Damn, you don't know what it's been like to have so much stuff on your mind, advice to give away and be completely locked out and kept away from YOU!!! I know it's not "good form" to give my readers any updates but...just between you and me? I've not been doing too well...or too badly if I'm being honest!
Health-wise, I am still in remission from breast cancer (applause! applause!) my oncologist has decided to move with her family to California (sniff! sniff!) I'm doing great (applause! applause!) but I did break my left knee in June (f**k! f**k!) .....but I'm much better now!
The problem really began when I started...or thought I had...started having troubles with my good friend 'computer' here. Then like millions of men...and some ladies, too but for right now, I'm picking on the boys....I decided to trade my 'old girl' for a 'new girl.' Oh come on, you how it is. You take what you got for granted, seeing every little fault that never bothered you before and then you get dazzled by the "new and improved," "younger and softer," "easier to deal with," model...can't get her out of your mind so you sneak out and get next to that new fine piece of machinery--while your old companion is "getting some work done"!
You don't even bother to check on your old girl because your new toy is showing you things the other one just "wasn't equip" to handle. You never dreamed certain things were even possible! Wow! Welcome to the Land of...........
Wait. Wait. I kinda, sorta miss being with my old computer/companion. I mean, 'she' was my first and 'she' introduced me to "personal" computers and "she" showed me how to BLOG!! What had I done?????
I dumped that new model, went back to my first love who by the way, didn't need anything major done at all! I was sooooooooo happy to be reunited!!! All was right in the world again and all was forgiven.
Well,
For "running around with another computer," it has taken me nearly the entire summer to get back to you and my readers...if I still have any. My old computer had me pressing this button, going to this site, that site, screaming, crying, begging forgiveness--the whole bit and JUST when I was ready to accept that things would never be the same again "She" forgave me; revealed the things I needed to know and put me back in touch with you readers like an adulterous hubby returning to his wife and "kids." Thank God!!
Just in time too, have you guys seen who they've gotten to run for PRESIDENT this election year??
Monday, September 19, 2016
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Fractured Life...at the Moment
Last week, I did something only I could do. I broke my left knee. I sort of "saw it coming" because I knew it was not good form to sit with my left leg under my butt while watching TV. Oh, but it was so comfortable... Anyway, little by little, I started feeling pains in my left leg and I knew. Big deal. Give it a couple of rubs of whatever is the big selling analgesic and I'll be fine.
A couple of days later, the pain got worse so I thought I'd just turn off the TV and go to bed. I got up from my chair and took one step with my left leg and heard/felt the biggest "POP" ever! I immediately couldn't use my left leg and slithered back towards my chair. I saw my cell phone about two feet beyond my reach and managed to throw my belt at it and slowly bring my phone to me. I know, I know...at this moment I'm thinking "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" but like those people on TV, I didn't have anyone to yell to either!
Thankfully, I was able to call my next door neighbor Jessica. She's been friendly to me ever since she moved in and I was hoping she wasn't going to mind the incredible imposition I was about to try and hand her. I called her and before I could even get the words completely out of my mouth, she was standing in my living room--still on her phone with me!!
She rushed me to a local ER where they did x-rays but couldn't tell me what they showed. What? All they really did was give me an immobilizer for my leg, told me to keep it iced and gave me the number of "some wonderful orthopedic surgeons." In the "old days" a person with broken bones were kept in the ER for hours waiting for the orthopedic doctor to get there, prep one or surgery and take care of business. Not now!
I was graciously escorted outside via wheelchair to wait for Jessica to pull up to the patient pick-up so I could go back home. Oh yeah, I got a nifty pair of crutches as another parting gift! On the way home, I realized that I as probably in more danger at home with this fracture than I was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd have to learn how to walk on crutches, maneuver around my messy home and do all of the activities of daily living all by myself. Well, now I have a friend who is willing to help me...Jessica.
Once again, all my plans are at a standstill. Can't go to church, couldn't go to Bible school, can't go to yoga classes, can't do my volunteer work...none of it!! I have to be careful, follow orders and hope I get "back to normal" in less than the four to six weeks they tell me it will take.
I'll tell you one thing, this FOMO thing I keep hearing about...is starting to become real to me. I never really took my life for granted but I'm certainly missing stuff now!
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad. It certainly could've been worse and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have a friend that will drop nearly everything to come to the aid of not only me but others. Jessica is a rarity.
But I'll be fine as long as I stay out of my own way, do what I'm told and have plenty of books to read! I was hoping to put on my dancing shoes July 1st--my birthday--but I guess I'll just have sit and "put my crutches in the air...and wave 'em like I just don't care"! Gotta find some humor in this, right?
So instead of saying "Have a great day," in honor of this past weeks' Tony Awards, I'll just say "break a leg!" I DID!!!
A couple of days later, the pain got worse so I thought I'd just turn off the TV and go to bed. I got up from my chair and took one step with my left leg and heard/felt the biggest "POP" ever! I immediately couldn't use my left leg and slithered back towards my chair. I saw my cell phone about two feet beyond my reach and managed to throw my belt at it and slowly bring my phone to me. I know, I know...at this moment I'm thinking "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" but like those people on TV, I didn't have anyone to yell to either!
Thankfully, I was able to call my next door neighbor Jessica. She's been friendly to me ever since she moved in and I was hoping she wasn't going to mind the incredible imposition I was about to try and hand her. I called her and before I could even get the words completely out of my mouth, she was standing in my living room--still on her phone with me!!
She rushed me to a local ER where they did x-rays but couldn't tell me what they showed. What? All they really did was give me an immobilizer for my leg, told me to keep it iced and gave me the number of "some wonderful orthopedic surgeons." In the "old days" a person with broken bones were kept in the ER for hours waiting for the orthopedic doctor to get there, prep one or surgery and take care of business. Not now!
I was graciously escorted outside via wheelchair to wait for Jessica to pull up to the patient pick-up so I could go back home. Oh yeah, I got a nifty pair of crutches as another parting gift! On the way home, I realized that I as probably in more danger at home with this fracture than I was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd have to learn how to walk on crutches, maneuver around my messy home and do all of the activities of daily living all by myself. Well, now I have a friend who is willing to help me...Jessica.
Once again, all my plans are at a standstill. Can't go to church, couldn't go to Bible school, can't go to yoga classes, can't do my volunteer work...none of it!! I have to be careful, follow orders and hope I get "back to normal" in less than the four to six weeks they tell me it will take.
I'll tell you one thing, this FOMO thing I keep hearing about...is starting to become real to me. I never really took my life for granted but I'm certainly missing stuff now!
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't so bad. It certainly could've been worse and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that I have a friend that will drop nearly everything to come to the aid of not only me but others. Jessica is a rarity.
But I'll be fine as long as I stay out of my own way, do what I'm told and have plenty of books to read! I was hoping to put on my dancing shoes July 1st--my birthday--but I guess I'll just have sit and "put my crutches in the air...and wave 'em like I just don't care"! Gotta find some humor in this, right?
So instead of saying "Have a great day," in honor of this past weeks' Tony Awards, I'll just say "break a leg!" I DID!!!
Monday, May 30, 2016
Law & Order CPU (Cell Phone Unit)
Pilot: One sister accuses the other of destroying "Nana's" cell phone. (I don't know how I would accurately write that well-known set of tones loyal viewers hear when an episode of 'L & O' starts.)
Final Scene: Summations
D.A.: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'll be brief. The defendant confessed to the crime so therefore, you must come back with a "Guilty" verdict. Thank you."
Defense: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this case isn't the 'crime, confession, guilty' one the D.A. would have you believe it is. This goes deeper. This case is one that is as old as Cain and Able. Jealousy, manipulation and destruction.
The facts are these. Nana's phone was connected to the charger and was lying on the floor. About an hour later, Nana went to pick up the phone and found it disconnected from the charger and wet, as the prosecution's star witness, Miss Julie Reins said. But what Miss Reins didn't say was that the phone was lying right next to the charger and not reconnected. What does this mean? First, it means that someone had disconnected the phone, gotten it wet and placed it on the floor beside the charger without reconnecting because they knew what might happen if they plugged in a wet phone. The defendant isn't capable of knowing such consequences.
For my client to have committed this crime, she would've had to disconnect the phone, throw it into the toilet--as her accuser claims--retrieve it and carefully lay it next to the still plugged in charger's prong from which she had supposedly taken it. Impossible. Why? Because my client was in fact. in the laundry room with Nana while this crime was being committed. Oh, but my client confessed. Yes, she did. Let's go over her confession.
"Julie: Did you throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"The defendant, Zaya Reins: Yeah."
"Julie: Did you mean to throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah." But ladies and gentlemen, you didn't hear the rest of my client's so-called confession.
After this exchange, Nana herself asks, "Zaya, did you throw my phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Did you drive my car to work today?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Okay. Zaya, did you kill Kennedy?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Not much of a slam dunk confession the prosecution thought it was, wouldn't you say? One thing was never discussed. How is it that the defendant's sister knew where the phone had been thrown? How did she know it had been 'thrown' into anything at all? But most importantly, how is it that my client could be in the laundry room with the victim of this crime AND destroy her phone at the exact same time? No one, not even Zaya can do that. The defense concludes that it was not Zaya but her very own sister Julie, who cooked this whole scheme up with the intention of replacing her younger sister as 'the highly favored sister' thus moving herself into that position. As with Cain, Julie was not her SISTER'S keeper but her accuser. Therefore, you must return with a verdict of 'not guilty.' Thank you. Defense rests, Your Honor."
The jury returns. "Madame foreman, have you reached a verdict?"
Foreman: "Yes we have, Your Honor. In the case of 2 year old, Zaya Reins, we the jury find the defendant, 'not guilty'."
Roll credits. Coming to NBC this fall.......LOL
Final Scene: Summations
D.A.: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'll be brief. The defendant confessed to the crime so therefore, you must come back with a "Guilty" verdict. Thank you."
Defense: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this case isn't the 'crime, confession, guilty' one the D.A. would have you believe it is. This goes deeper. This case is one that is as old as Cain and Able. Jealousy, manipulation and destruction.
The facts are these. Nana's phone was connected to the charger and was lying on the floor. About an hour later, Nana went to pick up the phone and found it disconnected from the charger and wet, as the prosecution's star witness, Miss Julie Reins said. But what Miss Reins didn't say was that the phone was lying right next to the charger and not reconnected. What does this mean? First, it means that someone had disconnected the phone, gotten it wet and placed it on the floor beside the charger without reconnecting because they knew what might happen if they plugged in a wet phone. The defendant isn't capable of knowing such consequences.
For my client to have committed this crime, she would've had to disconnect the phone, throw it into the toilet--as her accuser claims--retrieve it and carefully lay it next to the still plugged in charger's prong from which she had supposedly taken it. Impossible. Why? Because my client was in fact. in the laundry room with Nana while this crime was being committed. Oh, but my client confessed. Yes, she did. Let's go over her confession.
"Julie: Did you throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"The defendant, Zaya Reins: Yeah."
"Julie: Did you mean to throw Nana's phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah." But ladies and gentlemen, you didn't hear the rest of my client's so-called confession.
After this exchange, Nana herself asks, "Zaya, did you throw my phone in the toilet?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Did you drive my car to work today?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Nana: Okay. Zaya, did you kill Kennedy?"
"Zaya: Yeah."
"Not much of a slam dunk confession the prosecution thought it was, wouldn't you say? One thing was never discussed. How is it that the defendant's sister knew where the phone had been thrown? How did she know it had been 'thrown' into anything at all? But most importantly, how is it that my client could be in the laundry room with the victim of this crime AND destroy her phone at the exact same time? No one, not even Zaya can do that. The defense concludes that it was not Zaya but her very own sister Julie, who cooked this whole scheme up with the intention of replacing her younger sister as 'the highly favored sister' thus moving herself into that position. As with Cain, Julie was not her SISTER'S keeper but her accuser. Therefore, you must return with a verdict of 'not guilty.' Thank you. Defense rests, Your Honor."
The jury returns. "Madame foreman, have you reached a verdict?"
Foreman: "Yes we have, Your Honor. In the case of 2 year old, Zaya Reins, we the jury find the defendant, 'not guilty'."
Roll credits. Coming to NBC this fall.......LOL
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Verizon Better Customer Service? Not On A Holiday Weekend!
My pre-paid Verizon phone stopped working yesterday and using someone else's phone, I called for support and a wonderful lady named Debbie told me to go to my nearest Authorized Dealer. "They'll be happy to help." So I did.......
I go to the store and was surprised that their parking lot was empty. The only reason I did go in was the "OPEN" sign was working. I go in and was met by a very large, bald man with no name tag.
"How can I help you" he asked.
"Something is wrong with my phone." He the takes the phone from my hand, looked at it and said, "It's got water in it."
"Ok," I said, "I need another phone with the same phone number because I am a breast cancer patient and I need to be able to get in touch with my doctors and vice versa."
"We can't do that." he said.
"I was told you could transfer my number, photos and videos to another phone."
"Well, we can't. Now you just had a pre-paid...well, I can sell you another one for 90 bucks. That's about it." he said.
"So it's just a myth that I can get another phone with my same number....." I began but he interrupted me by saying, "No, none of that is true." Wow!
This entire exchange took about seven minutes and then I was driving myself back home. Very upset and a bit bewildered, I used another phone and called Verizon Support and told this tale to another wonderful lady named "Bethany."
"Bethany" informed me that a lot of my treatment was the result of 1) Holiday weekend 2) I'm a woman 3) I went to the store without a male companion 4) The male's attitude was based on his judgment of whether or not he could "make that sale." Incidentally, she told me that this man had LIED about being unable to transfer numbers, photos and videos. Then, she told me to GO TO WAL-MART, where they could/would help me. I was sort of stunned that a phone support rep would tell me to by pass the authorized dealer centers and get a phone from WAL-MART!
Fact remains, I am without a phone. Luckily, this long weekend holiday means minimal need of a phone unless there's an emergency. I don't know what I'd do but hopefully, no emergency will occur.
I understand that feeling of "Oh my gosh, here comes a customer and I have plans" but at least this particular "representative" can get you out of his store in under ten minutes!!!
I do appreciate the fact that "Bethany" told me "That man lied to your face." Unusual, right? I'm used to employees backing each other/explaining away incidents/blaming the victim-for lack of a better word. Not this one.
It takes a rare breed of person who has to listen to complaints from customers like me. She listened, gave me some valuable insight on Verizon stores, told me the rep had lied and as I said, told me to go to WAL-MART.
We'll see but for now, I'm going to get over my encounter and see what life is like without a phone...sort of have to at present!! 1 think I'll change my focus from this incident and put it on Memorial Day weekend, what it means and honor as best I can, the men and women who served and currently serve our country.
Have A Safe Memorial Day Weekend
I go to the store and was surprised that their parking lot was empty. The only reason I did go in was the "OPEN" sign was working. I go in and was met by a very large, bald man with no name tag.
"How can I help you" he asked.
"Something is wrong with my phone." He the takes the phone from my hand, looked at it and said, "It's got water in it."
"Ok," I said, "I need another phone with the same phone number because I am a breast cancer patient and I need to be able to get in touch with my doctors and vice versa."
"We can't do that." he said.
"I was told you could transfer my number, photos and videos to another phone."
"Well, we can't. Now you just had a pre-paid...well, I can sell you another one for 90 bucks. That's about it." he said.
"So it's just a myth that I can get another phone with my same number....." I began but he interrupted me by saying, "No, none of that is true." Wow!
This entire exchange took about seven minutes and then I was driving myself back home. Very upset and a bit bewildered, I used another phone and called Verizon Support and told this tale to another wonderful lady named "Bethany."
"Bethany" informed me that a lot of my treatment was the result of 1) Holiday weekend 2) I'm a woman 3) I went to the store without a male companion 4) The male's attitude was based on his judgment of whether or not he could "make that sale." Incidentally, she told me that this man had LIED about being unable to transfer numbers, photos and videos. Then, she told me to GO TO WAL-MART, where they could/would help me. I was sort of stunned that a phone support rep would tell me to by pass the authorized dealer centers and get a phone from WAL-MART!
Fact remains, I am without a phone. Luckily, this long weekend holiday means minimal need of a phone unless there's an emergency. I don't know what I'd do but hopefully, no emergency will occur.
I understand that feeling of "Oh my gosh, here comes a customer and I have plans" but at least this particular "representative" can get you out of his store in under ten minutes!!!
I do appreciate the fact that "Bethany" told me "That man lied to your face." Unusual, right? I'm used to employees backing each other/explaining away incidents/blaming the victim-for lack of a better word. Not this one.
It takes a rare breed of person who has to listen to complaints from customers like me. She listened, gave me some valuable insight on Verizon stores, told me the rep had lied and as I said, told me to go to WAL-MART.
We'll see but for now, I'm going to get over my encounter and see what life is like without a phone...sort of have to at present!! 1 think I'll change my focus from this incident and put it on Memorial Day weekend, what it means and honor as best I can, the men and women who served and currently serve our country.
Have A Safe Memorial Day Weekend
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Value YOUR Mother (update)
It's that time of year again when we are reminded of how important our mother is and how we should honor her blah, blah, blah. I happen to be one of those who never knew the pleasure of having a mother. Oh, I had a "bio" mom (Alice) but when "bio" dad dumped her after she told him I was on the way--she blamed me for ruining her 'happily ever after,' then split...leaving me with HER mother. So I grew up "knowing" I wasn't wanted and would never be able to "earn" my place here on Earth.
What must it be like to subconsciously know that no matter what, Mom loves you? That she's there for you? That she's proud of you? And feel the same about her?
Her hatred? I understood it. I had ruined her life. She told me so as often as she could. "God must've really wanted you here-because I tried every way in the world to get rid of you. But you got born anyway." she said. I was a child and no matter what you do/say to a child, they'll always see some good in you. We learned that from Anne Frank. "She really doesn't mean it." I told myself.
For a long time, I did feel guilty for being a straight A student, cheerleader from 4th grade to 12th, putting myself through nursing school, becoming all the things I ever dreamed of while "Mom" never really had a shot. Truth be told, I did all those things thinking she'd "wake up" then she and I would have "happily ever after" Mother/Daughter style.
Last year, I was sitting in church listening to the pastor praise motherhood and what a godly honor it was to be someone's mother. As I looked around, I saw family, family, family...then me. I resorted to the statement I've always held in my heart..."God must think you're pretty special to put you down here all by yourself." Then I decided to end this thing between Alice and me. So I went to see her.
She chose to live in a nursing home after a few falls, "mishaps" and numerous displays of what doctors call "strategic helplessness." When I arrived, it was like when Caleb met his mother in the classic novel "East of Eden." Alice is now an old, arthritic, bitter bitch that I barely recognized, living in a wheelchair.
"Hello." I said.
"Who the fuck are you?" she asked.
"Oh, I'm just someone you used to know." I answered. "I brought you something. It's Mother's Day." I added. Then I handed her a single red rose in a glass vase draped in white ribbon with the words, "I forgive you" written on the card attached. She looked at it, reached for it with the claw she now has for a left hand, looked at the card and I said, "The card says, 'I forgive you.'"
She looked at me and asked, "How's Blake (her grandson) and the baby (her great-granddaughter)?" So much for that Alzheimer's disease the nursing home claims she has.
"They're fine." I said. "Goodbye." Then I left. Closure.
That's been nearly a year ago and rarely, have I even thought of her. I pay her nursing home bill and her burial insurance premiums and that's all. That's plenty.
If nothing else, let me be someone you're glad you're not. Let me make you thankful your mother was not like mine. You know what a mother's love is and I don't. No pity needed here, Just promise me that you'll value YOUR mother and praise her for something they call "unconditional love." I feel I have it for my son and my granddaughter but without an example, I'm hoping I'm doing it correctly.
The hard truth is...some women aren't meant to be mothers. Mine wasn't.
I envy everyone of you blessed with a mother who saw her child as a blessing and not a curse. Spend time with your mother, love her, adore her and thank God for her. VALUE her as she valued YOU!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
What must it be like to subconsciously know that no matter what, Mom loves you? That she's there for you? That she's proud of you? And feel the same about her?
Her hatred? I understood it. I had ruined her life. She told me so as often as she could. "God must've really wanted you here-because I tried every way in the world to get rid of you. But you got born anyway." she said. I was a child and no matter what you do/say to a child, they'll always see some good in you. We learned that from Anne Frank. "She really doesn't mean it." I told myself.
For a long time, I did feel guilty for being a straight A student, cheerleader from 4th grade to 12th, putting myself through nursing school, becoming all the things I ever dreamed of while "Mom" never really had a shot. Truth be told, I did all those things thinking she'd "wake up" then she and I would have "happily ever after" Mother/Daughter style.
Last year, I was sitting in church listening to the pastor praise motherhood and what a godly honor it was to be someone's mother. As I looked around, I saw family, family, family...then me. I resorted to the statement I've always held in my heart..."God must think you're pretty special to put you down here all by yourself." Then I decided to end this thing between Alice and me. So I went to see her.
She chose to live in a nursing home after a few falls, "mishaps" and numerous displays of what doctors call "strategic helplessness." When I arrived, it was like when Caleb met his mother in the classic novel "East of Eden." Alice is now an old, arthritic, bitter bitch that I barely recognized, living in a wheelchair.
"Hello." I said.
"Who the fuck are you?" she asked.
"Oh, I'm just someone you used to know." I answered. "I brought you something. It's Mother's Day." I added. Then I handed her a single red rose in a glass vase draped in white ribbon with the words, "I forgive you" written on the card attached. She looked at it, reached for it with the claw she now has for a left hand, looked at the card and I said, "The card says, 'I forgive you.'"
She looked at me and asked, "How's Blake (her grandson) and the baby (her great-granddaughter)?" So much for that Alzheimer's disease the nursing home claims she has.
"They're fine." I said. "Goodbye." Then I left. Closure.
That's been nearly a year ago and rarely, have I even thought of her. I pay her nursing home bill and her burial insurance premiums and that's all. That's plenty.
If nothing else, let me be someone you're glad you're not. Let me make you thankful your mother was not like mine. You know what a mother's love is and I don't. No pity needed here, Just promise me that you'll value YOUR mother and praise her for something they call "unconditional love." I feel I have it for my son and my granddaughter but without an example, I'm hoping I'm doing it correctly.
The hard truth is...some women aren't meant to be mothers. Mine wasn't.
I envy everyone of you blessed with a mother who saw her child as a blessing and not a curse. Spend time with your mother, love her, adore her and thank God for her. VALUE her as she valued YOU!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Thoughts Of Suicide
Confession:
March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash, friends had gone (because I had no car), sick, losing weight, no appetite, no purpose...I felt I'd done all I could to be that "Happy Face" when I went out in public but it was cracking and I didn't belong anymore. To encourage myself, I'd say "You can't leave...u beat breast cancer. It'd be a waste." But sometimes u need someone ELSE to give you encouragement. These "agencies" they tell u to call when u need help were useless FOR ME and I was left on "hold" too many times. It made me feel I was taking up someone else's time. But that's one of my demons. All my childhood, I was told how much of a burden I was because my "free-loving" mom had accidently had me and dumped me on Grandma and Great-Grandma. But now at my age, I was supposed to be over that childhood trauma stuff, right?
I'd pray and pray...make arrangements for rides to the store that never came and car deals that fell through. I was getting tired of having to do it all alone. But I kept at it. I even made a hilariously sad attempt at figuring out just how much money I'd need to save to "turn everything around." My total? $2,115.42! At least it was a goal to work towards. Everyone needs a purpose to their life.
I'd play my favorite band, Pearl Jam's "In Hiding" song over and over again for encouragement to keep going because of the line, "It's funny when things change so much...it's all state of mind." But things weren't changing and my "state of mind" was self-pity heading towards resignation.
I also started to become at peace with taking my own life. I didn't REALLY want to die...I just wanted all the pain to stop but it wasn't going to be possible. Sure, self-pity came into play. I went five days straight without seeing another human being--my choice--or anyone calling me--their choice. I told myself that if I did commit suicide, by the time anyone "missed me" my body would be so rotten I'd be unrecognizable! Only thing I could come up with at the time. But the "good news" was Life would go on and I'd be in Heaven.
That night, I did rethink it and literally said to my dog, "Hey, it's not so bad...we still have the TV" Ten minutes later, that TV started going on and off by itself eventually stopping for good. Damn!Funny in a morbid kind of way but Damn! Then I paraphrased a Gene Hackman line from "The Poseidon Adventure." I looked up and yelled, "God, if you're not going to help me, PLEASE don't fight against me!" In my state of "clarity," I was at peace. Maybe God was telling me I'd served my purpose but like "Sam" from the classic "Quantum Leap" series--I hadn't "leaped" yet. I'd have to do it myself.
I honestly felt I was doing the right thing because I had tried my best and had failed at every turn. I'd even hitched a ride with my church van that previous Sunday and every hymn we sang was about "Going Home" and "Walking Around Heaven All Day." Why not just go? Again, I really just wanted the pain to stop.
That night, I took my pistol out of its lockbox and went into the living room. I stared at it a little while reviewing my "plan" because I certainly didn't want to fuck up and end up paralyzed or still alive. Ten minutes later at 11:00pm, I received a text message. 'Who in Hell would text me at this hour?" I thought. I looked at it and it read, "Missing you." It was from Married Mike...of all people in the world...HE texts me? The "Old Lover" himself. Months before, I had told him never text me again and I promised him I would never text him again. When I read it, I suddenly burst out laughing! I actually felt like I had won a game of "Whose texting who first?" I purposely hadn't changed my number because I had promised to never text him and if my promises aren't shit--I felt that I wasn't shit. I had "won." It's silly sounding but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had accomplished something and my "state of mind" changed. I played "In Hiding" again and my thoughts of suicide were gone. The next day I gathered up my courage, called my breast cancer doctor, told her my situation, how I'd been living and hurting and she got me to her office, did a work up and changed certain meds and added a couple. Some have antidepressant qualities that have made me more focused, motivated and productive. I have far less pain, less isolation and have set reachable goals. I learned that sometimes when you want someone...anyone to help or at least acknowledge you...it doesn't happen. You have to "go it alone."
I now have better treatment, a better state of mind, a helluva lot more confidence and even a car! No tv but....oh well! HaHa. I made myself a promise that no matter how bad things seem or hurt, suicide was out of the question--I'll just keep living...and I always keep my promises.
May my "confession" help someone stay with us no matter what the circumstances. God Bless.
March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash, friends had gone (because I had no car), sick, losing weight, no appetite, no purpose...I felt I'd done all I could to be that "Happy Face" when I went out in public but it was cracking and I didn't belong anymore. To encourage myself, I'd say "You can't leave...u beat breast cancer. It'd be a waste." But sometimes u need someone ELSE to give you encouragement. These "agencies" they tell u to call when u need help were useless FOR ME and I was left on "hold" too many times. It made me feel I was taking up someone else's time. But that's one of my demons. All my childhood, I was told how much of a burden I was because my "free-loving" mom had accidently had me and dumped me on Grandma and Great-Grandma. But now at my age, I was supposed to be over that childhood trauma stuff, right?
I'd pray and pray...make arrangements for rides to the store that never came and car deals that fell through. I was getting tired of having to do it all alone. But I kept at it. I even made a hilariously sad attempt at figuring out just how much money I'd need to save to "turn everything around." My total? $2,115.42! At least it was a goal to work towards. Everyone needs a purpose to their life.
I'd play my favorite band, Pearl Jam's "In Hiding" song over and over again for encouragement to keep going because of the line, "It's funny when things change so much...it's all state of mind." But things weren't changing and my "state of mind" was self-pity heading towards resignation.
I also started to become at peace with taking my own life. I didn't REALLY want to die...I just wanted all the pain to stop but it wasn't going to be possible. Sure, self-pity came into play. I went five days straight without seeing another human being--my choice--or anyone calling me--their choice. I told myself that if I did commit suicide, by the time anyone "missed me" my body would be so rotten I'd be unrecognizable! Only thing I could come up with at the time. But the "good news" was Life would go on and I'd be in Heaven.
That night, I did rethink it and literally said to my dog, "Hey, it's not so bad...we still have the TV" Ten minutes later, that TV started going on and off by itself eventually stopping for good. Damn!Funny in a morbid kind of way but Damn! Then I paraphrased a Gene Hackman line from "The Poseidon Adventure." I looked up and yelled, "God, if you're not going to help me, PLEASE don't fight against me!" In my state of "clarity," I was at peace. Maybe God was telling me I'd served my purpose but like "Sam" from the classic "Quantum Leap" series--I hadn't "leaped" yet. I'd have to do it myself.
I honestly felt I was doing the right thing because I had tried my best and had failed at every turn. I'd even hitched a ride with my church van that previous Sunday and every hymn we sang was about "Going Home" and "Walking Around Heaven All Day." Why not just go? Again, I really just wanted the pain to stop.
That night, I took my pistol out of its lockbox and went into the living room. I stared at it a little while reviewing my "plan" because I certainly didn't want to fuck up and end up paralyzed or still alive. Ten minutes later at 11:00pm, I received a text message. 'Who in Hell would text me at this hour?" I thought. I looked at it and it read, "Missing you." It was from Married Mike...of all people in the world...HE texts me? The "Old Lover" himself. Months before, I had told him never text me again and I promised him I would never text him again. When I read it, I suddenly burst out laughing! I actually felt like I had won a game of "Whose texting who first?" I purposely hadn't changed my number because I had promised to never text him and if my promises aren't shit--I felt that I wasn't shit. I had "won." It's silly sounding but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had accomplished something and my "state of mind" changed. I played "In Hiding" again and my thoughts of suicide were gone. The next day I gathered up my courage, called my breast cancer doctor, told her my situation, how I'd been living and hurting and she got me to her office, did a work up and changed certain meds and added a couple. Some have antidepressant qualities that have made me more focused, motivated and productive. I have far less pain, less isolation and have set reachable goals. I learned that sometimes when you want someone...anyone to help or at least acknowledge you...it doesn't happen. You have to "go it alone."
I now have better treatment, a better state of mind, a helluva lot more confidence and even a car! No tv but....oh well! HaHa. I made myself a promise that no matter how bad things seem or hurt, suicide was out of the question--I'll just keep living...and I always keep my promises.
May my "confession" help someone stay with us no matter what the circumstances. God Bless.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Old Lovers: Recurrence
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, I thought the word "recurrence" meant the return of the toxic disease. Lately, I have learned that "recurrence" can also refer to toxic people.
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is. One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M." God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze, explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is. One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M." God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze, explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!
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