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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Jesse and my cousin Lisa were married three years when they adopted two beautiful little girls. The girls were sisters with one being a special needs child. In my opinion, Jesse and Lisa rescued those two and gave them the best home possible. Both were educated, professional adults with all the love in the world to give children. Something changed.
Lisa began to want 'a real child' with her husband. To me, it seemed like she was attempting to save or improve her marriage in some way but what did I know? This led to IVF, hormone treatments and a lot of expense. When Lisa did finally become pregnant, her happiness seemed strained. Then one day, Lisa told her mother that she caught Jesse in the den getting the eleven year old girl drunk. The child had passed out in fact. Soon after that, Lisa discovered and reported a molestation. Jesse was removed from the home and the law got involved.
Lisa had all the love and family support anyone could ever hope to have. She wouldn't have to worry about being a divorced mother raising two daughters and a newborn son alone because all of us were ready, willing and able to do whatever, whenever. That is why what she did was so shocking.
Lisa stood by Jesse throughout all the legal procedures. Even though they are eleven and thirteen now, Lisa gave the girls back to DHS because she was determined to be with Jesse and raise 'their son' together..."as a family." We have no idea what happened to the girls or where they are now.
Lisa turned her back on our side of the family and her own mother has never held her now eight month old grandson. I used to have Lisa as a Facebook friend but I have grown to hate all her photos featuring her, Jesse and that innocent little baby with her posts about how "God gave her the most perfect husband." I just don't have the stomach for it anymore.
I know I am 'not supposed to judge' because I don't know what really 'goes on behind closed doors' but to me, what she did is almost the worst thing I've ever heard anyone doing. How could she see what she reported and still "stand by her man"? To me, she blamed the victim. In regards to the girls and as an abandoned child myself, I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted at age three then "returned" for any reason. I never dreamed Lisa was capable of this. Disgusting.
Have you ever felt that way about a family member?
Could you separate the person from the deed? I can't seem to love the person but hate what they did.
 I am certainly not "without sin," but "casting the first stone" seems the least that I could do. I fear that if I ever spoke to her again she'd think I condone what she did and even that, for me would be unforgivable.
I guess I'm incapable of "unconditional love."

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