Old Lovers New Problems

It as a full year ago today that I got a Facebook request from 'Rick." Time really does fly. As in a prior post, the friend request was stunning. I was completely shocked. I was so shocked and stunned that it took me from September to May to respond.
Why was he contacting me after all these years?
There must be something wrong in his marriage for him to reach out to me.
It's been thirty years....I should find how his life has been, right?
A couple of texts between old lovers is harmless, right?
I have always had two hard and fast rules in my life. 1.)Never go back once "it's over" and 2.)Never date/flirt with a married man. Those two rules have proven to be very helpful in my life and the life of my conscience. Then Rick comes along.
Initially, I just ignored his friendship request hoping he'd just give up. "Never go back...," remember? Well, it has been over thirty years....maybe just this ONCE?
"Never....with a married man," remember?
Yeah, but rules are made to be broken...what would it hurt to just say "hi"?
In May, I responded to "Rick."
For the first time, I had reconnected with an old lover. For the first time, I didn't care Rick is married. For the first time, I was going to follow my heart. For the first time, I ignored my conscience. Why?
Because Rick was my "first time." You never forget your first, right?
I never told him I was a virgin because I figured he could tell. I wasn't going to tell him!! I had some cuddling experience and some "everything but intercourse" knowledge but I had never gone "all the way" with anyone. Rick changed all that.
I have been texting 'Rick' since May and I must say I have acted like a silly, co-dependent little girl! He has been the perfect distraction from my cancer treatments. We "sext" and make plans--but those plans never pan out. Something is always coming up "unexpectedly" or he "forgot." I hope he'll text and then "text me first" but then I am afraid "did his wife find out about 'us'"? Should I text him to make sure "we're still 'friends'"?  UGH!!
"Rick" is different to me. He was the first man I ever slept with so I see him as special. Good God, he's almost a super hero to me! Now........do I finally tell him he was my "first"? Communicating with the first man I ever had sex with goes against everything I think is right. Unfortunately, I'm allowing myself to almost break commandments simply because Rick "deflowered" me.
I want to tell him he was my first lover in hopes of that fact explaining why I have acted like a high school girl and why I took eight months to finally accept his Facebook request. Sure, I could have "declined request" but I was intrigued and wondered if he'd eventually give up on me. He didn't. He "added me." It made me a bit uncomfortable but it was sort of sexy...reconnecting with the first 'real man' you ever had? Irresistible.
I have slowly been "coming to my senses" because he IS married...he'd never leave his wife....and I would never ask him to leave her. I don't want to give him up, he's becoming more and more important to me but I need to do just that. Truth be told, I tolerate our "secrecy," his never calling--always texting and plans that never succeed because he was my "first." I see him as that same guy who "went slow" with me over thirty years ago.
We haven't texted since Sept. 2 and with this holiday, I'm sure he and his family went to Nashville for the UT Vols game or St. Louis for the Cardinals' games. Now if/when he texts me, I am going to confess that I indeed was a virgin in college, he was my first lover and that should explain my texts especially if they seem a bit co-dependent. I love him...then and now.
Then it will be "Good-bye...my First."