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Thoughts Of Suicide

Confession: March 24th was going to be the end for me. Months with no car, pain, painful treatments, meds screwed up, isolated, low on cash...

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

My Merry Little Christmas

Okay, I was kinda dreading Christmas. Never ever had the 'Hallmark Card' Christmas. Wasn't looking forward to any holiday. My son Blake, graduated and is living his own life. Didn't bother getting a tree. Seemed pointless. But then I decided to try and get out of my own way and "let Christmas happen." I did a little prep work by getting involved with services dedicated to homeless women and children. I also signed up with a nation-wide "Secret Santa" campaign, sent a few gifts to my 'match' and received a wonderful gift package from mine! That just might be my new tradition.

Couldn't avoid the invitation for long so I went to my son and his girlfriend Tara's home for Christmas dinner. Didn't really want to go but Blake wanted me there.  I thought I would stay a few minutes, make up some excuse to leave and then go back home. But when I got there, it was like stepping onto a "Walton's" soundstage. There was an enormous tree decorated with everything from popcorn to handmade ornaments. Dinner was ham with sliced pineapple, buttered corn, rolls, Pringle's PECAN PIE potato chips(!), millions of calories etc. all for the consumption; presents to the ceiling and for the first time in a very long time, I was in a houseful of children! The kids-ages ten and under--were screaming, shrieking, running and causing trouble. The chaos was wonderful!

The biggest surprise for me was the diamond/ruby necklace my son and his girlfriend gave me. Normally, my son can't keep a secret but this is one time he did. Wow! Dinner, a gift and family.
When I left for my own home, I started thinking. What is 'family'? There's the one you start out with, the one you hope for and the one you end up with. This certainly isn't the one I dreamed for my son. But so what? My 'family' is now Blake, Tara, her three children...and a granddaughter for me whose ETA is mid-March '14. How 'bout that? It's a wonderful life.

Now I am ending my Christmas Eve with the first Midnight Mass of Pope Francis. The Bishop of Rome is teaching me non-judgmental love and that maybe I should continue 'getting out of my own way.' Who knows what blessings await when you just let things happen!

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