doses of radiation. Apparently, that is the basic regiment of treatment. I went thru it all essentially alone. My family situation basically consists of my son, his baby mama and all her drama. Unfortunately, she commandeers most of his time--especially when it comes to me.
I am alone most of the time. That's why you readers are so valuable to me.  I'm here. You're there...wherever that may be. That alone is a comfort.
Since it is October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I have to admit it is bittersweet. I brought it all on myself regarding getting help. I'm the strong one, right? I'm the one everyone else comes to when the crap hits the fan. Unfortunately, I gave folks the wrong impression.
Once your routine care is complete, you are basically left on your own to deal with the meds, the schedules and the money involved in your "aftercare." That is where I am now.
I have gotten all kinds of magazines that help me "adjust" to my new life. New life? I'm still the same woman with the same wants and needs she had before. Contrary to most of my "friends" and what they think, I need encouragement at times. I am grateful for my survival of this horrible disease but...now what? I'll tell you what.....

Every now and then, think of me and send a prayer my way. You can be my cyber family. I realize that I am whining and feeling sorry for myself but I found out that I am human. How bout that? I cry. Don't tell anybody. Ok?

I am a breast cancer survivor who would be honored to receive a postcard or letter from anyone reading this. I miss the days of pen pals. Anyone remember pen pals?. I guess technology pretty much eliminated the need for handwritten notes and letters. This was why a reader I can only call "Muse" sent me an entire collection of Bill Bryson books such as A Walk In the Woods and made life easier to endure. So, if you find the time and would like to "support" a breast cancer survivor with a note of encouragement or a postcard, the address is:

Dyane Lody
220 Monday Rd.
# 6
Corryton, TN 37721

Thank you for indulging me. I have missed blogging and getting strength from the fact that I am NOT alone because of YOU!!!

God Bless

Monday, September 19, 2016

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!!! FINALLY!!

Damn, you don't know what it's been like to have so much stuff on your mind, advice to give away and be completely locked out and kept away from YOU!!!   I know it's not "good form" to give my readers any updates but...just between you and me? I've not been doing too well...or too badly if I'm being honest!
Health-wise, I am still in remission from breast cancer (applause! applause!) my oncologist has decided to move with her family to California (sniff! sniff!) I'm doing great (applause! applause!) but I did break my left knee in June (f**k! f**k!) .....but I'm much better now!

The problem really began when I started...or thought I had...started having troubles with my good friend 'computer' here. Then like millions of men...and some ladies, too but for right now, I'm picking on the boys....I decided to trade my 'old girl' for a 'new girl.'  Oh come on, you how it is. You take what you got for granted, seeing every little fault that never bothered you before and then you get dazzled by the "new and improved," "younger and softer," "easier to deal with," model...can't get her out of your mind so you sneak out and get next to that new fine piece of machinery--while your old companion is "getting some work done"!

You don't even bother to check on your old girl because your new toy is showing you things the other one just "wasn't equip" to handle. You never dreamed certain things were even possible! Wow! Welcome to the Land of...........

Wait. Wait. I kinda, sorta miss being with my old computer/companion. I mean, 'she' was my first and 'she' introduced me to "personal" computers and "she" showed me how to BLOG!!  What had I done?????

I dumped that new model, went back to my first love who by the way, didn't need anything major done at all! I was sooooooooo happy to be reunited!!!  All was right in the world again and all was forgiven.  


For "running around with another computer," it has taken me nearly the entire summer to get back to you and my readers...if I still have any. My old computer had me pressing this button, going to this site, that site, screaming, crying, begging forgiveness--the whole bit and JUST when I was ready to accept that things would never be the same again "She" forgave me; revealed the things I needed to know and put me back in touch with you readers like an adulterous hubby returning to his wife and "kids."      Thank God!!

Just in time too, have you guys seen who they've gotten to run for PRESIDENT this election year??

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Fractured Life...at the Moment

Last week, I did something only I could do. I broke my left knee. I sort of "saw it coming" because I knew it was not good form to sit with my left leg under my butt while watching TV. Oh, but it was so comfortable... Anyway, little by little, I started feeling pains in my left leg and I knew. Big deal. Give it a couple of rubs of  whatever is the big selling analgesic and I'll be fine.
A couple of days later, the pain got worse so I thought I'd just turn off the TV and go to bed. I got up from my chair and took one step with my left leg and heard/felt the biggest "POP" ever! I immediately couldn't use my left leg and slithered back towards my chair. I saw my cell phone about two feet beyond my reach and managed to throw my belt at it and slowly bring my phone to me. I know, I know...at this moment I'm thinking "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" but like those people on TV, I didn't have anyone to yell to either!
Thankfully, I was able to call my next door neighbor Jessica. She's been friendly to me ever since she moved in and I was hoping she wasn't going to mind the incredible imposition I was about to try and hand her. I called her and before I could even get the words completely out of my mouth, she was standing in my living room--still on her phone with me!!
She rushed me to a local ER where they did x-rays but couldn't tell me what they showed. What? All they really did was give me an immobilizer for my leg, told me to keep it iced and gave me the number of "some wonderful orthopedic surgeons."  In the "old days" a person with broken bones were kept in the ER for hours waiting for the orthopedic doctor to get there, prep one or surgery and take care of business. Not now!
I was graciously escorted outside via wheelchair to wait for Jessica to pull up to the patient pick-up so I could go back home. Oh yeah, I got a nifty pair of crutches as another parting gift! On the way home, I realized that I as probably in more danger at home with this fracture than I was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd have to learn how to walk on crutches, maneuver around my messy home and do all of the activities of daily living all by myself. Well, now I have a friend who is willing to help me...Jessica.
Once again, all my plans are at a standstill. Can't go to church, couldn't go to Bible school, can't go to yoga classes, can't do my volunteer work...none of it!! I have to be careful, follow orders and hope I get "back to normal" in less than the four to six weeks they tell me it will take.
I'll tell you one thing, this FOMO thing I keep hearing about...is starting to become real to me. I never really took my life for granted but I'm certainly missing stuff now!
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad. It certainly could've been worse and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have a friend that will drop nearly everything to come to the aid of not only me but others. Jessica is a rarity.
But I'll be fine as long as I stay out of my own way, do what I'm told and have plenty of books to read! I was hoping to put on my dancing shoes July 1st--my birthday--but I guess I'll just have sit and "put my crutches in the air...and wave 'em like I just don't care"! Gotta find some humor in this, right?
So instead of saying "Have a great day," in honor of this past weeks' Tony Awards, I'll just say "break a leg!" I DID!!!