Featured Post

Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Old Lovers: Recurrence

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, I thought the word "recurrence" meant the return of the toxic disease. Lately, I have learned that "recurrence" can also refer to toxic people.
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is.  One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M."  God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message  read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze,  explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!


  1. I'm mailing you something soon......ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. Sorry, I fell asleep there.

    1. Can hardly wait to see what you mail me. Nice gesture. Thank you 'Mous or should I call you "Muse"?