Like nearly every Sunday morning, I'm getting ready to go to Sunday School/Church. I like my church, it's a 'praising church' and the pastor is awesome. I got in my car and prepped to drive the couple of miles it takes to get to my church. On that empty road just ahead of me was Bob a.k.a. "Bicycle Bob" the local child molester. The police told our neighborhood watch that Bob was a convicted child molester who was moving in around our area and we had a right to know this. I also knew the victim and his family.
There was Bob on the same empty road as me, peddling that red bicycle of his. It did flash through my mind, 'I could run him off the road. Nobody would see me do it and his body wouldn't be found for days.' Yes, I was having murderous thought on my way to church. My personal belief is that these monsters never can be cured so the less of them there are, the better. Needless to say, I passed old Bob and I went to Sunday School.
After Sunday School, we all went up to the sanctuary for the sermon. I took my usual seat in the middle. I put my stuff away in my purse, took out my Bible and was ready for our 'lesson.' But when I looked up...there sat Bob! Third row center. Right in my field of vision.
Steve Harvey has a standup comedy special called, "Don't Trip...God Ain't Through with Me Yet." HE also is far from through with me because I sat there in stunned disbelief that "Bicycle Bob" was in MY church. There was a convicted child molester in God's House! Surely, I'm not the only one in here that knows Bob or at least "about Bob." Then I thought, 'he does have the right to worship anywhere he pleases, right?' His presence really is 'none of my business, right?' 'I'm supposed to be a Christian, right?' 'Love the sinner, hate the sin, right?" "Cast the first stone and all that, right?" Sorry, God ain't through with me either! If I had had a stone, I would've hurled it directly at "Bicycle Bob"!
I could feel my heartbeat in my carotid arteries as I stared at the back of Bob's head. 'He must be wanting to start coming here before Bible School starts so he can pick another little boy to groom then violate, I thought. That's a horrible thing to think! But that IS what he did before according to the policeman who met us at our neighborhood community building all those weeks ago.
I then fixed my eyes on the pastor as he delivered his sermon but I didn't hear a single word. The thoughts in my head kept drowning him out. Here's a sample:
'Somebody in authority should know about Bob. He's served his time. Maybe this is the only place he can go. Are there any children on the same pew with him? Is he trying to get some "credit by association" sitting in the Dean family's pew? Is he thinking we'll think he must be okay cause he's sitting 'with' Mr. & Mrs. Dean? I'm not Christian enough to even get around this guy. I can't be the only one here that knows Bob's history, can I? Sure I can. What if I didn't tell anyone and something happened? Oh, he'll probably only attend once or twice. He's not going to make MY church HIS church! Wait, I can't think that way...."
In the closing of church, our pastor asked us all to stand, join hands and make our "family circle." No problem. But when I finally got in position, Bob was standing directly across from me in his. "God," I said to myself, "just my luck he's standing across from me. OMG, he's holding Mrs. Pyle's hand. Bet that old woman would be upset if she knew whose hand she's holding!"
Church dismissed and I made a beeline to a longtime friend who is a deacon and asked him if he knew, "about Bob." He said he and a few others knew 'about Bob' and chose to believe his attendance was out of his need for God. "I hope so." I said. I was relieved. I also learned a lot about myself and judgment that day. I still have a long way to go to be a real Christian but thank God, He ain't through with me yet.
BTW...Bob hasn't been back to MY church since.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Crisis of Faith #1 Maybe Not ALL Are Welcome
I enjoy going to church. My church especially. It is a "praising" church with the motto of come as you are. Pretty cool. Anything from blue jeans to dresses and hats are welcomed and praise is the sermon.
Two Sundays ago, I was on my way to my church when I felt that left rear blow. Instead of being discouraged, I found it pretty fortunate that I was able to limp into the parking lot of my Aunt Pat's church. Well, I thought, I've always wanted to visit this church...what better time?! So I called a friend of mine to let him know that I'd be calling him after services and I'd need him to fix my flat tire. I had the money, he had a spare so we were in business!
After the call, I put my phone on vibrate, put my Bible in my MK bag and got out of the car. But suddenly, there stood a well dressed man in his 40's or 50's standing at my back bumper. "What are you doing here?" he asked. Even though I was startled I told him about the flat.
"You got somebody to come get you?" he asked.
"Well, yes, sir. I've always wanted to visit this church so I thought I'd attend and then call my friend to change the tire." He didn't seem too happy with my answer.
I was trying to figure out why I seemed to be intruding on this church and parking lot. I was well-dressed for church. I was modestly dressed, toned the makeup and was even wearing flats so I wouldn't be nearly 5'10" I am in heels. I was carrying a well-known purse so I didn't get this guy's "drift" I suppose.
I was fortunate enough to have been able to park perfectly in the first available one in the lot and wasn't blocking anyone but when I took a step forward towards the church...he got in front of me! He looked as if he was blocking my way into the church! What was happening?
I really felt strange. I never thought someone would try to prevent me from going in a church but it certainly seemed to be happening!
Then I did something I hate to do. But in this situation, it was worth a shot so I said, "My Aunt Pat Thompson goes to this church so I thought I would visit." The change that came over that man was predictable yet disappointing. He broke out in a smile, extended his hand and shook mine. I had actually said the "secret word" so suddenly I was welcomed.
This went against everything I had ever been taught. Everyone one is welcome in a church, right? My car might not be straight from the showroom floor but it was decent and I had someone coiming to fix the flat. What was his problem?
I think what stunned me the most is the feeling of having to meet some unspoken criteria before I'd be let in the building. Well, with this man's "approval" I started towards the sanctuary. Unbeknownst to me, a very nice red-haired woman had been watching this entire exchange and when I got close enough to her, she held out her hand, introduced herself and she accompanied me inside and sat beside me.
The church had quite a few of my long-lost relatives including the pastor. He recognized me, called me by name and welcomed me and I proceeded to have a wonderful service. There is very little sermon but lots of singing and praying. Yes, I did she my aunt who also ended up sitting with me. In and out in an hour. Beautiful service. Unfortunately, I was still thinking I'd probably not been allowed in if I hadn't "dropped" Pat's name.
After service, a friend had been by, fixed my flat and I rode home as if nothing unusual had happened. But it had occurred. For the first time I felt unwelcomed in a House of God. I've always heard of people going into the neighborhood to get people to come to church...not to "screen" anyone trying to attend. But of course, this would happen to me!! God Bless!!
Two Sundays ago, I was on my way to my church when I felt that left rear blow. Instead of being discouraged, I found it pretty fortunate that I was able to limp into the parking lot of my Aunt Pat's church. Well, I thought, I've always wanted to visit this church...what better time?! So I called a friend of mine to let him know that I'd be calling him after services and I'd need him to fix my flat tire. I had the money, he had a spare so we were in business!
After the call, I put my phone on vibrate, put my Bible in my MK bag and got out of the car. But suddenly, there stood a well dressed man in his 40's or 50's standing at my back bumper. "What are you doing here?" he asked. Even though I was startled I told him about the flat.
"You got somebody to come get you?" he asked.
"Well, yes, sir. I've always wanted to visit this church so I thought I'd attend and then call my friend to change the tire." He didn't seem too happy with my answer.
I was trying to figure out why I seemed to be intruding on this church and parking lot. I was well-dressed for church. I was modestly dressed, toned the makeup and was even wearing flats so I wouldn't be nearly 5'10" I am in heels. I was carrying a well-known purse so I didn't get this guy's "drift" I suppose.
I was fortunate enough to have been able to park perfectly in the first available one in the lot and wasn't blocking anyone but when I took a step forward towards the church...he got in front of me! He looked as if he was blocking my way into the church! What was happening?
I really felt strange. I never thought someone would try to prevent me from going in a church but it certainly seemed to be happening!
Then I did something I hate to do. But in this situation, it was worth a shot so I said, "My Aunt Pat Thompson goes to this church so I thought I would visit." The change that came over that man was predictable yet disappointing. He broke out in a smile, extended his hand and shook mine. I had actually said the "secret word" so suddenly I was welcomed.
This went against everything I had ever been taught. Everyone one is welcome in a church, right? My car might not be straight from the showroom floor but it was decent and I had someone coiming to fix the flat. What was his problem?
I think what stunned me the most is the feeling of having to meet some unspoken criteria before I'd be let in the building. Well, with this man's "approval" I started towards the sanctuary. Unbeknownst to me, a very nice red-haired woman had been watching this entire exchange and when I got close enough to her, she held out her hand, introduced herself and she accompanied me inside and sat beside me.
The church had quite a few of my long-lost relatives including the pastor. He recognized me, called me by name and welcomed me and I proceeded to have a wonderful service. There is very little sermon but lots of singing and praying. Yes, I did she my aunt who also ended up sitting with me. In and out in an hour. Beautiful service. Unfortunately, I was still thinking I'd probably not been allowed in if I hadn't "dropped" Pat's name.
After service, a friend had been by, fixed my flat and I rode home as if nothing unusual had happened. But it had occurred. For the first time I felt unwelcomed in a House of God. I've always heard of people going into the neighborhood to get people to come to church...not to "screen" anyone trying to attend. But of course, this would happen to me!! God Bless!!
A Hard Lesson to Learn During Thanksgiving
I love my 1997 Ford Taurus GL and like most cars, they have trouble from time to time. The first estimate I got for the "minor repair" was $2700.00! Yeah, right. So I decided to go to the manager of my complex Tony, to see if he had anyone he could recommend. "Ed" would be coming to my home to fix what ever was wrong because, " he fixes my cars." The manager said. Then he added, "look, Ed is sixty-two years old and he lives in his van. He parks in a vacant lot over in M'vill but he's nothing to worry about. He just needs a break." I thought if Tony knows him, he must be okay. Who cares if he is homeless and lives in a van? He's probably needing money around this time of year anyway sooo.
Ed drives up in his van, complete with dog and pulled out a series of tools to rival NASCAR. The deal was I buy the parts and I pay a set fee of $100.00 for time and trouble. No problem. Unfortunately, the more work he did, the more another problem began to surface.
Little by little, Ed began making rather inappropriate comments. "G*damn, you're a good-looking lady.""Anybody ever tell you, you got a great ass?" I ignored all his comments. Then he started bringing beer to the house. I don't mind beer, I just didn't want to think this man would drink, get drunk and then leave my house and have an accident. So I asked him not to bring it anymore. "No prob." he said. "You some sort of 'Christian?"
"You know, when I get this car fixed, you won't want to see me anymore." he said.
"But you're here because Tony recommended you and I'm paying you."
"Now you sound like you want to get rid of me."
"I just want my car fixed."
There were three consecutive days he came over, didn't even look at the car but brought in his guitar to show off his musical abilities. Now the man can play! No question about that but I wasn't paying to be sung to when my car needed to be completely fixed. "Maybe you'll let me take you to Gatlinburg sometime?" he asked.
"No thanks." I said. On those three days, he said he couldn't look at the car because "the time has changed, dark comes faster and my van don't have headlights". I was beginning to get nervous.
Then I really stepped in it. He was working on the car, came in to wash his hands and he smelled so badly that it took my breath away. I didn't want to embarrass him so I said, "I'm going to be doing some wash soon, let me have that coat and I'll wash it for you." So I did. The next day when my son had come by to visit, Ed asked if he could take a shower. So I let him. I thought I was being nice and helpful because the smell wasn't just the man's coat...it was him. My son left after Ed did so, no big deal.
It got so bad that when the transmission leak was fixed, other things like unexplained flat tires and "extra examinations" of completed work had to be done by Ed. I told Tony who just told me to call the law but I didn't. I finished paying the guy and sent him on his way. But then he started calling and calling to the point where I stopped answering my phone. The he sent a text that read, "So much for you being a Christian lady. After everything I've done you just don't have anything else to say? I don't know what I did but you got some nerve being a backstabber, thief and a liar. Be sure to go to church on Wed and Sunday so you can keep on fooling those people." He wrote worse things but I never respond.
As usual, the police are no help at all and when I explained that I am all alone in my home and am still receiving breast cancer treatment their reply was, "And you thought this was important enough to notify us?"
Once again, I suffered from car trouble but THIS time it was the MECHANIC.
It hurts me to say this but I am beginning to understand some of the reluctance people have in hiring homeless men...especially when you can't trust a "trusted friend" to send you a good mechanic who maybe down on their luck.
I've told everyone I'm 'supposed' to tell when alone and some crazy man bothers you but looks like as usual it's fallen on deaf ears. BUT AT LEAST YOU ALL KNOW. Thanks for reading!
Happy Thanksgiving and May God Bless Us All
Ed drives up in his van, complete with dog and pulled out a series of tools to rival NASCAR. The deal was I buy the parts and I pay a set fee of $100.00 for time and trouble. No problem. Unfortunately, the more work he did, the more another problem began to surface.
Little by little, Ed began making rather inappropriate comments. "G*damn, you're a good-looking lady.""Anybody ever tell you, you got a great ass?" I ignored all his comments. Then he started bringing beer to the house. I don't mind beer, I just didn't want to think this man would drink, get drunk and then leave my house and have an accident. So I asked him not to bring it anymore. "No prob." he said. "You some sort of 'Christian?"
"You know, when I get this car fixed, you won't want to see me anymore." he said.
"But you're here because Tony recommended you and I'm paying you."
"Now you sound like you want to get rid of me."
"I just want my car fixed."
There were three consecutive days he came over, didn't even look at the car but brought in his guitar to show off his musical abilities. Now the man can play! No question about that but I wasn't paying to be sung to when my car needed to be completely fixed. "Maybe you'll let me take you to Gatlinburg sometime?" he asked.
"No thanks." I said. On those three days, he said he couldn't look at the car because "the time has changed, dark comes faster and my van don't have headlights". I was beginning to get nervous.
Then I really stepped in it. He was working on the car, came in to wash his hands and he smelled so badly that it took my breath away. I didn't want to embarrass him so I said, "I'm going to be doing some wash soon, let me have that coat and I'll wash it for you." So I did. The next day when my son had come by to visit, Ed asked if he could take a shower. So I let him. I thought I was being nice and helpful because the smell wasn't just the man's coat...it was him. My son left after Ed did so, no big deal.
It got so bad that when the transmission leak was fixed, other things like unexplained flat tires and "extra examinations" of completed work had to be done by Ed. I told Tony who just told me to call the law but I didn't. I finished paying the guy and sent him on his way. But then he started calling and calling to the point where I stopped answering my phone. The he sent a text that read, "So much for you being a Christian lady. After everything I've done you just don't have anything else to say? I don't know what I did but you got some nerve being a backstabber, thief and a liar. Be sure to go to church on Wed and Sunday so you can keep on fooling those people." He wrote worse things but I never respond.
As usual, the police are no help at all and when I explained that I am all alone in my home and am still receiving breast cancer treatment their reply was, "And you thought this was important enough to notify us?"
Once again, I suffered from car trouble but THIS time it was the MECHANIC.
It hurts me to say this but I am beginning to understand some of the reluctance people have in hiring homeless men...especially when you can't trust a "trusted friend" to send you a good mechanic who maybe down on their luck.
I've told everyone I'm 'supposed' to tell when alone and some crazy man bothers you but looks like as usual it's fallen on deaf ears. BUT AT LEAST YOU ALL KNOW. Thanks for reading!
Happy Thanksgiving and May God Bless Us All
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Election 2016 You MUST Vote
This election has been the dirtiest and most obnoxious thing I've seen in my life. "Info-tainment" has replaced facts and serious discussions of the issues. I watched each convention and was horrified to see the difference between the DNC and the RNC. The DNC seemed to have more positive messages and unity while the RNC was backing a self-centered celebrity who claimed...in that famous "Jesus pose" he alone was the only one who could "make America Great Again."
In my area of the country , it is pro-Republican no matter who the candidate is. How can they do that? Speaker Paul Ryan has declared that he voted for Donald Trump after refusing to support him when Mr. Trump became the nominee. Others here, too are voting for Trump simply because he's a Republican nominee. To me, that is like voting for Obama just because he's black or Mrs. Clinton just because she is a woman.
In reality, voting just because of the above stated reasons are perfectly understandable because voters want someone "like them." But those in this area have absolutely nothing in common with Mr. Trump except their fear of immigrants "stealing their jobs" and the hope that since Trump is a billionaire, they will share in the piece of the pie.
For the past few weeks, I have refused to watch any news or so-called "news." What peace it brought to me. I didn't have to hear about emails, scandals, sexual assaults and hatred. I did watch the debates but after that I found comfort in channels showing old John Wayne movies and sports.
Three generations of us went to our local courthouse to vote early. This is my son's first election for POTUS and he takes it very seriously. So my mother, my son and I early voted. Nana said that she never imagined that one day she'd have the opportunity to vote for a woman for POTUS. What I've come to realize is that candidates must relate to voters whether they do it by promising walls, deportations, health care and equal pay for equal work.
None of us discussed who our votes were going to but we did discuss the disgraceful media coverage and the resurgent of the words "c**t' and 'p***y." We also commented on the debates and how the mediators didn't seem to be able to control those events. Nothing is worse than interruption after interruption, personal attacks and threatening to put your opposition in jail.
I have to admit that I am scared. Tuesday will be one of the most important days in our history. There seems to be just a hint of the "pendulum" swinging slowly backwards. Would we go backwards if we elect Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton? As a woman, what will I lose and gain if Trump wins or Clinton wins?
I remember a quote by George W. Bush said during his campaign against Mr. Kerry. He said, "Do you vote for the Devil you know OR the Devil you don't know?" Of course, he won because we didn't know what to expect had Bush lost his second term. That quote has stuck with me.
VOTE! No matter how you vote, VOTE. It is essential THIS year. Even though the real issues seemed to been put on the back burner, VOTE!!
VOTE! Have YOUR say! VOTE your conscience. Our world is in trouble and WE THE PEOPLE are the only ones that can bring this foolishness to a halt!
God Bless America! VOTE!
In my area of the country , it is pro-Republican no matter who the candidate is. How can they do that? Speaker Paul Ryan has declared that he voted for Donald Trump after refusing to support him when Mr. Trump became the nominee. Others here, too are voting for Trump simply because he's a Republican nominee. To me, that is like voting for Obama just because he's black or Mrs. Clinton just because she is a woman.
In reality, voting just because of the above stated reasons are perfectly understandable because voters want someone "like them." But those in this area have absolutely nothing in common with Mr. Trump except their fear of immigrants "stealing their jobs" and the hope that since Trump is a billionaire, they will share in the piece of the pie.
For the past few weeks, I have refused to watch any news or so-called "news." What peace it brought to me. I didn't have to hear about emails, scandals, sexual assaults and hatred. I did watch the debates but after that I found comfort in channels showing old John Wayne movies and sports.
Three generations of us went to our local courthouse to vote early. This is my son's first election for POTUS and he takes it very seriously. So my mother, my son and I early voted. Nana said that she never imagined that one day she'd have the opportunity to vote for a woman for POTUS. What I've come to realize is that candidates must relate to voters whether they do it by promising walls, deportations, health care and equal pay for equal work.
None of us discussed who our votes were going to but we did discuss the disgraceful media coverage and the resurgent of the words "c**t' and 'p***y." We also commented on the debates and how the mediators didn't seem to be able to control those events. Nothing is worse than interruption after interruption, personal attacks and threatening to put your opposition in jail.
I have to admit that I am scared. Tuesday will be one of the most important days in our history. There seems to be just a hint of the "pendulum" swinging slowly backwards. Would we go backwards if we elect Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton? As a woman, what will I lose and gain if Trump wins or Clinton wins?
I remember a quote by George W. Bush said during his campaign against Mr. Kerry. He said, "Do you vote for the Devil you know OR the Devil you don't know?" Of course, he won because we didn't know what to expect had Bush lost his second term. That quote has stuck with me.
VOTE! No matter how you vote, VOTE. It is essential THIS year. Even though the real issues seemed to been put on the back burner, VOTE!!
VOTE! Have YOUR say! VOTE your conscience. Our world is in trouble and WE THE PEOPLE are the only ones that can bring this foolishness to a halt!
God Bless America! VOTE!
Monday, October 3, 2016
Breast Cancer...The Aftermath...and a Bit of "Cyber-begging"
Nobody tells you about the loneliness and suffering you do when your head hits the pillow at night. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer with lymph node involvement. 5 of six nodes were removed. Then, as past readers will recall, I had 18 rounds of chemotherapy and 33 doses of radiation. Apparently, that is the basic regiment of treatment. I went thru it all essentially alone. My family situation basically consists of my son, his baby mama and all her drama. Unfortunately, she commandeers most of his time--especially when it comes to me.
I am alone most of the time. That's why you readers are so valuable to me. I'm here. You're there...wherever that may be. That alone is a comfort.
Since it is October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I have to admit it is bittersweet. I brought it all on myself regarding getting help. I'm the strong one, right? I'm the one everyone else comes to when the crap hits the fan. Unfortunately, I gave folks the wrong impression.
Once your routine care is complete, you are basically left on your own to deal with the meds, the schedules and the money involved in your "aftercare." That is where I am now.
I have gotten all kinds of magazines that help me "adjust" to my new life. New life? I'm still the same woman with the same wants and needs she had before. Contrary to most of my "friends" and what they think, I need encouragement at times. I am grateful for my survival of this horrible disease but...now what? I'll tell you what.....
Every now and then, think of me and send a prayer my way. You can be my cyber family. I realize that I am whining and feeling sorry for myself but I found out that I am human. How bout that? I cry. Don't tell anybody. Ok?
I am a breast cancer survivor who would be honored to receive a postcard or letter from anyone reading this. I miss the days of pen pals. Anyone remember pen pals?. I guess technology pretty much eliminated the need for handwritten notes and letters. This was why a reader I can only call "Muse" sent me an entire collection of Bill Bryson books such as A Walk In the Woods and made life easier to endure. So, if you find the time and would like to "support" a breast cancer survivor with a note of encouragement or a postcard, the address is:
Dyane Lody
220 Monday Rd.
# 6
Corryton, TN 37721
Thank you for indulging me. I have missed blogging and getting strength from the fact that I am NOT alone because of YOU!!!
God Bless
I am alone most of the time. That's why you readers are so valuable to me. I'm here. You're there...wherever that may be. That alone is a comfort.
Since it is October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I have to admit it is bittersweet. I brought it all on myself regarding getting help. I'm the strong one, right? I'm the one everyone else comes to when the crap hits the fan. Unfortunately, I gave folks the wrong impression.
Once your routine care is complete, you are basically left on your own to deal with the meds, the schedules and the money involved in your "aftercare." That is where I am now.
I have gotten all kinds of magazines that help me "adjust" to my new life. New life? I'm still the same woman with the same wants and needs she had before. Contrary to most of my "friends" and what they think, I need encouragement at times. I am grateful for my survival of this horrible disease but...now what? I'll tell you what.....
Every now and then, think of me and send a prayer my way. You can be my cyber family. I realize that I am whining and feeling sorry for myself but I found out that I am human. How bout that? I cry. Don't tell anybody. Ok?
I am a breast cancer survivor who would be honored to receive a postcard or letter from anyone reading this. I miss the days of pen pals. Anyone remember pen pals?. I guess technology pretty much eliminated the need for handwritten notes and letters. This was why a reader I can only call "Muse" sent me an entire collection of Bill Bryson books such as A Walk In the Woods and made life easier to endure. So, if you find the time and would like to "support" a breast cancer survivor with a note of encouragement or a postcard, the address is:
Dyane Lody
220 Monday Rd.
# 6
Corryton, TN 37721
Thank you for indulging me. I have missed blogging and getting strength from the fact that I am NOT alone because of YOU!!!
God Bless
Monday, September 19, 2016
I'm Baaaaaaaaack!!! FINALLY!!
Damn, you don't know what it's been like to have so much stuff on your mind, advice to give away and be completely locked out and kept away from YOU!!! I know it's not "good form" to give my readers any updates but...just between you and me? I've not been doing too well...or too badly if I'm being honest!
Health-wise, I am still in remission from breast cancer (applause! applause!) my oncologist has decided to move with her family to California (sniff! sniff!) I'm doing great (applause! applause!) but I did break my left knee in June (f**k! f**k!) .....but I'm much better now!
The problem really began when I started...or thought I had...started having troubles with my good friend 'computer' here. Then like millions of men...and some ladies, too but for right now, I'm picking on the boys....I decided to trade my 'old girl' for a 'new girl.' Oh come on, you how it is. You take what you got for granted, seeing every little fault that never bothered you before and then you get dazzled by the "new and improved," "younger and softer," "easier to deal with," model...can't get her out of your mind so you sneak out and get next to that new fine piece of machinery--while your old companion is "getting some work done"!
You don't even bother to check on your old girl because your new toy is showing you things the other one just "wasn't equip" to handle. You never dreamed certain things were even possible! Wow! Welcome to the Land of...........
Wait. Wait. I kinda, sorta miss being with my old computer/companion. I mean, 'she' was my first and 'she' introduced me to "personal" computers and "she" showed me how to BLOG!! What had I done?????
I dumped that new model, went back to my first love who by the way, didn't need anything major done at all! I was sooooooooo happy to be reunited!!! All was right in the world again and all was forgiven.
Well,
For "running around with another computer," it has taken me nearly the entire summer to get back to you and my readers...if I still have any. My old computer had me pressing this button, going to this site, that site, screaming, crying, begging forgiveness--the whole bit and JUST when I was ready to accept that things would never be the same again "She" forgave me; revealed the things I needed to know and put me back in touch with you readers like an adulterous hubby returning to his wife and "kids." Thank God!!
Just in time too, have you guys seen who they've gotten to run for PRESIDENT this election year??
Health-wise, I am still in remission from breast cancer (applause! applause!) my oncologist has decided to move with her family to California (sniff! sniff!) I'm doing great (applause! applause!) but I did break my left knee in June (f**k! f**k!) .....but I'm much better now!
The problem really began when I started...or thought I had...started having troubles with my good friend 'computer' here. Then like millions of men...and some ladies, too but for right now, I'm picking on the boys....I decided to trade my 'old girl' for a 'new girl.' Oh come on, you how it is. You take what you got for granted, seeing every little fault that never bothered you before and then you get dazzled by the "new and improved," "younger and softer," "easier to deal with," model...can't get her out of your mind so you sneak out and get next to that new fine piece of machinery--while your old companion is "getting some work done"!
You don't even bother to check on your old girl because your new toy is showing you things the other one just "wasn't equip" to handle. You never dreamed certain things were even possible! Wow! Welcome to the Land of...........
Wait. Wait. I kinda, sorta miss being with my old computer/companion. I mean, 'she' was my first and 'she' introduced me to "personal" computers and "she" showed me how to BLOG!! What had I done?????
I dumped that new model, went back to my first love who by the way, didn't need anything major done at all! I was sooooooooo happy to be reunited!!! All was right in the world again and all was forgiven.
Well,
For "running around with another computer," it has taken me nearly the entire summer to get back to you and my readers...if I still have any. My old computer had me pressing this button, going to this site, that site, screaming, crying, begging forgiveness--the whole bit and JUST when I was ready to accept that things would never be the same again "She" forgave me; revealed the things I needed to know and put me back in touch with you readers like an adulterous hubby returning to his wife and "kids." Thank God!!
Just in time too, have you guys seen who they've gotten to run for PRESIDENT this election year??
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Fractured Life...at the Moment
Last week, I did something only I could do. I broke my left knee. I sort of "saw it coming" because I knew it was not good form to sit with my left leg under my butt while watching TV. Oh, but it was so comfortable... Anyway, little by little, I started feeling pains in my left leg and I knew. Big deal. Give it a couple of rubs of whatever is the big selling analgesic and I'll be fine.
A couple of days later, the pain got worse so I thought I'd just turn off the TV and go to bed. I got up from my chair and took one step with my left leg and heard/felt the biggest "POP" ever! I immediately couldn't use my left leg and slithered back towards my chair. I saw my cell phone about two feet beyond my reach and managed to throw my belt at it and slowly bring my phone to me. I know, I know...at this moment I'm thinking "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" but like those people on TV, I didn't have anyone to yell to either!
Thankfully, I was able to call my next door neighbor Jessica. She's been friendly to me ever since she moved in and I was hoping she wasn't going to mind the incredible imposition I was about to try and hand her. I called her and before I could even get the words completely out of my mouth, she was standing in my living room--still on her phone with me!!
She rushed me to a local ER where they did x-rays but couldn't tell me what they showed. What? All they really did was give me an immobilizer for my leg, told me to keep it iced and gave me the number of "some wonderful orthopedic surgeons." In the "old days" a person with broken bones were kept in the ER for hours waiting for the orthopedic doctor to get there, prep one or surgery and take care of business. Not now!
I was graciously escorted outside via wheelchair to wait for Jessica to pull up to the patient pick-up so I could go back home. Oh yeah, I got a nifty pair of crutches as another parting gift! On the way home, I realized that I as probably in more danger at home with this fracture than I was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd have to learn how to walk on crutches, maneuver around my messy home and do all of the activities of daily living all by myself. Well, now I have a friend who is willing to help me...Jessica.
Once again, all my plans are at a standstill. Can't go to church, couldn't go to Bible school, can't go to yoga classes, can't do my volunteer work...none of it!! I have to be careful, follow orders and hope I get "back to normal" in less than the four to six weeks they tell me it will take.
I'll tell you one thing, this FOMO thing I keep hearing about...is starting to become real to me. I never really took my life for granted but I'm certainly missing stuff now!
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad. It certainly could've been worse and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have a friend that will drop nearly everything to come to the aid of not only me but others. Jessica is a rarity.
But I'll be fine as long as I stay out of my own way, do what I'm told and have plenty of books to read! I was hoping to put on my dancing shoes July 1st--my birthday--but I guess I'll just have sit and "put my crutches in the air...and wave 'em like I just don't care"! Gotta find some humor in this, right?
So instead of saying "Have a great day," in honor of this past weeks' Tony Awards, I'll just say "break a leg!" I DID!!!
A couple of days later, the pain got worse so I thought I'd just turn off the TV and go to bed. I got up from my chair and took one step with my left leg and heard/felt the biggest "POP" ever! I immediately couldn't use my left leg and slithered back towards my chair. I saw my cell phone about two feet beyond my reach and managed to throw my belt at it and slowly bring my phone to me. I know, I know...at this moment I'm thinking "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" but like those people on TV, I didn't have anyone to yell to either!
Thankfully, I was able to call my next door neighbor Jessica. She's been friendly to me ever since she moved in and I was hoping she wasn't going to mind the incredible imposition I was about to try and hand her. I called her and before I could even get the words completely out of my mouth, she was standing in my living room--still on her phone with me!!
She rushed me to a local ER where they did x-rays but couldn't tell me what they showed. What? All they really did was give me an immobilizer for my leg, told me to keep it iced and gave me the number of "some wonderful orthopedic surgeons." In the "old days" a person with broken bones were kept in the ER for hours waiting for the orthopedic doctor to get there, prep one or surgery and take care of business. Not now!
I was graciously escorted outside via wheelchair to wait for Jessica to pull up to the patient pick-up so I could go back home. Oh yeah, I got a nifty pair of crutches as another parting gift! On the way home, I realized that I as probably in more danger at home with this fracture than I was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd have to learn how to walk on crutches, maneuver around my messy home and do all of the activities of daily living all by myself. Well, now I have a friend who is willing to help me...Jessica.
Once again, all my plans are at a standstill. Can't go to church, couldn't go to Bible school, can't go to yoga classes, can't do my volunteer work...none of it!! I have to be careful, follow orders and hope I get "back to normal" in less than the four to six weeks they tell me it will take.
I'll tell you one thing, this FOMO thing I keep hearing about...is starting to become real to me. I never really took my life for granted but I'm certainly missing stuff now!
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad. It certainly could've been worse and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have a friend that will drop nearly everything to come to the aid of not only me but others. Jessica is a rarity.
But I'll be fine as long as I stay out of my own way, do what I'm told and have plenty of books to read! I was hoping to put on my dancing shoes July 1st--my birthday--but I guess I'll just have sit and "put my crutches in the air...and wave 'em like I just don't care"! Gotta find some humor in this, right?
So instead of saying "Have a great day," in honor of this past weeks' Tony Awards, I'll just say "break a leg!" I DID!!!
Monday, May 30, 2016
Law & Order CPU (Cell Phone Unit)
Pilot: One sister accuses the other of destroying "Nana's" cell phone. (I don't know how I would accurately write that well-known set of tones loyal viewers hear when an episode of 'L & O' starts.)
Final Scene: Summations
D.A.: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'll be brief. The defendant confessed to the crime so therefore, you must come back with a "Guilty" verdict. Thank you."
Defense: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this case isn't the 'crime, confession, guilty' one the D.A. would have you believe it is. This goes deeper. This case is one that is as old as Cain and Able. Jealousy, manipulation and destruction.
The facts are these. Nana's phone was connected to the charger and was lying on the floor. About an hour later, Nana went to pick up the phone and found it disconnected from the charger and wet, as the prosecution's star witness, Miss Julie Reins said. But what Miss Reins didn't say was that the phone was lying right next to the charger and not reconnected. What does this mean? First, it means that someone had disconnected the phone, gotten it wet and placed it on the floor beside the charger without reconnecting because they knew what might happen if they plugged in a wet phone. The defendant isn't capable of knowing such consequences.
For my client to have committed this crime, she would've had to disconnect the phone, throw it into the toilet--as her accuser claims--retrieve it and carefully lay it next to the still plugged in charger's prong from which she had supposedly taken it. Impossible. Why? Because my client was in fact. in the laundry room with Nana while this crime was being committed. Oh, but my client confessed. Yes, she did. Let's go over her confession.
"Julie: Did you throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"The defendant, Zaya Reins: Yeah."
"Julie: Did you mean to throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah." But ladies and gentlemen, you didn't hear the rest of my client's so-called confession.
After this exchange, Nana herself asks, "Zaya, did you throw my phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Did you drive my car to work today?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Okay. Zaya, did you kill Kennedy?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Not much of a slam dunk confession the prosecution thought it was, wouldn't you say? One thing was never discussed. How is it that the defendant's sister knew where the phone had been thrown? How did she know it had been 'thrown' into anything at all? But most importantly, how is it that my client could be in the laundry room with the victim of this crime AND destroy her phone at the exact same time? No one, not even Zaya can do that. The defense concludes that it was not Zaya but her very own sister Julie, who cooked this whole scheme up with the intention of replacing her younger sister as 'the highly favored sister' thus moving herself into that position. As with Cain, Julie was not her SISTER'S keeper but her accuser. Therefore, you must return with a verdict of 'not guilty.' Thank you. Defense rests, Your Honor."
The jury returns. "Madame foreman, have you reached a verdict?"
Foreman: "Yes we have, Your Honor. In the case of 2 year old, Zaya Reins, we the jury find the defendant, 'not guilty'."
Roll credits. Coming to NBC this fall.......LOL
Final Scene: Summations
D.A.: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'll be brief. The defendant confessed to the crime so therefore, you must come back with a "Guilty" verdict. Thank you."
Defense: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this case isn't the 'crime, confession, guilty' one the D.A. would have you believe it is. This goes deeper. This case is one that is as old as Cain and Able. Jealousy, manipulation and destruction.
The facts are these. Nana's phone was connected to the charger and was lying on the floor. About an hour later, Nana went to pick up the phone and found it disconnected from the charger and wet, as the prosecution's star witness, Miss Julie Reins said. But what Miss Reins didn't say was that the phone was lying right next to the charger and not reconnected. What does this mean? First, it means that someone had disconnected the phone, gotten it wet and placed it on the floor beside the charger without reconnecting because they knew what might happen if they plugged in a wet phone. The defendant isn't capable of knowing such consequences.
For my client to have committed this crime, she would've had to disconnect the phone, throw it into the toilet--as her accuser claims--retrieve it and carefully lay it next to the still plugged in charger's prong from which she had supposedly taken it. Impossible. Why? Because my client was in fact. in the laundry room with Nana while this crime was being committed. Oh, but my client confessed. Yes, she did. Let's go over her confession.
"Julie: Did you throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"The defendant, Zaya Reins: Yeah."
"Julie: Did you mean to throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah." But ladies and gentlemen, you didn't hear the rest of my client's so-called confession.
After this exchange, Nana herself asks, "Zaya, did you throw my phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Did you drive my car to work today?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Okay. Zaya, did you kill Kennedy?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Not much of a slam dunk confession the prosecution thought it was, wouldn't you say? One thing was never discussed. How is it that the defendant's sister knew where the phone had been thrown? How did she know it had been 'thrown' into anything at all? But most importantly, how is it that my client could be in the laundry room with the victim of this crime AND destroy her phone at the exact same time? No one, not even Zaya can do that. The defense concludes that it was not Zaya but her very own sister Julie, who cooked this whole scheme up with the intention of replacing her younger sister as 'the highly favored sister' thus moving herself into that position. As with Cain, Julie was not her SISTER'S keeper but her accuser. Therefore, you must return with a verdict of 'not guilty.' Thank you. Defense rests, Your Honor."
The jury returns. "Madame foreman, have you reached a verdict?"
Foreman: "Yes we have, Your Honor. In the case of 2 year old, Zaya Reins, we the jury find the defendant, 'not guilty'."
Roll credits. Coming to NBC this fall.......LOL
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Verizon Better Customer Service? Not On A Holiday Weekend!
My pre-paid Verizon phone stopped working yesterday and using someone else's phone, I called for support and a wonderful lady named Debbie told me to go to my nearest Authorized Dealer. "They'll be happy to help." So I did.......
I go to the store and was surprised that their parking lot was empty. The only reason I did go in was the "OPEN" sign was working. I go in and was met by a very large, bald man with no name tag.
"How can I help you" he asked.
"Something is wrong with my phone." He the takes the phone from my hand, looked at it and said, "It's got water in it."
"Ok," I said, "I need another phone with the same phone number because I am a breast cancer patient and I need to be able to get in touch with my doctors and vice versa."
"We can't do that." he said.
"I was told you could transfer my number, photos and videos to another phone."
"Well, we can't. Now you just had a pre-paid...well, I can sell you another one for 90 bucks. That's about it." he said.
"So it's just a myth that I can get another phone with my same number....." I began but he interrupted me by saying, "No, none of that is true." Wow!
This entire exchange took about seven minutes and then I was driving myself back home. Very upset and a bit bewildered, I used another phone and called Verizon Support and told this tale to another wonderful lady named "Bethany."
"Bethany" informed me that a lot of my treatment was the result of 1) Holiday weekend 2) I'm a woman 3) I went to the store without a male companion 4) The male's attitude was based on his judgment of whether or not he could "make that sale." Incidentally, she told me that this man had LIED about being unable to transfer numbers, photos and videos. Then, she told me to GO TO WAL-MART, where they could/would help me. I was sort of stunned that a phone support rep would tell me to by pass the authorized dealer centers and get a phone from WAL-MART!
Fact remains, I am without a phone. Luckily, this long weekend holiday means minimal need of a phone unless there's an emergency. I don't know what I'd do but hopefully, no emergency will occur.
I understand that feeling of "Oh my gosh, here comes a customer and I have plans" but at least this particular "representative" can get you out of his store in under ten minutes!!!
I do appreciate the fact that "Bethany" told me "That man lied to your face." Unusual, right? I'm used to employees backing each other/explaining away incidents/blaming the victim-for lack of a better word. Not this one.
It takes a rare breed of person who has to listen to complaints from customers like me. She listened, gave me some valuable insight on Verizon stores, told me the rep had lied and as I said, told me to go to WAL-MART.
We'll see but for now, I'm going to get over my encounter and see what life is like without a phone...sort of have to at present!! 1 think I'll change my focus from this incident and put it on Memorial Day weekend, what it means and honor as best I can, the men and women who served and currently serve our country.
Have A Safe Memorial Day Weekend
I go to the store and was surprised that their parking lot was empty. The only reason I did go in was the "OPEN" sign was working. I go in and was met by a very large, bald man with no name tag.
"How can I help you" he asked.
"Something is wrong with my phone." He the takes the phone from my hand, looked at it and said, "It's got water in it."
"Ok," I said, "I need another phone with the same phone number because I am a breast cancer patient and I need to be able to get in touch with my doctors and vice versa."
"We can't do that." he said.
"I was told you could transfer my number, photos and videos to another phone."
"Well, we can't. Now you just had a pre-paid...well, I can sell you another one for 90 bucks. That's about it." he said.
"So it's just a myth that I can get another phone with my same number....." I began but he interrupted me by saying, "No, none of that is true." Wow!
This entire exchange took about seven minutes and then I was driving myself back home. Very upset and a bit bewildered, I used another phone and called Verizon Support and told this tale to another wonderful lady named "Bethany."
"Bethany" informed me that a lot of my treatment was the result of 1) Holiday weekend 2) I'm a woman 3) I went to the store without a male companion 4) The male's attitude was based on his judgment of whether or not he could "make that sale." Incidentally, she told me that this man had LIED about being unable to transfer numbers, photos and videos. Then, she told me to GO TO WAL-MART, where they could/would help me. I was sort of stunned that a phone support rep would tell me to by pass the authorized dealer centers and get a phone from WAL-MART!
Fact remains, I am without a phone. Luckily, this long weekend holiday means minimal need of a phone unless there's an emergency. I don't know what I'd do but hopefully, no emergency will occur.
I understand that feeling of "Oh my gosh, here comes a customer and I have plans" but at least this particular "representative" can get you out of his store in under ten minutes!!!
I do appreciate the fact that "Bethany" told me "That man lied to your face." Unusual, right? I'm used to employees backing each other/explaining away incidents/blaming the victim-for lack of a better word. Not this one.
It takes a rare breed of person who has to listen to complaints from customers like me. She listened, gave me some valuable insight on Verizon stores, told me the rep had lied and as I said, told me to go to WAL-MART.
We'll see but for now, I'm going to get over my encounter and see what life is like without a phone...sort of have to at present!! 1 think I'll change my focus from this incident and put it on Memorial Day weekend, what it means and honor as best I can, the men and women who served and currently serve our country.
Have A Safe Memorial Day Weekend
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Value YOUR Mother (update)
It's that time of year again when we are reminded of how important our mother is and how we should honor her blah, blah, blah. I happen to be one of those who never knew the pleasure of having a mother. Oh, I had a "bio" mom (Alice) but when "bio" dad dumped her after she told him I was on the way--she blamed me for ruining her 'happily ever after,' then split...leaving me with HER mother. So I grew up "knowing" I wasn't wanted and would never be able to "earn" my place here on Earth.
What must it be like to subconsciously know that no matter what, Mom loves you? That she's there for you? That she's proud of you? And feel the same about her?
Her hatred? I understood it. I had ruined her life. She told me so as often as she could. "God must've really wanted you here-because I tried every way in the world to get rid of you. But you got born anyway." she said. I was a child and no matter what you do/say to a child, they'll always see some good in you. We learned that from Anne Frank. "She really doesn't mean it." I told myself.
For a long time, I did feel guilty for being a straight A student, cheerleader from 4th grade to 12th, putting myself through nursing school, becoming all the things I ever dreamed of while "Mom" never really had a shot. Truth be told, I did all those things thinking she'd "wake up" then she and I would have "happily ever after" Mother/Daughter style.
Last year, I was sitting in church listening to the pastor praise motherhood and what a godly honor it was to be someone's mother. As I looked around, I saw family, family, family...then me. I resorted to the statement I've always held in my heart..."God must think you're pretty special to put you down here all by yourself." Then I decided to end this thing between Alice and me. So I went to see her.
She chose to live in a nursing home after a few falls, "mishaps" and numerous displays of what doctors call "strategic helplessness." When I arrived, it was like when Caleb met his mother in the classic novel "East of Eden." Alice is now an old, arthritic, bitter bitch that I barely recognized, living in a wheelchair.
"Hello." I said.
"Who the fuck are you?" she asked.
"Oh, I'm just someone you used to know." I answered. "I brought you something. It's Mother's Day." I added. Then I handed her a single red rose in a glass vase draped in white ribbon with the words, "I forgive you" written on the card attached. She looked at it, reached for it with the claw she now has for a left hand, looked at the card and I said, "The card says, 'I forgive you.'"
She looked at me and asked, "How's Blake (her grandson) and the baby (her great-granddaughter)?" So much for that Alzheimer's disease the nursing home claims she has.
"They're fine." I said. "Goodbye." Then I left. Closure.
That's been nearly a year ago and rarely, have I even thought of her. I pay her nursing home bill and her burial insurance premiums and that's all. That's plenty.
If nothing else, let me be someone you're glad you're not. Let me make you thankful your mother was not like mine. You know what a mother's love is and I don't. No pity needed here, Just promise me that you'll value YOUR mother and praise her for something they call "unconditional love." I feel I have it for my son and my granddaughter but without an example, I'm hoping I'm doing it correctly.
The hard truth is...some women aren't meant to be mothers. Mine wasn't.
I envy everyone of you blessed with a mother who saw her child as a blessing and not a curse. Spend time with your mother, love her, adore her and thank God for her. VALUE her as she valued YOU!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
What must it be like to subconsciously know that no matter what, Mom loves you? That she's there for you? That she's proud of you? And feel the same about her?
Her hatred? I understood it. I had ruined her life. She told me so as often as she could. "God must've really wanted you here-because I tried every way in the world to get rid of you. But you got born anyway." she said. I was a child and no matter what you do/say to a child, they'll always see some good in you. We learned that from Anne Frank. "She really doesn't mean it." I told myself.
For a long time, I did feel guilty for being a straight A student, cheerleader from 4th grade to 12th, putting myself through nursing school, becoming all the things I ever dreamed of while "Mom" never really had a shot. Truth be told, I did all those things thinking she'd "wake up" then she and I would have "happily ever after" Mother/Daughter style.
Last year, I was sitting in church listening to the pastor praise motherhood and what a godly honor it was to be someone's mother. As I looked around, I saw family, family, family...then me. I resorted to the statement I've always held in my heart..."God must think you're pretty special to put you down here all by yourself." Then I decided to end this thing between Alice and me. So I went to see her.
She chose to live in a nursing home after a few falls, "mishaps" and numerous displays of what doctors call "strategic helplessness." When I arrived, it was like when Caleb met his mother in the classic novel "East of Eden." Alice is now an old, arthritic, bitter bitch that I barely recognized, living in a wheelchair.
"Hello." I said.
"Who the fuck are you?" she asked.
"Oh, I'm just someone you used to know." I answered. "I brought you something. It's Mother's Day." I added. Then I handed her a single red rose in a glass vase draped in white ribbon with the words, "I forgive you" written on the card attached. She looked at it, reached for it with the claw she now has for a left hand, looked at the card and I said, "The card says, 'I forgive you.'"
She looked at me and asked, "How's Blake (her grandson) and the baby (her great-granddaughter)?" So much for that Alzheimer's disease the nursing home claims she has.
"They're fine." I said. "Goodbye." Then I left. Closure.
That's been nearly a year ago and rarely, have I even thought of her. I pay her nursing home bill and her burial insurance premiums and that's all. That's plenty.
If nothing else, let me be someone you're glad you're not. Let me make you thankful your mother was not like mine. You know what a mother's love is and I don't. No pity needed here, Just promise me that you'll value YOUR mother and praise her for something they call "unconditional love." I feel I have it for my son and my granddaughter but without an example, I'm hoping I'm doing it correctly.
The hard truth is...some women aren't meant to be mothers. Mine wasn't.
I envy everyone of you blessed with a mother who saw her child as a blessing and not a curse. Spend time with your mother, love her, adore her and thank God for her. VALUE her as she valued YOU!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Thoughts Of Suicide
Confession:
March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash, friends had gone (because I had no car), sick, losing weight, no appetite, no purpose...I felt I'd done all I could to be that "Happy Face" when I went out in public but it was cracking and I didn't belong anymore. To encourage myself, I'd say "You can't leave...u beat breast cancer. It'd be a waste." But sometimes u need someone ELSE to give you encouragement. These "agencies" they tell u to call when u need help were useless FOR ME and I was left on "hold" too many times. It made me feel I was taking up someone else's time. But that's one of my demons. All my childhood, I was told how much of a burden I was because my "free-loving" mom had accidently had me and dumped me on Grandma and Great-Grandma. But now at my age, I was supposed to be over that childhood trauma stuff, right?
I'd pray and pray...make arrangements for rides to the store that never came and car deals that fell through. I was getting tired of having to do it all alone. But I kept at it. I even made a hilariously sad attempt at figuring out just how much money I'd need to save to "turn everything around." My total? $2,115.42! At least it was a goal to work towards. Everyone needs a purpose to their life.
I'd play my favorite band, Pearl Jam's "In Hiding" song over and over again for encouragement to keep going because of the line, "It's funny when things change so much...it's all state of mind." But things weren't changing and my "state of mind" was self-pity heading towards resignation.
I also started to become at peace with taking my own life. I didn't REALLY want to die...I just wanted all the pain to stop but it wasn't going to be possible. Sure, self-pity came into play. I went five days straight without seeing another human being--my choice--or anyone calling me--their choice. I told myself that if I did commit suicide, by the time anyone "missed me" my body would be so rotten I'd be unrecognizable! Only thing I could come up with at the time. But the "good news" was Life would go on and I'd be in Heaven.
That night, I did rethink it and literally said to my dog, "Hey, it's not so bad...we still have the TV" Ten minutes later, that TV started going on and off by itself eventually stopping for good. Damn!Funny in a morbid kind of way but Damn! Then I paraphrased a Gene Hackman line from "The Poseidon Adventure." I looked up and yelled, "God, if you're not going to help me, PLEASE don't fight against me!" In my state of "clarity," I was at peace. Maybe God was telling me I'd served my purpose but like "Sam" from the classic "Quantum Leap" series--I hadn't "leaped" yet. I'd have to do it myself.
I honestly felt I was doing the right thing because I had tried my best and had failed at every turn. I'd even hitched a ride with my church van that previous Sunday and every hymn we sang was about "Going Home" and "Walking Around Heaven All Day." Why not just go? Again, I really just wanted the pain to stop.
That night, I took my pistol out of its lockbox and went into the living room. I stared at it a little while reviewing my "plan" because I certainly didn't want to fuck up and end up paralyzed or still alive. Ten minutes later at 11:00pm, I received a text message. 'Who in Hell would text me at this hour?" I thought. I looked at it and it read, "Missing you." It was from Married Mike...of all people in the world...HE texts me? The "Old Lover" himself. Months before, I had told him never text me again and I promised him I would never text him again. When I read it, I suddenly burst out laughing! I actually felt like I had won a game of "Whose texting who first?" I purposely hadn't changed my number because I had promised to never text him and if my promises aren't shit--I felt that I wasn't shit. I had "won." It's silly sounding but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had accomplished something and my "state of mind" changed. I played "In Hiding" again and my thoughts of suicide were gone. The next day I gathered up my courage, called my breast cancer doctor, told her my situation, how I'd been living and hurting and she got me to her office, did a work up and changed certain meds and added a couple. Some have antidepressant qualities that have made me more focused, motivated and productive. I have far less pain, less isolation and have set reachable goals. I learned that sometimes when you want someone...anyone to help or at least acknowledge you...it doesn't happen. You have to "go it alone."
I now have better treatment, a better state of mind, a helluva lot more confidence and even a car! No tv but....oh well! HaHa. I made myself a promise that no matter how bad things seem or hurt, suicide was out of the question--I'll just keep living...and I always keep my promises.
May my "confession" help someone stay with us no matter what the circumstances. God Bless.
March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash, friends had gone (because I had no car), sick, losing weight, no appetite, no purpose...I felt I'd done all I could to be that "Happy Face" when I went out in public but it was cracking and I didn't belong anymore. To encourage myself, I'd say "You can't leave...u beat breast cancer. It'd be a waste." But sometimes u need someone ELSE to give you encouragement. These "agencies" they tell u to call when u need help were useless FOR ME and I was left on "hold" too many times. It made me feel I was taking up someone else's time. But that's one of my demons. All my childhood, I was told how much of a burden I was because my "free-loving" mom had accidently had me and dumped me on Grandma and Great-Grandma. But now at my age, I was supposed to be over that childhood trauma stuff, right?
I'd pray and pray...make arrangements for rides to the store that never came and car deals that fell through. I was getting tired of having to do it all alone. But I kept at it. I even made a hilariously sad attempt at figuring out just how much money I'd need to save to "turn everything around." My total? $2,115.42! At least it was a goal to work towards. Everyone needs a purpose to their life.
I'd play my favorite band, Pearl Jam's "In Hiding" song over and over again for encouragement to keep going because of the line, "It's funny when things change so much...it's all state of mind." But things weren't changing and my "state of mind" was self-pity heading towards resignation.
I also started to become at peace with taking my own life. I didn't REALLY want to die...I just wanted all the pain to stop but it wasn't going to be possible. Sure, self-pity came into play. I went five days straight without seeing another human being--my choice--or anyone calling me--their choice. I told myself that if I did commit suicide, by the time anyone "missed me" my body would be so rotten I'd be unrecognizable! Only thing I could come up with at the time. But the "good news" was Life would go on and I'd be in Heaven.
That night, I did rethink it and literally said to my dog, "Hey, it's not so bad...we still have the TV" Ten minutes later, that TV started going on and off by itself eventually stopping for good. Damn!Funny in a morbid kind of way but Damn! Then I paraphrased a Gene Hackman line from "The Poseidon Adventure." I looked up and yelled, "God, if you're not going to help me, PLEASE don't fight against me!" In my state of "clarity," I was at peace. Maybe God was telling me I'd served my purpose but like "Sam" from the classic "Quantum Leap" series--I hadn't "leaped" yet. I'd have to do it myself.
I honestly felt I was doing the right thing because I had tried my best and had failed at every turn. I'd even hitched a ride with my church van that previous Sunday and every hymn we sang was about "Going Home" and "Walking Around Heaven All Day." Why not just go? Again, I really just wanted the pain to stop.
That night, I took my pistol out of its lockbox and went into the living room. I stared at it a little while reviewing my "plan" because I certainly didn't want to fuck up and end up paralyzed or still alive. Ten minutes later at 11:00pm, I received a text message. 'Who in Hell would text me at this hour?" I thought. I looked at it and it read, "Missing you." It was from Married Mike...of all people in the world...HE texts me? The "Old Lover" himself. Months before, I had told him never text me again and I promised him I would never text him again. When I read it, I suddenly burst out laughing! I actually felt like I had won a game of "Whose texting who first?" I purposely hadn't changed my number because I had promised to never text him and if my promises aren't shit--I felt that I wasn't shit. I had "won." It's silly sounding but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had accomplished something and my "state of mind" changed. I played "In Hiding" again and my thoughts of suicide were gone. The next day I gathered up my courage, called my breast cancer doctor, told her my situation, how I'd been living and hurting and she got me to her office, did a work up and changed certain meds and added a couple. Some have antidepressant qualities that have made me more focused, motivated and productive. I have far less pain, less isolation and have set reachable goals. I learned that sometimes when you want someone...anyone to help or at least acknowledge you...it doesn't happen. You have to "go it alone."
I now have better treatment, a better state of mind, a helluva lot more confidence and even a car! No tv but....oh well! HaHa. I made myself a promise that no matter how bad things seem or hurt, suicide was out of the question--I'll just keep living...and I always keep my promises.
May my "confession" help someone stay with us no matter what the circumstances. God Bless.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Old Lovers: Recurrence
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, I thought the word "recurrence" meant the return of the toxic disease. Lately, I have learned that "recurrence" can also refer to toxic people.
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is. One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M." God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze, explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is. One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M." God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze, explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Life Defining Moments
During "March Madness," I get nostalgic about sports and wonder, "what would have Life been like if....."
In the 1986 film 'Best of Times,' the late, great Robin Williams plays "Jack" the guy who literally "drops the ball in the big game." For years, he is tormented by that one moment he feels defined his life as a loser.. Not only do his fellow citizens join in with the torture, 'Jack' has the game on film and is seen playing and replaying that dropped pass. He's doomed. Can't 'get over' it. Then Darla, 'the hooker with a golden heart' whose heard more than enough about that night in their 'sessions,' challenges him by saying, "Play the game again." This leads to scheming and dreaming while marital problems face 'Jack' and his good friend, 'Reno Hightower' (great sports name, right?) played by Kurt Russell. Of course, the game is played again, our hero does catch the ball...scores...erases thirteen years of crap...couples reunite and everyone lives happily ever after. "Jack" got what I've heard some athletes say they wish they had...another chance to "make it right."
What if Bill Buckner landed that ball instead of it going between his legs? What if certain folks hadn't decided that THIS error cost the Red Sox a World Series? What if the sports broadcaster hadn't decided to turn the camera onto the fan in the Cubs cap and headphones forever declaring "Steve Bartman" guilty of fan interference, "causing" the complete meltdown of that team and rise of the Marlins?
These situations led to the brilliant series, "5 Reasons You Can't Blame..." by ESPN. It takes these myths and legends about games we have seen or heard of and tells the truth about each. Mr. Buckner didn't lose a World Series...he wasn't even the only one to blow a play in that game! Mr. Hartman wasn't the only fan going for the ball that night...we could've had another surname associated with "fan interference." Life-Defining Moments.
Then there's my personal favorite Life Defining Moment:
March Madness......
NCAA Tournament: North Carolina Tar Heels VS my Michigan Fab Five. (Grandma's from Detroit, made them my home team.) I might have been overconfident, so what? Well......
That night, I had two choices. #1. Stay home and watch Michigan win. #2. Go to a private party a few blocks away. Hmmmmmmm. I chose the party! Nothing "out of the ordinary" was going to happen between the Tar Heels and the Fab Five anyway, right?
As we all know, it was the "Chris Webber No Times Out Left Game" where folks erroneously blamed this kid and that single action for the Michigan loss and Tar Heel win. Ugh! I missed it!! I've often wondered what Life would have been like if the ref had called a "walk" on Webber as he started down the court that night? What if Michigan had won? What if I'd stayed home that night instead of going to that party? Would any of the people go back and change what happened to them on their "fateful" nights if they could? Though no athlete, my answer: No. The Party every time!
Why? It was a Life Defining Moment for me. While Michigan played North Carolina for the title, I was meeting the love of my life...and the future father of my son, Blake. Let's call it "One (Life Long) Shining Moment."
In the 1986 film 'Best of Times,' the late, great Robin Williams plays "Jack" the guy who literally "drops the ball in the big game." For years, he is tormented by that one moment he feels defined his life as a loser.. Not only do his fellow citizens join in with the torture, 'Jack' has the game on film and is seen playing and replaying that dropped pass. He's doomed. Can't 'get over' it. Then Darla, 'the hooker with a golden heart' whose heard more than enough about that night in their 'sessions,' challenges him by saying, "Play the game again." This leads to scheming and dreaming while marital problems face 'Jack' and his good friend, 'Reno Hightower' (great sports name, right?) played by Kurt Russell. Of course, the game is played again, our hero does catch the ball...scores...erases thirteen years of crap...couples reunite and everyone lives happily ever after. "Jack" got what I've heard some athletes say they wish they had...another chance to "make it right."
What if Bill Buckner landed that ball instead of it going between his legs? What if certain folks hadn't decided that THIS error cost the Red Sox a World Series? What if the sports broadcaster hadn't decided to turn the camera onto the fan in the Cubs cap and headphones forever declaring "Steve Bartman" guilty of fan interference, "causing" the complete meltdown of that team and rise of the Marlins?
These situations led to the brilliant series, "5 Reasons You Can't Blame..." by ESPN. It takes these myths and legends about games we have seen or heard of and tells the truth about each. Mr. Buckner didn't lose a World Series...he wasn't even the only one to blow a play in that game! Mr. Hartman wasn't the only fan going for the ball that night...we could've had another surname associated with "fan interference." Life-Defining Moments.
Then there's my personal favorite Life Defining Moment:
March Madness......
NCAA Tournament: North Carolina Tar Heels VS my Michigan Fab Five. (Grandma's from Detroit, made them my home team.) I might have been overconfident, so what? Well......
That night, I had two choices. #1. Stay home and watch Michigan win. #2. Go to a private party a few blocks away. Hmmmmmmm. I chose the party! Nothing "out of the ordinary" was going to happen between the Tar Heels and the Fab Five anyway, right?
As we all know, it was the "Chris Webber No Times Out Left Game" where folks erroneously blamed this kid and that single action for the Michigan loss and Tar Heel win. Ugh! I missed it!! I've often wondered what Life would have been like if the ref had called a "walk" on Webber as he started down the court that night? What if Michigan had won? What if I'd stayed home that night instead of going to that party? Would any of the people go back and change what happened to them on their "fateful" nights if they could? Though no athlete, my answer: No. The Party every time!
Why? It was a Life Defining Moment for me. While Michigan played North Carolina for the title, I was meeting the love of my life...and the future father of my son, Blake. Let's call it "One (Life Long) Shining Moment."
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Payday Loan Problems Part Duh!!
Never get a payday loan!
Since January, I have gotten DAILY phone calls and HOME visits from a payday loan company that we'll call "Wegional Finance." It's out of Knoxville, TN. Breast cancer took a great toll on my body, and my finances. I made the mistake of not ONLY getting a loan but falling behind. I owe 254 dollars--so far. I'm sure they'll be "unforeseen charges" to my account.
The more I try to work with them...the more they refuse to "treat this customer with courtesy." They dig in. They want ALL 254 in a MONEY ORDER. Not 1/2 the amount or even $200. It has to be the full 254.
Their reps come to my home...they call every day. When they come to my home...they refuse to take what I have to pay them! When they call...they demand the full amount and "just can't understand" how not having transportation at present is possible! "Get someone to bring you!" They say. Well, DUH!! If I could I would!
I talk to them to show effort on my part only to hear the same demands I've heard since this entire thing started. People say I'm crazy for talking to them...I guess they are right. I thought speaking with them showed effort on my part...it only gets me more harassment.
This past Wednesday, I got a letter claiming they "hadn't been able to reach" me. A blatant lie. I imagine they sent this to me and put it in "my file" so if any corporate type examined my file, it would appear I'd avoided them. I called them, spoke to "Pete" at "Wegional Finance" who claimed, "we send that t everyone. It's a 'form letter.' Makes us look like we're doing our jobs." OMG!!
I have always paid my bills like a responsible adult but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, some of my financial decisions were desperate and borderline foolish. But I never expected to be harassed on the phone and in person from a company claiming to "be 1st in customer service"! March 3 is the day I'll settle this "issue" for good but I bet those calls and visits will continue.
It reminds me of a scene from "Goodfellas" where the bar owner asked "Paulie" to go in with him as a full partner. As 'Henry Hill'(I'm paraphrasing) said, "It allowed Paulie to do whatever he wanted with the place and the guy still had to pay him. 'No money? F**k you, pay me".....etc.
I have complained to everyone that is supposed to look into customer complaints but just like that poor bar owner, I get either no help or an implied "F**k you. Pay them."
It's too late for me but maybe I can save one of you from making this mistake. Learn from me. If you're considering a payday loan....JUST SAY NO!!
Since January, I have gotten DAILY phone calls and HOME visits from a payday loan company that we'll call "Wegional Finance." It's out of Knoxville, TN. Breast cancer took a great toll on my body, and my finances. I made the mistake of not ONLY getting a loan but falling behind. I owe 254 dollars--so far. I'm sure they'll be "unforeseen charges" to my account.
The more I try to work with them...the more they refuse to "treat this customer with courtesy." They dig in. They want ALL 254 in a MONEY ORDER. Not 1/2 the amount or even $200. It has to be the full 254.
Their reps come to my home...they call every day. When they come to my home...they refuse to take what I have to pay them! When they call...they demand the full amount and "just can't understand" how not having transportation at present is possible! "Get someone to bring you!" They say. Well, DUH!! If I could I would!
I talk to them to show effort on my part only to hear the same demands I've heard since this entire thing started. People say I'm crazy for talking to them...I guess they are right. I thought speaking with them showed effort on my part...it only gets me more harassment.
This past Wednesday, I got a letter claiming they "hadn't been able to reach" me. A blatant lie. I imagine they sent this to me and put it in "my file" so if any corporate type examined my file, it would appear I'd avoided them. I called them, spoke to "Pete" at "Wegional Finance" who claimed, "we send that t everyone. It's a 'form letter.' Makes us look like we're doing our jobs." OMG!!
I have always paid my bills like a responsible adult but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, some of my financial decisions were desperate and borderline foolish. But I never expected to be harassed on the phone and in person from a company claiming to "be 1st in customer service"! March 3 is the day I'll settle this "issue" for good but I bet those calls and visits will continue.
It reminds me of a scene from "Goodfellas" where the bar owner asked "Paulie" to go in with him as a full partner. As 'Henry Hill'(I'm paraphrasing) said, "It allowed Paulie to do whatever he wanted with the place and the guy still had to pay him. 'No money? F**k you, pay me".....etc.
I have complained to everyone that is supposed to look into customer complaints but just like that poor bar owner, I get either no help or an implied "F**k you. Pay them."
It's too late for me but maybe I can save one of you from making this mistake. Learn from me. If you're considering a payday loan....JUST SAY NO!!
Monday, February 22, 2016
In Praise of My "Praising" Church
On the outside, my church looks like the tiny place of worship one sees in old movies or on Hallmark cards. Built in 1855, this church has been opening its doors to all who wish to enter. I consider myself a Catholic but there are no Catholic churches within 30 miles of where I live so I decided to "try" this little Southern Baptist church for my spiritual needs. I hate to admit it but I had already "judged" this place completely ignoring Matthew Chapter 7's "Judge not..." passages.
I was surprised initially by the pews, furnishings and displays. Beautiful. The inside looked far larger than the outside would lead you to believe. My next surprise was how many families I had known in high school still attended here. I rediscovered friends from that time and was amazed at how "we all had turned out." But the biggest surprise to me was this church's format or belief system. It's all love. Not a "do whatever you want" format but a "God is love" one.
I'll confess that I expected to be "preached at" and told how much of the old "dirty sinner" idea I was because of the Fall of Man. What I got was different and quite unexpected. The first thing I ever heard out of this pastor's mouth was, "Isn't it amazing how much God loves us?" Wait...what? God wasn't a mean old man perched on some throne just waiting for me to screw up something? He wasn't the ultimate perfectionist who hated men, women, gays and anyone who wasn't a "Christian"? Did this pastor have the same Bible everyone else had?
"MY" church has yet to condemn anyone...so far. I have to admit that I am still getting used to all this praise and positive messages. Now it's not what is being called a "prestige and prosperity" church where "God will make you rich if you just attend...and give to the collection." It's message is simple...LOVE and PRAISE...with the possible subtext of "actions speak louder than words."
This church has regular FREE meals to all who want them--member or non-member. Same with clothes, food pantries and almost any financial need one might face. While the Ten Commandments are displayed and expected to be followed, this church adheres to the passage that "the greatest of all these is love."
The message is God loves us, is our 'father' and wants the best for us...and just like if our earthly parents were like this...He is worthy of praise. The subtext, if you will, seems to be "faith without works is nothing." (I forget the exact verse right now,) Again, actions speak louder than words. Being a child of God doesn't mean you are better than anyone nor does it mean you have to "take crap off folks because you're Christian." Being a child of God doesn't mean you're a sap! It simply means you are loved, created in His image and valued--no matter who you are. He is worthy of praise.
I have to "confess" that I was...and at times still am surprised at this church's message. You mean there is nobody to hate? No one to look down on and judge? No 'magic' verse or prayer that will make me rich or make me whatever I want? No condemnation of this group or that group for being "an abomination"? What kind of church is this?????????????
It's Cedar Ford Baptist Church...a praising church.
I was surprised initially by the pews, furnishings and displays. Beautiful. The inside looked far larger than the outside would lead you to believe. My next surprise was how many families I had known in high school still attended here. I rediscovered friends from that time and was amazed at how "we all had turned out." But the biggest surprise to me was this church's format or belief system. It's all love. Not a "do whatever you want" format but a "God is love" one.
I'll confess that I expected to be "preached at" and told how much of the old "dirty sinner" idea I was because of the Fall of Man. What I got was different and quite unexpected. The first thing I ever heard out of this pastor's mouth was, "Isn't it amazing how much God loves us?" Wait...what? God wasn't a mean old man perched on some throne just waiting for me to screw up something? He wasn't the ultimate perfectionist who hated men, women, gays and anyone who wasn't a "Christian"? Did this pastor have the same Bible everyone else had?
"MY" church has yet to condemn anyone...so far. I have to admit that I am still getting used to all this praise and positive messages. Now it's not what is being called a "prestige and prosperity" church where "God will make you rich if you just attend...and give to the collection." It's message is simple...LOVE and PRAISE...with the possible subtext of "actions speak louder than words."
This church has regular FREE meals to all who want them--member or non-member. Same with clothes, food pantries and almost any financial need one might face. While the Ten Commandments are displayed and expected to be followed, this church adheres to the passage that "the greatest of all these is love."
The message is God loves us, is our 'father' and wants the best for us...and just like if our earthly parents were like this...He is worthy of praise. The subtext, if you will, seems to be "faith without works is nothing." (I forget the exact verse right now,) Again, actions speak louder than words. Being a child of God doesn't mean you are better than anyone nor does it mean you have to "take crap off folks because you're Christian." Being a child of God doesn't mean you're a sap! It simply means you are loved, created in His image and valued--no matter who you are. He is worthy of praise.
I have to "confess" that I was...and at times still am surprised at this church's message. You mean there is nobody to hate? No one to look down on and judge? No 'magic' verse or prayer that will make me rich or make me whatever I want? No condemnation of this group or that group for being "an abomination"? What kind of church is this?????????????
It's Cedar Ford Baptist Church...a praising church.
The Basic Need of Safety
"Kiss your girls tonight and love them." That was what I'd overhear my home healthcare patient's wife tell their son. This married father of three little girls would call his mother every night and at the end of each call, his mother would say those seven words. I thought it was strange. Maybe it was just a unique "sign-off" but it stuck with me. I didn't know why at first but then I realized what she was trying to convey and what my life and always lacked. Safety. In essence, this lady was telling her son to make those little girls know and feel that they are forever loved--and safe.
After basic physical needs like food, water and sleep etc., Abraham Maslow listed "Safety" as a basic need essential for every human being. Being physically safe is paramount but we also must have the psychological safety. We must know that we are full and wanted members of the human race and have the freedom to move through this world without fear of the world falling apart and having to face it all alone.
I was that 60's "Love Child" Diana Ross was referring to in her song of the same name. "We'll only end up hating, the child we may be creating...." she told her potential lover. She wanted to prevent the same shame and "less than" life she'd had being inflicted on another child. As a 'love child,' and a girl, I was supposed to be forever beholding to my maternal grandmother for the proverbial "roof over my head" and nothing else. I was a mistake, a source of shame and "deserving of nothing." A child without the basic need of financial and psychological security grows up with the subconscious fear of abandonment, ruin and the feeling of never belonging anywhere or to anyone. We are the "mistake kids." At times, I felt there was an asterisk attached to my name preventing me from having, getting or even deserving things that others consider 'normal.' For example, just recently I went to our local library. A friend of mine is one of the librarians and I went to her desk and said, "Hey, I'm here to bum some books." She looked at me funny and said, "You DO know you're allowed to check out books, right?" I was stunned. The failure to secure my basic need of safety plagued my entire life. I catch myself at times saying, "I'm in the way" or "I don't mean to bother you" etc., for no reason except it's my personal demon...even at the library!
My granddaughter will be 2 in March and I try to emphasize how vital it is that my son makes her feel not only loved but safe. She must never have to move from place to place, attend various different schools, feel OR be told she is "in the way." His particular situation includes three children from two different fathers (yep) my son is daddy number three to baby number four and the verbally/physically abusive mother of them all in some sort of drama on a daily basis. He doesn't quite get the significance of psychological safety because I raised him the OPPOSITE of how my grandma raised me. I may have overcompensated but he had the same home his entire life. He went to the same school/high school and he was a "full member" of his neighborhood and the world. He grew up with a "safety net" ME. He must always be that for his daughter!
It's probably too late for me to fill in the "hole in my heart" and finally feel safe, loved and wanted but maybe I can help anyone reading this. After physical needs, you must learn to feel/be safe. You deserve to be here. You are safe to "f**k up" now and again. You are worthy and you have a place. A safe place. The Human Race. Welcome!
After basic physical needs like food, water and sleep etc., Abraham Maslow listed "Safety" as a basic need essential for every human being. Being physically safe is paramount but we also must have the psychological safety. We must know that we are full and wanted members of the human race and have the freedom to move through this world without fear of the world falling apart and having to face it all alone.
I was that 60's "Love Child" Diana Ross was referring to in her song of the same name. "We'll only end up hating, the child we may be creating...." she told her potential lover. She wanted to prevent the same shame and "less than" life she'd had being inflicted on another child. As a 'love child,' and a girl, I was supposed to be forever beholding to my maternal grandmother for the proverbial "roof over my head" and nothing else. I was a mistake, a source of shame and "deserving of nothing." A child without the basic need of financial and psychological security grows up with the subconscious fear of abandonment, ruin and the feeling of never belonging anywhere or to anyone. We are the "mistake kids." At times, I felt there was an asterisk attached to my name preventing me from having, getting or even deserving things that others consider 'normal.' For example, just recently I went to our local library. A friend of mine is one of the librarians and I went to her desk and said, "Hey, I'm here to bum some books." She looked at me funny and said, "You DO know you're allowed to check out books, right?" I was stunned. The failure to secure my basic need of safety plagued my entire life. I catch myself at times saying, "I'm in the way" or "I don't mean to bother you" etc., for no reason except it's my personal demon...even at the library!
My granddaughter will be 2 in March and I try to emphasize how vital it is that my son makes her feel not only loved but safe. She must never have to move from place to place, attend various different schools, feel OR be told she is "in the way." His particular situation includes three children from two different fathers (yep) my son is daddy number three to baby number four and the verbally/physically abusive mother of them all in some sort of drama on a daily basis. He doesn't quite get the significance of psychological safety because I raised him the OPPOSITE of how my grandma raised me. I may have overcompensated but he had the same home his entire life. He went to the same school/high school and he was a "full member" of his neighborhood and the world. He grew up with a "safety net" ME. He must always be that for his daughter!
It's probably too late for me to fill in the "hole in my heart" and finally feel safe, loved and wanted but maybe I can help anyone reading this. After physical needs, you must learn to feel/be safe. You deserve to be here. You are safe to "f**k up" now and again. You are worthy and you have a place. A safe place. The Human Race. Welcome!
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Old Lovers...Conclusion & Confession
It took me 8 months to accept Mike's...real name not 'Rick.' friend request. My concerns were. Was he in touch with my abusive ex-hubby trying to locate me? Was it really Mike from 30 years ago? Isn't he married? Why is he contacting me? After all those thoughts, I clicked the 'confirm' button and said to myself "What's the worst that can happen?"
Mike and I texted back and forth. Facebook or telephone. Late night texts began to get sexual. I guess I was his "Sext-tress." It lasted for 8 months, too. I never took anything he texted seriously especially those plans to meet and f**k. Funny thing was, I never let him know where I lived so every time he made "plans" I just rolled my eyes. I could barely live with the fact that I was secretly 'sexting' a married man but I rationalized it by saying, "That's just Mike." The way I saw it, I was talking to the Mike I knew in college...not the 57 year old married grandfather of today. I was wrong.
"I love you." "I miss you." "I want to be with you." "We'll be together soon." You know...all the married man lines. I never believed a thing he said but I was giving it just as well as I was getting it.
Soon, the text got fewer from him and I was finding myself texting him first more often. Needless to say, it was getting old. I started wishing to God that I had never confirmed his friend request in the first place.
Monday I sent him a "call me" text that went without a reply. Thursday, I texted him and he immediately responded with an "I miss you." I thought 'how'? We've seen each other once in 30 years! How could he miss me?
He then called and he said he was busy but he'd call me between 4pm/5pm. Needless to say...he never called. Secretly, I was relieved. I texted him and told him he was too busy and I didn't fit in his life anyway because he was married! "But you are important to me" he responded to which I replied "Actions speak louder than words...but I'll always love you."
"Okay...love you, too." Then I decided I was done with all this Lifetime movie crap and wrote, "Do you want me to stop texting you?" No reply. I asked that question two more times and still got no reply. Ridiculous, right? Of course it was.
Even though I didn't want to lose his friendship, I realized we didn't have a friendship. We were playing a stupid game...it was wrong...and he'd never end it, so I did.
The next day I ended it by promising never to text him ever again. Still no response. Big deal.
Okay...I sort of hoped he'd respond but that was just my "fear of abandonment" issue talking. I even thought of Faith Hill's song "Cry." But I was just being stupid. I'm not anymore...I'm done!
I really feel badly about violating my #1 rule of "No married men." but it was 'good old Christian Mike.' what was the worst that can happen?
I learned that no matter how nice a guy is/was...married means "No." I just wanted an old friend from college. But that guy doesn't exist anymore. The exchanges were fun at first. I knew I NEVER wanted him to leave his wife. They never do 9 times out of 10 anyway. It was just something to look forward to while I was going thru breast cancer. No more. None. Done. Sure, I've prayed for a special man to come into my life but then I read: "God will NEVER send you another woman's husband."
And the People of God said, "AMEN!"
Mike and I texted back and forth. Facebook or telephone. Late night texts began to get sexual. I guess I was his "Sext-tress." It lasted for 8 months, too. I never took anything he texted seriously especially those plans to meet and f**k. Funny thing was, I never let him know where I lived so every time he made "plans" I just rolled my eyes. I could barely live with the fact that I was secretly 'sexting' a married man but I rationalized it by saying, "That's just Mike." The way I saw it, I was talking to the Mike I knew in college...not the 57 year old married grandfather of today. I was wrong.
"I love you." "I miss you." "I want to be with you." "We'll be together soon." You know...all the married man lines. I never believed a thing he said but I was giving it just as well as I was getting it.
Soon, the text got fewer from him and I was finding myself texting him first more often. Needless to say, it was getting old. I started wishing to God that I had never confirmed his friend request in the first place.
Monday I sent him a "call me" text that went without a reply. Thursday, I texted him and he immediately responded with an "I miss you." I thought 'how'? We've seen each other once in 30 years! How could he miss me?
He then called and he said he was busy but he'd call me between 4pm/5pm. Needless to say...he never called. Secretly, I was relieved. I texted him and told him he was too busy and I didn't fit in his life anyway because he was married! "But you are important to me" he responded to which I replied "Actions speak louder than words...but I'll always love you."
"Okay...love you, too." Then I decided I was done with all this Lifetime movie crap and wrote, "Do you want me to stop texting you?" No reply. I asked that question two more times and still got no reply. Ridiculous, right? Of course it was.
Even though I didn't want to lose his friendship, I realized we didn't have a friendship. We were playing a stupid game...it was wrong...and he'd never end it, so I did.
The next day I ended it by promising never to text him ever again. Still no response. Big deal.
Okay...I sort of hoped he'd respond but that was just my "fear of abandonment" issue talking. I even thought of Faith Hill's song "Cry." But I was just being stupid. I'm not anymore...I'm done!
I really feel badly about violating my #1 rule of "No married men." but it was 'good old Christian Mike.' what was the worst that can happen?
I learned that no matter how nice a guy is/was...married means "No." I just wanted an old friend from college. But that guy doesn't exist anymore. The exchanges were fun at first. I knew I NEVER wanted him to leave his wife. They never do 9 times out of 10 anyway. It was just something to look forward to while I was going thru breast cancer. No more. None. Done. Sure, I've prayed for a special man to come into my life but then I read: "God will NEVER send you another woman's husband."
And the People of God said, "AMEN!"
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Buyer and "Survey Taker" Beware
I like taking surveys...yep...I think my opinion is worth something. On Dec. 7 od 2015, I took a survey on which programs I watch and those I do not. At the end of the survey I see, "For your participation you are eligible for the following....." Now being a breast cancer patient, the only thing that appealed to me was a skin cream priced at $1.95. So I ordered it. If it is as good as they claim, I might order more. What I didn't know was by buying this product at $1.95, I would be billed 99 dollars per month until I closed "my account."
This is a scam I ashamedly fell for. Now I have to have my debit/credit care changed, dispute this charge at my bank and have to go TO my bank to get my money back. At present, I have no transportation...but I will have sometime soon.
I called the company who issued the charge and she said that "taking part in the survey and taking a product offer 'gave them permission to bill my account every month until I call them to cancel my so-called membership. She also kept telling me of the "tremendous benefit of the DERMASCLARA cream and 'kit' that I had received. This "kit" is a 1/2oz squeeze bottle of cream that doesn't seem to be any more than a watered down Oil of Olay.
This stupid mistake of mine now results in a closed debt card, being issued a new card that will arrive between 7-10 days...which I understand. Then I must get a ride over to my bank to sign a "disputed charge form" while the spokesperson at the cosmetics company refuses to discontinue this "monthly shipment.
I told her repeatedly that I do not want the product but she just kept saying "Have a Nice Day."
So because I was stupid enough to "grab that bargain" they "grabbed me right back claiming the charge can/will go up to $99 per month." I'm NOT paying it. My bank is working with me to get this settled.
"Live and Learn" as my grandma used to say. I certainly have this time.
Even though I explained to her my "one-time offer" was to be exactly that...a "one time offer" I got tricked into monthly shipment of a nicely packaged but worthless product.
So Readers: Do not make the same stupid mistake I did. Vanity probably won over because when you are a cancer patient you see yourself as ugly, at times scaly and would like a little help. So I ordered the $1.95 cream as "reward for my survey participation" but am now apparently on the hook for monthly shipments!
Don't be a fool like I was. If you are offered a product from a survey you've taken, get someone on the line to ensure that the product you ordered is all you will get and not a recurring charge and shipment you hadn't wanted.
Trying to cover up some chemo skin got me into this mess....I'm just hoping to stop someone else from being a fool!
Buyer and "Survey Taker" Beware!!!
God Bless
This is a scam I ashamedly fell for. Now I have to have my debit/credit care changed, dispute this charge at my bank and have to go TO my bank to get my money back. At present, I have no transportation...but I will have sometime soon.
I called the company who issued the charge and she said that "taking part in the survey and taking a product offer 'gave them permission to bill my account every month until I call them to cancel my so-called membership. She also kept telling me of the "tremendous benefit of the DERMASCLARA cream and 'kit' that I had received. This "kit" is a 1/2oz squeeze bottle of cream that doesn't seem to be any more than a watered down Oil of Olay.
This stupid mistake of mine now results in a closed debt card, being issued a new card that will arrive between 7-10 days...which I understand. Then I must get a ride over to my bank to sign a "disputed charge form" while the spokesperson at the cosmetics company refuses to discontinue this "monthly shipment.
I told her repeatedly that I do not want the product but she just kept saying "Have a Nice Day."
So because I was stupid enough to "grab that bargain" they "grabbed me right back claiming the charge can/will go up to $99 per month." I'm NOT paying it. My bank is working with me to get this settled.
"Live and Learn" as my grandma used to say. I certainly have this time.
Even though I explained to her my "one-time offer" was to be exactly that...a "one time offer" I got tricked into monthly shipment of a nicely packaged but worthless product.
So Readers: Do not make the same stupid mistake I did. Vanity probably won over because when you are a cancer patient you see yourself as ugly, at times scaly and would like a little help. So I ordered the $1.95 cream as "reward for my survey participation" but am now apparently on the hook for monthly shipments!
Don't be a fool like I was. If you are offered a product from a survey you've taken, get someone on the line to ensure that the product you ordered is all you will get and not a recurring charge and shipment you hadn't wanted.
Trying to cover up some chemo skin got me into this mess....I'm just hoping to stop someone else from being a fool!
Buyer and "Survey Taker" Beware!!!
God Bless
Monday, January 4, 2016
Medical Update: Conditions Are Deceiving
Just wanted everyone to know what Stage III Breast Cancer looks like! Years ago I heard the actress, Kitty Carlise say that she wrote "I Forgive You" and "It wasn't your fault." on her bathroom mirror for comfort and consolation to what ever Life had brought her that day. I adopted that and many, many times it raised my spirit and my drive to beat Breast Cancer! How do you think I'm doing, Readers?
With Love,
Dyane Lody
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