Confession:
March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash, friends had gone (because I had no car), sick, losing weight, no appetite, no purpose...I felt I'd done all I could to be that "Happy Face" when I went out in public but it was cracking and I didn't belong anymore. To encourage myself, I'd say "You can't leave...u beat breast cancer. It'd be a waste." But sometimes u need someone ELSE to give you encouragement. These "agencies" they tell u to call when u need help were useless FOR ME and I was left on "hold" too many times. It made me feel I was taking up someone else's time. But that's one of my demons. All my childhood, I was told how much of a burden I was because my "free-loving" mom had accidently had me and dumped me on Grandma and Great-Grandma. But now at my age, I was supposed to be over that childhood trauma stuff, right?
I'd pray and pray...make arrangements for rides to the store that never came and car deals that fell through. I was getting tired of having to do it all alone. But I kept at it. I even made a hilariously sad attempt at figuring out just how much money I'd need to save to "turn everything around." My total? $2,115.42! At least it was a goal to work towards. Everyone needs a purpose to their life.
I'd play my favorite band, Pearl Jam's "In Hiding" song over and over again for encouragement to keep going because of the line, "It's funny when things change so much...it's all state of mind." But things weren't changing and my "state of mind" was self-pity heading towards resignation.
I also started to become at peace with taking my own life. I didn't REALLY want to die...I just wanted all the pain to stop but it wasn't going to be possible. Sure, self-pity came into play. I went five days straight without seeing another human being--my choice--or anyone calling me--their choice. I told myself that if I did commit suicide, by the time anyone "missed me" my body would be so rotten I'd be unrecognizable! Only thing I could come up with at the time. But the "good news" was Life would go on and I'd be in Heaven.
That night, I did rethink it and literally said to my dog, "Hey, it's not so bad...we still have the TV" Ten minutes later, that TV started going on and off by itself eventually stopping for good. Damn!Funny in a morbid kind of way but Damn! Then I paraphrased a Gene Hackman line from "The Poseidon Adventure." I looked up and yelled, "God, if you're not going to help me, PLEASE don't fight against me!" In my state of "clarity," I was at peace. Maybe God was telling me I'd served my purpose but like "Sam" from the classic "Quantum Leap" series--I hadn't "leaped" yet. I'd have to do it myself.
I honestly felt I was doing the right thing because I had tried my best and had failed at every turn. I'd even hitched a ride with my church van that previous Sunday and every hymn we sang was about "Going Home" and "Walking Around Heaven All Day." Why not just go? Again, I really just wanted the pain to stop.
That night, I took my pistol out of its lockbox and went into the living room. I stared at it a little while reviewing my "plan" because I certainly didn't want to fuck up and end up paralyzed or still alive. Ten minutes later at 11:00pm, I received a text message. 'Who in Hell would text me at this hour?" I thought. I looked at it and it read, "Missing you." It was from Married Mike...of all people in the world...HE texts me? The "Old Lover" himself. Months before, I had told him never text me again and I promised him I would never text him again. When I read it, I suddenly burst out laughing! I actually felt like I had won a game of "Whose texting who first?" I purposely hadn't changed my number because I had promised to never text him and if my promises aren't shit--I felt that I wasn't shit. I had "won." It's silly sounding but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had accomplished something and my "state of mind" changed. I played "In Hiding" again and my thoughts of suicide were gone. The next day I gathered up my courage, called my breast cancer doctor, told her my situation, how I'd been living and hurting and she got me to her office, did a work up and changed certain meds and added a couple. Some have antidepressant qualities that have made me more focused, motivated and productive. I have far less pain, less isolation and have set reachable goals. I learned that sometimes when you want someone...anyone to help or at least acknowledge you...it doesn't happen. You have to "go it alone."
I now have better treatment, a better state of mind, a helluva lot more confidence and even a car! No tv but....oh well! HaHa. I made myself a promise that no matter how bad things seem or hurt, suicide was out of the question--I'll just keep living...and I always keep my promises.
May my "confession" help someone stay with us no matter what the circumstances. God Bless.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Old Lovers: Recurrence
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, I thought the word "recurrence" meant the return of the toxic disease. Lately, I have learned that "recurrence" can also refer to toxic people.
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is. One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M." God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze, explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!
Months ago, I had had enough of "M" and promised to never contact him again. The weight of that ridiculous "relationship" immediately fell away and I went back to normal life. Unfortunately, my "normal" is dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer, it's effect on me, my body, my spirit and my finances. Some days are better than others and some just suck but that's just the way it is. One night a couple months ago, things were especially horrible. Body aches, bills, no car, a death in the family and the surprising loss of a few friends made me miserable. I was into some serious self-pity. Plans I had made had a fallen apart and Life didn't seem to be that wonderful anymore. Just as some tears began to form, my phone let me know I'd received a text message. I remember thinking, "Who in the Hell would text me at 11:00p.m.?" I got out of my chair, found my phone and found this, "I miss you!" It was "M."
"Really, God?" I asked. "Today's bad enough...now this? Not again, God." Then, I started to laugh. Of course! Why not? How f***ing ridiculous! I thought my last text had made it clear that texting had ended between us. I promised he'd never hear from me again. What's that old saying? "If your word ain't s**t, then you ain't s**t"? So I erased his text and went to bed.
The next day, my son and I were on the way to my oncologist's office when my poor, tired, old phone "made a break for it" by falling out of my hands, out the car window and shattering into little pieces on the side of the road. Divine intervention! That phone and number was history and I actually had to get another phone...not because of "M" but because my phone had met with a tragic accident! New phone. New number. No "M." God, I love it when a plan comes together!!!
Monday morning, I get on Facebook and I'll be damned if I didn't get a message from "M." I forgot that people don't have to be one of your FaceBook Friends to contact or "add you." The message read, "hope you are doing well. Missing you! You have my number please text me..." Son of a b***h! Dang that Facebook! That's how this whole thing started!
But I've moved on.
I haven't responded to his messages and won't. I don't need to know "why" or "how bad are things that you'd reach out to me." No point. Been there, done that...and all I have to do is nothing. I don't need any closure. I "closed" everything months ago when I said...promised... he'd never hear from me again. I know I'm supposed to analyze, re-analyze, explain or try to explain his "reasons for texting," "what could he be thinking" and all the other horses**t women tell themselves when it comes to men but I'm DONE! Seems like it's one of those situations where one party won't take "no" for an answer. Sure, it's sort of an ego boost that he keeps trying to contact me but this married man is no longer my problem. No more "self-inflicted wounds"!
I take medications daily to prevent the recurrence of cancer but to prevent a "social" recurrence like this there are no meds...the best action is NO action.
Sometimes someone you thought you "would never get over" doesn't matter anymore. You got over them! Their name doesn't cause a physical response anymore. In fact, you have no response at all. That's where I am. That's what I'm doing...nothing.
I promised!
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Life Defining Moments
During "March Madness," I get nostalgic about sports and wonder, "what would have Life been like if....."
In the 1986 film 'Best of Times,' the late, great Robin Williams plays "Jack" the guy who literally "drops the ball in the big game." For years, he is tormented by that one moment he feels defined his life as a loser.. Not only do his fellow citizens join in with the torture, 'Jack' has the game on film and is seen playing and replaying that dropped pass. He's doomed. Can't 'get over' it. Then Darla, 'the hooker with a golden heart' whose heard more than enough about that night in their 'sessions,' challenges him by saying, "Play the game again." This leads to scheming and dreaming while marital problems face 'Jack' and his good friend, 'Reno Hightower' (great sports name, right?) played by Kurt Russell. Of course, the game is played again, our hero does catch the ball...scores...erases thirteen years of crap...couples reunite and everyone lives happily ever after. "Jack" got what I've heard some athletes say they wish they had...another chance to "make it right."
What if Bill Buckner landed that ball instead of it going between his legs? What if certain folks hadn't decided that THIS error cost the Red Sox a World Series? What if the sports broadcaster hadn't decided to turn the camera onto the fan in the Cubs cap and headphones forever declaring "Steve Bartman" guilty of fan interference, "causing" the complete meltdown of that team and rise of the Marlins?
These situations led to the brilliant series, "5 Reasons You Can't Blame..." by ESPN. It takes these myths and legends about games we have seen or heard of and tells the truth about each. Mr. Buckner didn't lose a World Series...he wasn't even the only one to blow a play in that game! Mr. Hartman wasn't the only fan going for the ball that night...we could've had another surname associated with "fan interference." Life-Defining Moments.
Then there's my personal favorite Life Defining Moment:
March Madness......
NCAA Tournament: North Carolina Tar Heels VS my Michigan Fab Five. (Grandma's from Detroit, made them my home team.) I might have been overconfident, so what? Well......
That night, I had two choices. #1. Stay home and watch Michigan win. #2. Go to a private party a few blocks away. Hmmmmmmm. I chose the party! Nothing "out of the ordinary" was going to happen between the Tar Heels and the Fab Five anyway, right?
As we all know, it was the "Chris Webber No Times Out Left Game" where folks erroneously blamed this kid and that single action for the Michigan loss and Tar Heel win. Ugh! I missed it!! I've often wondered what Life would have been like if the ref had called a "walk" on Webber as he started down the court that night? What if Michigan had won? What if I'd stayed home that night instead of going to that party? Would any of the people go back and change what happened to them on their "fateful" nights if they could? Though no athlete, my answer: No. The Party every time!
Why? It was a Life Defining Moment for me. While Michigan played North Carolina for the title, I was meeting the love of my life...and the future father of my son, Blake. Let's call it "One (Life Long) Shining Moment."
In the 1986 film 'Best of Times,' the late, great Robin Williams plays "Jack" the guy who literally "drops the ball in the big game." For years, he is tormented by that one moment he feels defined his life as a loser.. Not only do his fellow citizens join in with the torture, 'Jack' has the game on film and is seen playing and replaying that dropped pass. He's doomed. Can't 'get over' it. Then Darla, 'the hooker with a golden heart' whose heard more than enough about that night in their 'sessions,' challenges him by saying, "Play the game again." This leads to scheming and dreaming while marital problems face 'Jack' and his good friend, 'Reno Hightower' (great sports name, right?) played by Kurt Russell. Of course, the game is played again, our hero does catch the ball...scores...erases thirteen years of crap...couples reunite and everyone lives happily ever after. "Jack" got what I've heard some athletes say they wish they had...another chance to "make it right."
What if Bill Buckner landed that ball instead of it going between his legs? What if certain folks hadn't decided that THIS error cost the Red Sox a World Series? What if the sports broadcaster hadn't decided to turn the camera onto the fan in the Cubs cap and headphones forever declaring "Steve Bartman" guilty of fan interference, "causing" the complete meltdown of that team and rise of the Marlins?
These situations led to the brilliant series, "5 Reasons You Can't Blame..." by ESPN. It takes these myths and legends about games we have seen or heard of and tells the truth about each. Mr. Buckner didn't lose a World Series...he wasn't even the only one to blow a play in that game! Mr. Hartman wasn't the only fan going for the ball that night...we could've had another surname associated with "fan interference." Life-Defining Moments.
Then there's my personal favorite Life Defining Moment:
March Madness......
NCAA Tournament: North Carolina Tar Heels VS my Michigan Fab Five. (Grandma's from Detroit, made them my home team.) I might have been overconfident, so what? Well......
That night, I had two choices. #1. Stay home and watch Michigan win. #2. Go to a private party a few blocks away. Hmmmmmmm. I chose the party! Nothing "out of the ordinary" was going to happen between the Tar Heels and the Fab Five anyway, right?
As we all know, it was the "Chris Webber No Times Out Left Game" where folks erroneously blamed this kid and that single action for the Michigan loss and Tar Heel win. Ugh! I missed it!! I've often wondered what Life would have been like if the ref had called a "walk" on Webber as he started down the court that night? What if Michigan had won? What if I'd stayed home that night instead of going to that party? Would any of the people go back and change what happened to them on their "fateful" nights if they could? Though no athlete, my answer: No. The Party every time!
Why? It was a Life Defining Moment for me. While Michigan played North Carolina for the title, I was meeting the love of my life...and the future father of my son, Blake. Let's call it "One (Life Long) Shining Moment."
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Payday Loan Problems Part Duh!!
Never get a payday loan!
Since January, I have gotten DAILY phone calls and HOME visits from a payday loan company that we'll call "Wegional Finance." It's out of Knoxville, TN. Breast cancer took a great toll on my body, and my finances. I made the mistake of not ONLY getting a loan but falling behind. I owe 254 dollars--so far. I'm sure they'll be "unforeseen charges" to my account.
The more I try to work with them...the more they refuse to "treat this customer with courtesy." They dig in. They want ALL 254 in a MONEY ORDER. Not 1/2 the amount or even $200. It has to be the full 254.
Their reps come to my home...they call every day. When they come to my home...they refuse to take what I have to pay them! When they call...they demand the full amount and "just can't understand" how not having transportation at present is possible! "Get someone to bring you!" They say. Well, DUH!! If I could I would!
I talk to them to show effort on my part only to hear the same demands I've heard since this entire thing started. People say I'm crazy for talking to them...I guess they are right. I thought speaking with them showed effort on my part...it only gets me more harassment.
This past Wednesday, I got a letter claiming they "hadn't been able to reach" me. A blatant lie. I imagine they sent this to me and put it in "my file" so if any corporate type examined my file, it would appear I'd avoided them. I called them, spoke to "Pete" at "Wegional Finance" who claimed, "we send that t everyone. It's a 'form letter.' Makes us look like we're doing our jobs." OMG!!
I have always paid my bills like a responsible adult but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, some of my financial decisions were desperate and borderline foolish. But I never expected to be harassed on the phone and in person from a company claiming to "be 1st in customer service"! March 3 is the day I'll settle this "issue" for good but I bet those calls and visits will continue.
It reminds me of a scene from "Goodfellas" where the bar owner asked "Paulie" to go in with him as a full partner. As 'Henry Hill'(I'm paraphrasing) said, "It allowed Paulie to do whatever he wanted with the place and the guy still had to pay him. 'No money? F**k you, pay me".....etc.
I have complained to everyone that is supposed to look into customer complaints but just like that poor bar owner, I get either no help or an implied "F**k you. Pay them."
It's too late for me but maybe I can save one of you from making this mistake. Learn from me. If you're considering a payday loan....JUST SAY NO!!
Since January, I have gotten DAILY phone calls and HOME visits from a payday loan company that we'll call "Wegional Finance." It's out of Knoxville, TN. Breast cancer took a great toll on my body, and my finances. I made the mistake of not ONLY getting a loan but falling behind. I owe 254 dollars--so far. I'm sure they'll be "unforeseen charges" to my account.
The more I try to work with them...the more they refuse to "treat this customer with courtesy." They dig in. They want ALL 254 in a MONEY ORDER. Not 1/2 the amount or even $200. It has to be the full 254.
Their reps come to my home...they call every day. When they come to my home...they refuse to take what I have to pay them! When they call...they demand the full amount and "just can't understand" how not having transportation at present is possible! "Get someone to bring you!" They say. Well, DUH!! If I could I would!
I talk to them to show effort on my part only to hear the same demands I've heard since this entire thing started. People say I'm crazy for talking to them...I guess they are right. I thought speaking with them showed effort on my part...it only gets me more harassment.
This past Wednesday, I got a letter claiming they "hadn't been able to reach" me. A blatant lie. I imagine they sent this to me and put it in "my file" so if any corporate type examined my file, it would appear I'd avoided them. I called them, spoke to "Pete" at "Wegional Finance" who claimed, "we send that t everyone. It's a 'form letter.' Makes us look like we're doing our jobs." OMG!!
I have always paid my bills like a responsible adult but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, some of my financial decisions were desperate and borderline foolish. But I never expected to be harassed on the phone and in person from a company claiming to "be 1st in customer service"! March 3 is the day I'll settle this "issue" for good but I bet those calls and visits will continue.
It reminds me of a scene from "Goodfellas" where the bar owner asked "Paulie" to go in with him as a full partner. As 'Henry Hill'(I'm paraphrasing) said, "It allowed Paulie to do whatever he wanted with the place and the guy still had to pay him. 'No money? F**k you, pay me".....etc.
I have complained to everyone that is supposed to look into customer complaints but just like that poor bar owner, I get either no help or an implied "F**k you. Pay them."
It's too late for me but maybe I can save one of you from making this mistake. Learn from me. If you're considering a payday loan....JUST SAY NO!!
Monday, February 22, 2016
In Praise of My "Praising" Church
On the outside, my church looks like the tiny place of worship one sees in old movies or on Hallmark cards. Built in 1855, this church has been opening its doors to all who wish to enter. I consider myself a Catholic but there are no Catholic churches within 30 miles of where I live so I decided to "try" this little Southern Baptist church for my spiritual needs. I hate to admit it but I had already "judged" this place completely ignoring Matthew Chapter 7's "Judge not..." passages.
I was surprised initially by the pews, furnishings and displays. Beautiful. The inside looked far larger than the outside would lead you to believe. My next surprise was how many families I had known in high school still attended here. I rediscovered friends from that time and was amazed at how "we all had turned out." But the biggest surprise to me was this church's format or belief system. It's all love. Not a "do whatever you want" format but a "God is love" one.
I'll confess that I expected to be "preached at" and told how much of the old "dirty sinner" idea I was because of the Fall of Man. What I got was different and quite unexpected. The first thing I ever heard out of this pastor's mouth was, "Isn't it amazing how much God loves us?" Wait...what? God wasn't a mean old man perched on some throne just waiting for me to screw up something? He wasn't the ultimate perfectionist who hated men, women, gays and anyone who wasn't a "Christian"? Did this pastor have the same Bible everyone else had?
"MY" church has yet to condemn anyone...so far. I have to admit that I am still getting used to all this praise and positive messages. Now it's not what is being called a "prestige and prosperity" church where "God will make you rich if you just attend...and give to the collection." It's message is simple...LOVE and PRAISE...with the possible subtext of "actions speak louder than words."
This church has regular FREE meals to all who want them--member or non-member. Same with clothes, food pantries and almost any financial need one might face. While the Ten Commandments are displayed and expected to be followed, this church adheres to the passage that "the greatest of all these is love."
The message is God loves us, is our 'father' and wants the best for us...and just like if our earthly parents were like this...He is worthy of praise. The subtext, if you will, seems to be "faith without works is nothing." (I forget the exact verse right now,) Again, actions speak louder than words. Being a child of God doesn't mean you are better than anyone nor does it mean you have to "take crap off folks because you're Christian." Being a child of God doesn't mean you're a sap! It simply means you are loved, created in His image and valued--no matter who you are. He is worthy of praise.
I have to "confess" that I was...and at times still am surprised at this church's message. You mean there is nobody to hate? No one to look down on and judge? No 'magic' verse or prayer that will make me rich or make me whatever I want? No condemnation of this group or that group for being "an abomination"? What kind of church is this?????????????
It's Cedar Ford Baptist Church...a praising church.
I was surprised initially by the pews, furnishings and displays. Beautiful. The inside looked far larger than the outside would lead you to believe. My next surprise was how many families I had known in high school still attended here. I rediscovered friends from that time and was amazed at how "we all had turned out." But the biggest surprise to me was this church's format or belief system. It's all love. Not a "do whatever you want" format but a "God is love" one.
I'll confess that I expected to be "preached at" and told how much of the old "dirty sinner" idea I was because of the Fall of Man. What I got was different and quite unexpected. The first thing I ever heard out of this pastor's mouth was, "Isn't it amazing how much God loves us?" Wait...what? God wasn't a mean old man perched on some throne just waiting for me to screw up something? He wasn't the ultimate perfectionist who hated men, women, gays and anyone who wasn't a "Christian"? Did this pastor have the same Bible everyone else had?
"MY" church has yet to condemn anyone...so far. I have to admit that I am still getting used to all this praise and positive messages. Now it's not what is being called a "prestige and prosperity" church where "God will make you rich if you just attend...and give to the collection." It's message is simple...LOVE and PRAISE...with the possible subtext of "actions speak louder than words."
This church has regular FREE meals to all who want them--member or non-member. Same with clothes, food pantries and almost any financial need one might face. While the Ten Commandments are displayed and expected to be followed, this church adheres to the passage that "the greatest of all these is love."
The message is God loves us, is our 'father' and wants the best for us...and just like if our earthly parents were like this...He is worthy of praise. The subtext, if you will, seems to be "faith without works is nothing." (I forget the exact verse right now,) Again, actions speak louder than words. Being a child of God doesn't mean you are better than anyone nor does it mean you have to "take crap off folks because you're Christian." Being a child of God doesn't mean you're a sap! It simply means you are loved, created in His image and valued--no matter who you are. He is worthy of praise.
I have to "confess" that I was...and at times still am surprised at this church's message. You mean there is nobody to hate? No one to look down on and judge? No 'magic' verse or prayer that will make me rich or make me whatever I want? No condemnation of this group or that group for being "an abomination"? What kind of church is this?????????????
It's Cedar Ford Baptist Church...a praising church.
The Basic Need of Safety
"Kiss your girls tonight and love them." That was what I'd overhear my home healthcare patient's wife tell their son. This married father of three little girls would call his mother every night and at the end of each call, his mother would say those seven words. I thought it was strange. Maybe it was just a unique "sign-off" but it stuck with me. I didn't know why at first but then I realized what she was trying to convey and what my life and always lacked. Safety. In essence, this lady was telling her son to make those little girls know and feel that they are forever loved--and safe.
After basic physical needs like food, water and sleep etc., Abraham Maslow listed "Safety" as a basic need essential for every human being. Being physically safe is paramount but we also must have the psychological safety. We must know that we are full and wanted members of the human race and have the freedom to move through this world without fear of the world falling apart and having to face it all alone.
I was that 60's "Love Child" Diana Ross was referring to in her song of the same name. "We'll only end up hating, the child we may be creating...." she told her potential lover. She wanted to prevent the same shame and "less than" life she'd had being inflicted on another child. As a 'love child,' and a girl, I was supposed to be forever beholding to my maternal grandmother for the proverbial "roof over my head" and nothing else. I was a mistake, a source of shame and "deserving of nothing." A child without the basic need of financial and psychological security grows up with the subconscious fear of abandonment, ruin and the feeling of never belonging anywhere or to anyone. We are the "mistake kids." At times, I felt there was an asterisk attached to my name preventing me from having, getting or even deserving things that others consider 'normal.' For example, just recently I went to our local library. A friend of mine is one of the librarians and I went to her desk and said, "Hey, I'm here to bum some books." She looked at me funny and said, "You DO know you're allowed to check out books, right?" I was stunned. The failure to secure my basic need of safety plagued my entire life. I catch myself at times saying, "I'm in the way" or "I don't mean to bother you" etc., for no reason except it's my personal demon...even at the library!
My granddaughter will be 2 in March and I try to emphasize how vital it is that my son makes her feel not only loved but safe. She must never have to move from place to place, attend various different schools, feel OR be told she is "in the way." His particular situation includes three children from two different fathers (yep) my son is daddy number three to baby number four and the verbally/physically abusive mother of them all in some sort of drama on a daily basis. He doesn't quite get the significance of psychological safety because I raised him the OPPOSITE of how my grandma raised me. I may have overcompensated but he had the same home his entire life. He went to the same school/high school and he was a "full member" of his neighborhood and the world. He grew up with a "safety net" ME. He must always be that for his daughter!
It's probably too late for me to fill in the "hole in my heart" and finally feel safe, loved and wanted but maybe I can help anyone reading this. After physical needs, you must learn to feel/be safe. You deserve to be here. You are safe to "f**k up" now and again. You are worthy and you have a place. A safe place. The Human Race. Welcome!
After basic physical needs like food, water and sleep etc., Abraham Maslow listed "Safety" as a basic need essential for every human being. Being physically safe is paramount but we also must have the psychological safety. We must know that we are full and wanted members of the human race and have the freedom to move through this world without fear of the world falling apart and having to face it all alone.
I was that 60's "Love Child" Diana Ross was referring to in her song of the same name. "We'll only end up hating, the child we may be creating...." she told her potential lover. She wanted to prevent the same shame and "less than" life she'd had being inflicted on another child. As a 'love child,' and a girl, I was supposed to be forever beholding to my maternal grandmother for the proverbial "roof over my head" and nothing else. I was a mistake, a source of shame and "deserving of nothing." A child without the basic need of financial and psychological security grows up with the subconscious fear of abandonment, ruin and the feeling of never belonging anywhere or to anyone. We are the "mistake kids." At times, I felt there was an asterisk attached to my name preventing me from having, getting or even deserving things that others consider 'normal.' For example, just recently I went to our local library. A friend of mine is one of the librarians and I went to her desk and said, "Hey, I'm here to bum some books." She looked at me funny and said, "You DO know you're allowed to check out books, right?" I was stunned. The failure to secure my basic need of safety plagued my entire life. I catch myself at times saying, "I'm in the way" or "I don't mean to bother you" etc., for no reason except it's my personal demon...even at the library!
My granddaughter will be 2 in March and I try to emphasize how vital it is that my son makes her feel not only loved but safe. She must never have to move from place to place, attend various different schools, feel OR be told she is "in the way." His particular situation includes three children from two different fathers (yep) my son is daddy number three to baby number four and the verbally/physically abusive mother of them all in some sort of drama on a daily basis. He doesn't quite get the significance of psychological safety because I raised him the OPPOSITE of how my grandma raised me. I may have overcompensated but he had the same home his entire life. He went to the same school/high school and he was a "full member" of his neighborhood and the world. He grew up with a "safety net" ME. He must always be that for his daughter!
It's probably too late for me to fill in the "hole in my heart" and finally feel safe, loved and wanted but maybe I can help anyone reading this. After physical needs, you must learn to feel/be safe. You deserve to be here. You are safe to "f**k up" now and again. You are worthy and you have a place. A safe place. The Human Race. Welcome!
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Old Lovers...Conclusion & Confession
It took me 8 months to accept Mike's...real name not 'Rick.' friend request. My concerns were. Was he in touch with my abusive ex-hubby trying to locate me? Was it really Mike from 30 years ago? Isn't he married? Why is he contacting me? After all those thoughts, I clicked the 'confirm' button and said to myself "What's the worst that can happen?"
Mike and I texted back and forth. Facebook or telephone. Late night texts began to get sexual. I guess I was his "Sext-tress." It lasted for 8 months, too. I never took anything he texted seriously especially those plans to meet and f**k. Funny thing was, I never let him know where I lived so every time he made "plans" I just rolled my eyes. I could barely live with the fact that I was secretly 'sexting' a married man but I rationalized it by saying, "That's just Mike." The way I saw it, I was talking to the Mike I knew in college...not the 57 year old married grandfather of today. I was wrong.
"I love you." "I miss you." "I want to be with you." "We'll be together soon." You know...all the married man lines. I never believed a thing he said but I was giving it just as well as I was getting it.
Soon, the text got fewer from him and I was finding myself texting him first more often. Needless to say, it was getting old. I started wishing to God that I had never confirmed his friend request in the first place.
Monday I sent him a "call me" text that went without a reply. Thursday, I texted him and he immediately responded with an "I miss you." I thought 'how'? We've seen each other once in 30 years! How could he miss me?
He then called and he said he was busy but he'd call me between 4pm/5pm. Needless to say...he never called. Secretly, I was relieved. I texted him and told him he was too busy and I didn't fit in his life anyway because he was married! "But you are important to me" he responded to which I replied "Actions speak louder than words...but I'll always love you."
"Okay...love you, too." Then I decided I was done with all this Lifetime movie crap and wrote, "Do you want me to stop texting you?" No reply. I asked that question two more times and still got no reply. Ridiculous, right? Of course it was.
Even though I didn't want to lose his friendship, I realized we didn't have a friendship. We were playing a stupid game...it was wrong...and he'd never end it, so I did.
The next day I ended it by promising never to text him ever again. Still no response. Big deal.
Okay...I sort of hoped he'd respond but that was just my "fear of abandonment" issue talking. I even thought of Faith Hill's song "Cry." But I was just being stupid. I'm not anymore...I'm done!
I really feel badly about violating my #1 rule of "No married men." but it was 'good old Christian Mike.' what was the worst that can happen?
I learned that no matter how nice a guy is/was...married means "No." I just wanted an old friend from college. But that guy doesn't exist anymore. The exchanges were fun at first. I knew I NEVER wanted him to leave his wife. They never do 9 times out of 10 anyway. It was just something to look forward to while I was going thru breast cancer. No more. None. Done. Sure, I've prayed for a special man to come into my life but then I read: "God will NEVER send you another woman's husband."
And the People of God said, "AMEN!"
Mike and I texted back and forth. Facebook or telephone. Late night texts began to get sexual. I guess I was his "Sext-tress." It lasted for 8 months, too. I never took anything he texted seriously especially those plans to meet and f**k. Funny thing was, I never let him know where I lived so every time he made "plans" I just rolled my eyes. I could barely live with the fact that I was secretly 'sexting' a married man but I rationalized it by saying, "That's just Mike." The way I saw it, I was talking to the Mike I knew in college...not the 57 year old married grandfather of today. I was wrong.
"I love you." "I miss you." "I want to be with you." "We'll be together soon." You know...all the married man lines. I never believed a thing he said but I was giving it just as well as I was getting it.
Soon, the text got fewer from him and I was finding myself texting him first more often. Needless to say, it was getting old. I started wishing to God that I had never confirmed his friend request in the first place.
Monday I sent him a "call me" text that went without a reply. Thursday, I texted him and he immediately responded with an "I miss you." I thought 'how'? We've seen each other once in 30 years! How could he miss me?
He then called and he said he was busy but he'd call me between 4pm/5pm. Needless to say...he never called. Secretly, I was relieved. I texted him and told him he was too busy and I didn't fit in his life anyway because he was married! "But you are important to me" he responded to which I replied "Actions speak louder than words...but I'll always love you."
"Okay...love you, too." Then I decided I was done with all this Lifetime movie crap and wrote, "Do you want me to stop texting you?" No reply. I asked that question two more times and still got no reply. Ridiculous, right? Of course it was.
Even though I didn't want to lose his friendship, I realized we didn't have a friendship. We were playing a stupid game...it was wrong...and he'd never end it, so I did.
The next day I ended it by promising never to text him ever again. Still no response. Big deal.
Okay...I sort of hoped he'd respond but that was just my "fear of abandonment" issue talking. I even thought of Faith Hill's song "Cry." But I was just being stupid. I'm not anymore...I'm done!
I really feel badly about violating my #1 rule of "No married men." but it was 'good old Christian Mike.' what was the worst that can happen?
I learned that no matter how nice a guy is/was...married means "No." I just wanted an old friend from college. But that guy doesn't exist anymore. The exchanges were fun at first. I knew I NEVER wanted him to leave his wife. They never do 9 times out of 10 anyway. It was just something to look forward to while I was going thru breast cancer. No more. None. Done. Sure, I've prayed for a special man to come into my life but then I read: "God will NEVER send you another woman's husband."
And the People of God said, "AMEN!"
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